Monday, 30 November 2009


I've been in pain. An intense emotional pain. But also a physical very tangible sort of pain. 
Never before have I experienced a sadness that lives in the body, but grieving the loss of our acrobat has effected me in unexpected ways. I wasn't expecting to feel betrayed by my own body. I couldn't anticipate having these strong conflicting emotions of pregnancy and loss. How could I explain to D that a compliment regarding my new "voluptuous" figure felt like a kick in the stomach this week when just last week it had made me smile. How was it possible to feel devastated and relieved at the same time?

When we first got the news I experienced a tight squeeze around my heart and a firm pressure over my chest. The only thing that would temporarily relieve that feeling was to sob. Loudly. Over the next few days my entire body started to tense up and I felt like every muscle was an achy knot. Taking hot showers worked at first but soon that just wasn't enough. D volunteered to give me a full body massage and that made me cry uncontrollably but left me feeling better for hours. But the pain kept creeping back. A few days ago when my bleeding had finally tapered off to minor spotting D suggested making love to relieve the pain. At first it didn't sound very tempting. All I wanted to do was hibernate until everything was back to normal. So what we hadn't been intimate since the egg retrieval over five weeks ago? Had it really been five weeks? I let him talk me in to it. Reluctantly. 

Making love was like therapy and when I finally had an orgasm it felt like my body and mind exploded. Sorry about the bad romantic novel line here but seriously, although sex with D is always good, this was different. It felt as if all the pain and hurt left my body and I started shaking, crying and laughing all at once seconds after climaxing. Scared the heck out of D, he probably thought I had completely lost it. The day after I stopped bleeding completely and for the first time in a very long time I started feeling almost back to normal.

Today I went to have my hcg levels checked. I'm hoping that my body has taken care of this miscarriage on its own and that I won't need a d&c. I talked to Dr. Boss Lady at the fertility clinic in Sweden last week and told her what had happened. She was sad to hear about our loss but made sure to tell me that medically they consider this good news. She said it's nice to know you can get pregnant with yours and Ds embryo, and that what happened is most likely just bad luck and that out of our four nice blasts they happened to pick the one (statistically) with a chromosomal defect. She was very confident next time our chances of success would be even better. We talked about doing an unmedicated FET in February if my cycle is back to normal by then. I feel pretty good about that. It will give me time to heal. It will give me and D time to find each other again. We'll have a Christmas free from worry and we'll be able to toast in champagne for New Years and Ds birthday. And we'll have time to make a whole lot of love.


  1. I'm so sorry your in so much pain, I can not imagine what your going through but I am so happy you and DH were able to connect with each other in that way after all you have been through. I think it shows an amazing amount of trust and love in your relationship and I'm glad you have this in your life.

    I hope you do spend this christmas free from worry and having fun together (by that I mean more of those orgasms!)

    I really can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that you are
    slowly but surly healing!

  2. Glad to hear you are slowly healing. I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays and prepare yourself physically and emotionally for the next cycle. :)

  3. I'm glad to hear that your healing. I have been worried about you and your hubby. And no you don't sound like a bad romance novel at all!! I'm glad to hear you are reconnecting with dear hubby. This can only help you both. Just keep it up and cheers to champagne for new years!! I thought of the same thing this morning. I guess there is one consolation in this whole twisted mess we call infertilty. Alcohol! I will be clinking my glass to you my dear!!
    Sending you lots of Hugs!!!
    Mrs. Farmer

  4. I am so happy to hear you are healing and doing better. Hope the beta gives you the "all clear" - oh, and what they said was true, this was a good sign for things to come. You CAN get pregnant.


  5. Thinking of you. After Thanksgiving I had a few hours to myself...and I cried and mourned our recent BFN. I am forever wounded by infertility but have high hopes for our blasts waiting for us.

  6. I am glad that you can both cling together to get through the pain.

  7. Thank you for the update--you've been on my mind lately. It is wonderful to hear about the love between you and your DH. Heal, my friend.

  8. How wonderful that you and D can draw strength from one another to get through this difficult time. Sending thoughts for more comfort and healing.

  9. It's not a cheesy romance novel line. There's a lot that you have to deal with. There's a beauty in the moments that heal the wounds. {hugs}

  10. Was thinking about you this morning.

    Sending you all my love and hugs!


  11. CC, I am so sorry. I think losses are killer on the psyche. I believe you washed away the pain with the DH. Do the baby dance... I have heard that not only is it healing, but that, you have a higher rate after a m/c of conception.

    If it heals your heart and soul, and that love transfigures to an acrobat... what an incredible amazing blessing that will be.

    Hugs CC... reading you as always. Been busy w/sick babes so tried Iron Commenter on SITS but made it to you, and then was beaten down...

    Going to try this month. You can be sure I will be checking in on you. You are on my blogroll so everytime you update I swing by.

    hugs, HaD/RaD the grey lady...

  12. I think about you everyday. Take time to heal your heart & soul. (((HUGS)))

  13. I'm glad to hear that you are starting to heal. Take all the time you need, and do it in the way that feels best to you.

    ((HUGE HUGS))

  14. That's great that DH was able to help your healing in such a wonderful way, and also that your clinic director was so positive and you can look forward to a stress-free (or at least reduced stress) Christmas and then hopefully a successful FET early in the new year. Enjoy all that lovin' over the next few weeks.


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