Thursday, 27 May 2010

Wordless Wednesday

Or since I'm a day late and not really not using any words, Few Words Thursday.
And this is where we'll be this weekend.

I'm super excited. 
Promise to tell you all about it when we get back :)

Monday, 24 May 2010

One day at a time

"Where do you see yourself a year from now?" Diver Dude asked me out of the blue on Friday night.
I looked over at him standing with a camping chair in one hand and a beer in the other and stumbled over my words when I answered. "Well, um, I'm here in England, I have a job I like and make decent money, I strive to experience every day to the fullest, appreciate all that I have and to be happy... and hopefully I'm pregnant."

Diver Dude listened and nodded his head but just as I was about to return the question our neighbor walked over to invite us over for a bbq. So we chatted with him for a while, ordered food from our favorite indian restaurant and went about our night until I remembered half way through dinner. "What about you, where do you see yourself a year from now?"

Diver Dude gave me a crooked smile and said he was just waiting for me to ask. He told me he wants to stay here in England, that he hopes his job will get better, and that he seconds my thoughts on seizing the day. Then he said: "It makes it so hard to tell you this, because I love you, and you're my best friend, but I can't commit to having a child with you right now". He also said that at times he feels like the best thing to do would be to "set me free" so I can find somebody else to have babies with.

And for the first time I was able to talk to him without having my vision blurred by tears or my words jumbled by sobbing. I told him that I think it's childish and self centered to think that he's replaceable, that I want a family with him, and that the only other option for me is to have a child on my own. I explained to him about the biological time issue, the fact that I may only have a couple of years left to become a mother. I explained that what hurts most about this isn't that I might never have a child with him, but that he's not willing to give us a chance to be parents. I told him again how much I love him. I told him that I'm willing to give him some time and that I hope he'll be able to reconnect with the part of him that wants a second chance at fatherhood.

He then asked if it would be okay to just take it one day at a time for now. I said yes. We hugged and we kissed, turned on a good movie and gathered our pets around us in the couch and just enjoyed the rest of the night. Because if you just take one day at a time, you can't worry too much about the future.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

I hope you dance

I'm allowed. Allowed to long for a child, and to want to become a mother. Allowed to dream of a family of my own, and to hope that this family will start with Diver Dude and me.

I'm not allowed to label myself the victim and Diver Dude the bad guy. If I do, Diver Dude may, friends and family might, and most likely it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. You see, if you're wearing brown socks but everyone around you keeps telling you they're blue, soon you'll start to question weather your socks are really brown. I am not a victim and Diver Dude is not a bad guy.

If I say these things out loud, it makes me feel stronger. It makes it hard to feel sorry for myself.

I'm working on centering myself and focusing on who I am. Somehow along the way in our marriage I started leaning, and a couple of months ago I actually tumbled over. Unfortunately the same holds true for Diver Dude, and in spite of our best intentions, instead of helping each other get back on our feet in a balanced way, we keep pushing each other over.

So I'll just pick myself up and wait for him to do the same. When he does I'll be here to greet him with strong open arms. I'd like to think of it as asking him to dance. An invitation from one individual to another to move together as one. It may take some work to make it flow and toes may be stepped on occasionally, but when we dance it'll all be worth it.

I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
Lee Ann Womack - I hope you dance

Monday, 17 May 2010

Centering myself

Lots of things are happening over here but I need to organize my thoughts... In the meantime I'll leave you with a couple of event nuggets. 

• I've had two great sessions with Lady Merlin, one I left bawling my eyes out, the other with a big smile on my face.
• My parents have been here for ten days and I've gained a whopping five pounds. Grunt. I blame Mamma's cooking.
• Diver Dude is back from his trip to the states a new man. Stronger, sexier and with an open mind. 
• I've found a central piece of me that I didn't realize I had lost in the first place.
I'll be back to explain (or possibly add even more confusion) later. First I have to go spit out the gallon of teeth whitening gunk I have in my mouth. Loads of kisses to you my ladies!

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Three days

It might not sound like much. How much silly hope can you accumulate in three days?
Now that it turns out the universe was just finding another way of fcking with me, too much.

Un-dear Bloody Monster,

Welcome you old beotch. 
Next time you're late, you're fired!

Circus Princess

Friday, 7 May 2010

Dear Bloody Monster.

Please don't play tricks on me. I don't think I can take it.
You see, my stupid naive mind lets hope seep in.
And I don't feel strong enough to handle the disappointment.

You're never late.
Why now?

If this isn't the sign of a miracle, get your ass over here ASAP!

Circus Princess

Monday, 3 May 2010

The story of us - part 2

In an effort to try and get some perspective on things I thought it'd be a good time to continue the saga of Circus Princess and Diver Dude. In case you missed part 1, get that story here.

Back in Sweden after almost three years in Hawaii, Circus Princess tried to make a life for herself but her heart just wasn't in it. She applied for a dozen jobs, redecorated her parents house completely and tried to figure out how to ignore the way her heart ached from missing Diver Dude.

It was impossible. Instead, her longing grew stronger with every phone call they shared. They talked about politics, religion, life and love. And somewhere in one of their endless conversations a plan started taking shape.

It was a wild and crazy plan. A plan that would make their friends and family gasp with disbelief. But it was the only plan that would give them a chance to be together. The one thing that would enable them to figure out if their love was meant to be.

Three months after Circus Princess had left Honolulu, Diver Dude got on a plane to Sweden. When Circus Princess saw him in the crowd of arriving visitors at the airport she knew in her heart that their plan would be worth it no matter what the outcome would be. And in a cabin by the sea that dark autumn night, Diver Dude asked Circus Princess to be his wife. There were no rings, just a roaring fire, a man on his knees and a woman with a big smile on her face confidently nodding her head.

The ten days they spent together in Sweden were filled with a mix of wild passion and frenetic planning. A trip to the american embassy in Stockholm made it clear that the original plan of getting a fiancée visa would keep them apart another six months, a trip to the jewelers equipped them with engagement bands with the latin words Amor Fati - destiny of love - and a stop at the travelers office turned Circus Princess into a future american tourist with a hidden agenda.

Two months later a trembling Princess stood with an immigration officer in Seattle with her left hand concealed under the desk. When the sound of inked rubber on passport pages reached her ears she knew that only a short flight separated her from the man that would soon become her husband.

With a lei of purple orchids and a big white smile, Diver Dude received her at the airport. With a house filled with lit candles and rose petals leading the way upstairs he welcomed his Princess home.

Less than a month later Diver Dude and Circus Princess stood barefoot on the beach promising to love and honor each other for all days of their life. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. And to let love be their destiny.
to be continued...

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Can our love build a bridge over this canyon?

This Friday, the night before Diver Dude's two week trip to the U.S, we went down to London Gatwick for some much needed R&R. 

After a two hour drive in the company of our favorite comedy podcasters we checked in to our four star hotel and got ready for a romantic evening for two. We explored our surroundings and checked out the menus of the different restaurants available.We shared a bottle of Cabernet at the bar while giggling and making up possible stories for our fellow hotel dwellers. Our mood was up beat and giddy.

Later we sat down to enjoy a candle lit dinner at a french bistro. Conversation was smooth and we started talking about how we met, what we used to enjoy doing together. Diver Dude told me about his surprise when I fearlessly jumped up behind him on the fender of his Pit Bull chopper. I laughed at the memory of his license plate boldly exclaiming "NO WIFE". We talked about the endless rides we did around the island of Oahu. The sun, the hawaiian music and our rich social life.

Suddenly he says "I wouldn't mind going back one day". He continued saying how he'd consider moving back to Hawaii when he retires from his current career. How he'd golf all day and just enjoy the laid back life style. 

In an instant that possible future hit me. Ten years from now. The two of us, back in Paradise. Him retired and me, at the age of 45, back in a place I gave up to follow the man of my dreams. A life I gave up in pursuit of the possibility of having a family. Back with the same man but without any of those dreams. Back where we started. Without children and with an expired biological clock. And my heart became so heavy. My vision blurred with tears.

Still with a smile on his face he looked up from his plate to ask me what I thought of that.  I couldn't meet his eyes. I couldn't answer his simple question. He looked so hurt and puzzled when he discovered the change in my mood. But I couldn't explain. I couldn't tell him that the picture of this future he so optimistically painted sounded like a dark and scary place to me. 

I struggled to swallow my fear and stoically ignored the giant pink elephant on the table and changed subject. I asked him about his trip. What he's looking forward to doing while in San Diego. Places he'll go eat at. Old friends he's going to see. His daughter and grandkids. 

But in spite of my best effort, the rest of the evening that big pink intruder accompanied us in everything we did. It was a silent part of all our conversations. A big mountain between us in bed. It's presence made our good bye kiss seem cool and as Diver Dude walked away toward his gate it blocked my view.

If Diver Dude's decision to no longer pursue a family with me is final, I don't know how to get around it. If we don't share the same dreams anymore, how can we stay together? All the love in the world can't fix that. Can it?