27 days

since last I saw The Bloody Monster. She deserves a gold star for not taking a long break or acting too strange after the m/c. I'm also pretty sure I ovulated around the 1st, when I had the unmistakable tugging/pinching feeling in my left ovary.

 

So... it looks like I'll be ready to board one of our ice skaters in February. How exciting is that? And how terrifying? Scary as it may be, I am ready. Physically and emotionally. At peace with the m/c and ready for a new beginning.

I'm happy to be doing a natural FET and I'm hoping my body will handle a pregnancy better without the added stress of extra hormones. Hoping there will be a pregnancy to "handle" of course. With all my heart. 

Since we're doing a FET au natural I need to start charting and OPTing again. I just ordered 50 OPT El Cheapo online so I don't have to be bashful about how many days or times a day I test. And I get to practice this month. Practice makes perfect me thinks. 

I've been thinking a lot about weather or not to tell the world about this FET. When we did our IVF/ICSI we told everyone and his uncle. We told family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, pub owners, kennel staff and even the cashiers at bloody Sainsbury's. We were just so excited and hopeful and wanted to share our circus experience with as many people as possible. 

But that openness brought an unexpected darker side. Having to tell everybody about loosing the acrobat. And being open in a time of sorrow is so much harder than when you're hoperful and excited. 

For my birthday in November we all went to our local pub/restaurant for dinner and the owner and Diver Dude were joking about how poorly planned my birthday was since I couldn't drink. Congratulations were given to celebrate both my birthday and the new pregnancy. Last Friday we went back for the first time since. It was the last hurdle to get over after the m/c for me. Diver Dude knew about my worry and promised to support me. He was the one to go up to the bar and order "a Guiness for me and a glass of Merlot for my wife". He was the one who met the sad but politely smiling look of the owners wife. I watched at a safe distance and when she looked over at me with an uncertain smile I gave her a slight nod a crooked smile. And that was that. The last one to know. Now life goes on.

In a way I think it has helped me that everybody knew what was going on. I could be honest about the sadness I felt. I never felt isolated in my pain, and never felt like I had to hide anything. Not that I didn't want to at times. But I think it forced me to deal with all the emotions right away, and I think it made me stronger. Because being able to show weakness can make you stronger.

So I think that also this time we'll talk openly about our experience, but keep it to family and friends. I don't think the mailman or the baker needs to know about our impending baby making.

Our first Circus Performance - The long story short

I've put together a short version of the long (but not long enough) story of our first IVF. Mainly for me to remember but also for others in a similar situation to find information.

Oct 7 - Start stims CD2 of natural cycle. Gonal F 225IE. Stims make me tired, thirsty and "fuzzy" in the head.

Oct 11 - Fly to Sweden from England. 

Oct 12 - First u/s shows 3 follicles in right, left ovary not found. Increase Gonal-F to 300IE and add Orgalutran (stings and irritates).

Oct 16 - Second u/s shows 6 follicles in right, 2 in left (still hard to find). Ovaries slightly achy.

Oct 18 - Trigger shot of Ovitrelle. Do the baby dance.

Oct 20 - Egg retrieval with local anaesthetic and morfin. TESA with local anaesthetic. 8 mature eggs retrieved (6 from right, 2 from left). 5 successfully fertilized with ICSI. Start vaginal progesterone suppositories 3 times/day - boobies start getting sore almost instantly.

Oct 21 - 24 - Have a few glasses of red wine. Eat good, spend time with family and relax.

Oct 25 - Embryo transfer, 1 blastocyst transferred, 1 frozen. Drink lots of water and a glass of pineapple juice a day.

Oct 26 - Fly from Sweden to England. 2 additional blasts are frozen. 

Oct 27 - A pulling, tugging sensation in uterus all day off and on

Oct 28 - First nose bleed ever and start falling asleep on the couch by 8 pm

Oct 30 - Light brown spotting after walk

Oct 31 - Nov 1 - Spotting continues and gets a little heavier

Nov 1 - Get disgusted by crayfish that I normally LOVE

Nov 2 - Spotting starts to look like a light period, this is the day my period would have arrived in normal cycle (full moon)

Nov 3 - 4 - Bleeding increases and turns redder

Nov 5 - BFP!?!?! Red bleeding continues to increase

Nov 6 - 7 - Bleeding gets BRIGHT red and I pass small stringy clots. Start to get attacks of nausea and/or hunger 

Nov 8 - Find an old HPT in a drawer and take the test at night after drinking lots of water and peeing like a race horse... Get another strong positive.

Change insertion of progesterone suppositories from vaginal to anal in hopes to stop the bleeding, thinking they're irritating my cervix.

Nov 9 - Worst day of bleeding yet, like a full on period in a crimson red color. Go see doctor to take Beta HCG test. HCG comes back 490 mlU/ml.

Nov 10 - Bleeding seems to slow down, pass a few clots the size of a quarter (common during my regular period). Feel nauseous all day, have hunger attacks and boobies are very sore. No pain.

Nov 11 - Bleeding picks up again and get a lot worse. Bright red. Fill a big pad in less than an hour. Stop progesterone supps.

Nov 12 - Heavy bleeding continues, feel faint and weak, go to ER. Heart Rate 105 and Blood Pressure 150/48. Get fluids via IV. HCG test shows 1044 mlU/ml. No embryo seen in uterus with vag. u/s. Endometrial stripe 9mm. Told I'm miscarrying and offered meds to speed things up. I decline and ask for repeat HCG to confirm miscarriage.

Nov 13 - Heavy bleeding continues. Repeat HCG shows 1331 mlU/ml. BP 115/69. HR 91. Mildly anemic. OB/GYN can't find embryo in uterus and is worried about ectopic and wants to give methotrexate to terminate pregnancy. I decline and ask for options. Offered to come in two days later when HCG levels should be above 1500 mlU/ml to try to locate pregnancy. 

Nov 15 - Bleeding slows down a little. HCG shows 2168 mlU/ml and OBGYN is able to locate a gestational sac in uterus. It measures a little small (0.51cm) and is slightly irregular. Get a little hopeful in spite of all the bleeding. BP 124/73. HR 98.

Nov 16 - Wake up early morning with a feeling of not being pregnant. Boobs are less sore. Still have food aversions. Bleeding changes color to slightly darker and slows down. Pass a few clots and start having mild cramping.

Nov 17 - Turn 35. Dark bleeding, mild cramping, pass a few clots.

Nov 18 - Extreme fatigue. Bleeding slows down to heavy dark red spotting.

Nov 19 - Miscarriage confirmed with HCG of 894 mlU/ml. Mildly anemic. Opt to miscarry naturally, prescribed iron (Ferro-Sequels). My heart breaks.

Nov 20 - 28 - Spotting gets less and less. Have one or two bleeding episodes and pass a few more clots. All pregnancy symptoms slowly disappear. Do the baby dance on 28th.

Nov 29 - Bleeding stops completely. 

Nov 30 - HCG shows 12 mlU/ml.

Dec 7 - Miscarriage complete. HCG shows 1 mlU/ml. BP 116/68. HR 80. No longer anemic, stop iron supplement. Told that period can arrive in 1-3 months and will most likely be abnormal. 

Dec 15 - Light spotting starts

Dec 18 - Bloody Monster arrives. Painful cramping but otherwise she seems normal.

January 1-2 - Ovulation pain on my left side.

January 14 - Bloody Monster arrives 27 days after last bleed. Pheuw! Heavy, but normal.

Seems like my body has bounced back nicely. Now we can start planning our natural FET in February 2010.

12

Dr. Swedish called today with Monday's hcg test results. It's down to twelve. He said he was pleased that the numbers are going down nicely and that he's hoping the levels will be below five for my next visit Monday. He asked how things were going and if I had contacted the fertility clinic in Sweden. I said "better" and "yes" and continued by telling him about my conversation with Dr. Boss Lady in Sweden and the FET in February. 

After we hung up I gave myself a big hug. I thanked my body for working through this and taking care of things naturally. I thanked it for giving me some sort of a consolation in this mess. And then I apologized for all the cursing it has received over the past month.

I also can't thank all of you enough for all the kind words and support through these weeks of hardship. You helped me get through the dark waters and made me want to move towards the surface. 

Every day I'm taking another step in the right direction.

Healing

I've been in pain. An intense emotional pain. But also a physical very tangible sort of pain. 

Never before have I experienced a sadness that lives in the body, but grieving the loss of our acrobat has effected me in unexpected ways. I wasn't expecting to feel betrayed by my own body. I couldn't anticipate having these strong conflicting emotions of pregnancy and loss. How could I explain to D that a compliment regarding my new "voluptuous" figure felt like a kick in the stomach this week when just last week it had made me smile. How was it possible to feel devastated and relieved at the same time?

When we first got the news I experienced a tight squeeze around my heart and a firm pressure over my chest. The only thing that would temporarily relieve that feeling was to sob. Loudly. Over the next few days my entire body started to tense up and I felt like every muscle was an achy knot. Taking hot showers worked at first but soon that just wasn't enough. D volunteered to give me a full body massage and that made me cry uncontrollably but left me feeling better for hours. But the pain kept creeping back. A few days ago when my bleeding had finally tapered off to minor spotting D suggested making love to relieve the pain. At first it didn't sound very tempting. All I wanted to do was hibernate until everything was back to normal. So what we hadn't been intimate since the egg retrieval over five weeks ago? Had it really been five weeks? I let him talk me in to it. Reluctantly. 

Making love was like therapy and when I finally had an orgasm it felt like my body and mind exploded. Sorry about the bad romantic novel line here but seriously, although sex with D is always good, this was different. It felt as if all the pain and hurt left my body and I started shaking, crying and laughing all at once seconds after climaxing. Scared the heck out of D, he probably thought I had completely lost it. The day after I stopped bleeding completely and for the first time in a very long time I started feeling almost back to normal.

Today I went to have my hcg levels checked. I'm hoping that my body has taken care of this miscarriage on its own and that I won't need a d&c. I talked to Dr. Boss Lady at the fertility clinic in Sweden last week and told her what had happened. She was sad to hear about our loss but made sure to tell me that medically they consider this good news. She said it's nice to know you can get pregnant with yours and Ds embryo, and that what happened is most likely just bad luck and that out of our four nice blasts they happened to pick the one (statistically) with a chromosomal defect. She was very confident next time our chances of success would be even better. We talked about doing an unmedicated FET in February if my cycle is back to normal by then. I feel pretty good about that. It will give me time to heal. It will give me and D time to find each other again. We'll have a Christmas free from worry and we'll be able to toast in champagne for New Years and Ds birthday. And we'll have time to make a whole lot of love.

Early Pregnancy Loss

I'm floating in a deep ocean of sadness. My body goes through the motions of normal daily routines but my mind is somewhere else. The sound that goes in through my ears is distorted and muted like under water. My chest feels too tight and I have to remind myself to breathe. I can see light at the surface but am too tired to swim towards it. 

Early Pregnancy Loss. That's what the brochure I was given by Dr. Swedish on Thursday is called. He must have given me the wrong one. I was six weeks and two days pregnant when I miscarried but getting pregnant took us two years and five months. Getting pregnant required a ton of hormones, doctors, embryologists, money and determination. Emotionally this was not an early pregnancy loss. This was the loss of a child we've longed for for years. This was the loss of the last of our innocence. 

The brochure talks about what to expect physically and emotionally after a pregnancy loss and ends with the words: "You can ovulate and become pregnant as soon as 2 weeks after an early miscarriage". I can't help but smile. A crooked smile with teary eyes. I wish it was that simple.

For all of you visiting from ICLW, welcome. I'm sorry you had to find me in such a dark place, normally I'm quite a happy girl. Sometimes even funny. Me and D struggle with male factor IF due to a much regretted vasectomy thirteen years ago and a failed reversal almost three years ago. We went through our first IVF with ICSI and TESA in October, miraculously got the much coveted BFP but lost our little acrobat last Thursday after weeks of drama. Right now I'm just trying to stay afloat. Hope to see you again when I get my head above the surface.

Time to say good bye

One hour after the nice nurse drew my blood we walked in to Dr. Swedish's office. 

One glance confirmed my fears. 

He said in a low voice: "I'm sorry Circus Princess, it's not good news". 

"Your hcg has dropped to 800". 

With a tiny sound my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. 

Deep down I knew it was coming. 

The bleeding that wouldn't stop. 

The lack of tender breasts when I woke up Monday morning. 

A sobering feeling of no longer being pregnant. 

But I wanted it so badly. 

My wish was so deep and my prayers so intense. 

I nurtured that speck of hope after seeing our impossible ultrasound on Sunday. 

Now I have to say good bye. 

Our acrobat is gone.

 

Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep.

Still in limbo

If miraculously everything turns out alright with the acrobat in spite of all the bleeding, I'm five weeks pregnant today. 5w, 21dpo or 16dp5dt if I've got the whole counting system correct. I'm going to write down everything about the bleeding and all my symptoms because I've been desperately googling for more information during all this and maybe this post will eventually help someone in a future similar situation. Those of you who are faint hearted should probably stop reading here.

 

Oct 7 - Start stims day two of natural cycle

Oct 20 - Egg retrieval and TESA, 8 mature eggs retrieved, 5 successfully fertilized with ICSI - start vaginal progesterone suppositories - boobies start getting sore almost instantly

Oct 25 - Embryo transfer, 1 blastocyst transferred, 3 blastocysts frozen

Oct 26 - An hour flight from Sweden to England

Oct 27 - A pulling, tugging sensation in the baby department all day off and on

Oct 28 - First nose bleed ever and start falling asleep on the couch by 8 pm

Oct 30 - Light brown spotting after walk

Oct 31- Nov 1 - Spotting continues and gets a little heavier

Nov 1 - Get disgusted by crayfish that I normally LOVE

Nov 2 - Spotting starts to look like a light period, this is the day my period would have arrived in normal cycle (full moon)

Nov 3 - 4 - Bleeding increases and turns redder

Nov 5 - BFP!?!?! Red bleeding continues to increase

Nov 6 - 7 - Bleeding gets BRIGHT red and I pass small stringy clots. Start to get attacks of nausea and/or hunger 

Nov 8 - Find an old HPT in a drawer and take the test at night after drinking lots of water and peeing like a race horse... Get this:

Change insertion of progesterone suppositories from vaginal to anal in hopes to stop the bleeding, thinking they're irritating my cervix.

Nov 9 - Worst day of bleeding yet, like a full on period in a crimson red color. Go see doctor to take Beta HCG test.

Nov 10 - Bleeding seems to slow down, pass a few clots the size of a quarter (common during my regular period). I've felt nauseous all day, had hunger attacks and boobies are still sore. I've have had NO pain what so ever and that's weird... I normally have light-moderate period pains since they removed the polyp in February, before that severe pain... so you'd think if this was a miscarriage I'd be in pain... but what do I know.

I'm waiting to get the results from my Beta. I've called a gazillion times already and pestered them but each time they tell me the results aren't in yet and to call back in two hours. Now the damned clinic is closed for the day! SIGH! 

I'm slowly going crazy here and I really need to know what's going on with my body. If it is a miscarriage I need to have it confirmed so I can grieve and move on. If the numbers are within range (135-1690 mIU/ml for 20dpo)... well... I guess... I can worry a little longer... and keep wishing, hoping, praying that the numbers double for next tests, the acrobat hangs on tight, I stop bleeding and that this will all have a happy ending. 

A place I'd rather be.

Went to the bathroom for the third time in two hours. Noticed lots of bright red blood and tissue on pad. Tried to breath hard quietly. Tried to not sob loudly. Folded up the pad and laid it in the trash can. Wiped my eyes. Put a new pad in. Flushed. Opened the door of my stall in the crowded public restroom and washed my hands without making eye contact with anyone. Walked out to the mall where D was waiting. Bumped in to a woman rocking her beautiful baby in her arms. Put on my sunglasses. Struggled to find my breath to answer D when he asked where I wanted to go next. Whispered: "home". 

We didn't talk much on the way home. Well, I tried, but was sobbing too much to really make any sense. When we got home D walked me to our bed, put me in it and wrapped himself around me. He kissed me and told me everything is going to be alright. I love that man.

The neighbors are having a bonfire party. I'm having a pity party. I'd rather be over there.

Always look on the bright side of life.

Today has been a day filled with whirlwind emotions. How are you supposed to feel when you find out that you're not having your period but are in fact pregnant after years of trying, but that you might be having a miscarriage at this very moment? 

After getting the unexpected plus this morning I called Nurse Inga who was happy to hear about the pregnancy but concerned about the bleeding. She asked a bunch of questions and I answered by giving her dates, PMS-colors, pad sizes and pain status. She told me there was nothing I could do right now other than hang tight and see what happens. It could be a miscarriage but it could just as well be nothing to worry about. If I'm still bleeding next week she asked me to go to my GP and ask to have an HCG blood test and call with the result. If the bleeding stops I should schedule an ultrasound for Nov 26th. She then asked me if I had gotten the paperwork about the frosties. - Frosty, I said, we only had one, and no we haven't gotten it. -Actually, she said, the two slow ones caught up and you ended up with three nice blastocysts for the freezer. 

So, I can be happy about the fact that I'm pregnant and that I have three beautiful snow babies in the freezer or I can be devastated that I might be having a miscarriage. Or I can be both. It's like skipping around next to a ravine. Like singing a happy tune in room full of tigers. Like being barefoot and pregnant on a kitchen floor full of glass shards.