Healing

I've been in pain. An intense emotional pain. But also a physical very tangible sort of pain. 

Never before have I experienced a sadness that lives in the body, but grieving the loss of our acrobat has effected me in unexpected ways. I wasn't expecting to feel betrayed by my own body. I couldn't anticipate having these strong conflicting emotions of pregnancy and loss. How could I explain to D that a compliment regarding my new "voluptuous" figure felt like a kick in the stomach this week when just last week it had made me smile. How was it possible to feel devastated and relieved at the same time?

When we first got the news I experienced a tight squeeze around my heart and a firm pressure over my chest. The only thing that would temporarily relieve that feeling was to sob. Loudly. Over the next few days my entire body started to tense up and I felt like every muscle was an achy knot. Taking hot showers worked at first but soon that just wasn't enough. D volunteered to give me a full body massage and that made me cry uncontrollably but left me feeling better for hours. But the pain kept creeping back. A few days ago when my bleeding had finally tapered off to minor spotting D suggested making love to relieve the pain. At first it didn't sound very tempting. All I wanted to do was hibernate until everything was back to normal. So what we hadn't been intimate since the egg retrieval over five weeks ago? Had it really been five weeks? I let him talk me in to it. Reluctantly. 

Making love was like therapy and when I finally had an orgasm it felt like my body and mind exploded. Sorry about the bad romantic novel line here but seriously, although sex with D is always good, this was different. It felt as if all the pain and hurt left my body and I started shaking, crying and laughing all at once seconds after climaxing. Scared the heck out of D, he probably thought I had completely lost it. The day after I stopped bleeding completely and for the first time in a very long time I started feeling almost back to normal.

Today I went to have my hcg levels checked. I'm hoping that my body has taken care of this miscarriage on its own and that I won't need a d&c. I talked to Dr. Boss Lady at the fertility clinic in Sweden last week and told her what had happened. She was sad to hear about our loss but made sure to tell me that medically they consider this good news. She said it's nice to know you can get pregnant with yours and Ds embryo, and that what happened is most likely just bad luck and that out of our four nice blasts they happened to pick the one (statistically) with a chromosomal defect. She was very confident next time our chances of success would be even better. We talked about doing an unmedicated FET in February if my cycle is back to normal by then. I feel pretty good about that. It will give me time to heal. It will give me and D time to find each other again. We'll have a Christmas free from worry and we'll be able to toast in champagne for New Years and Ds birthday. And we'll have time to make a whole lot of love.