Thursday, 29 April 2010

No comment

Out of more than 200 friends, not a single person commented on my link to Keiko's video on facebook yesterday.


A lot of my friends and family know what we've been going through this past year but to most it would be news. I'm a little sad and somewhat surprised. Even made sure again today that the link actually works. It does. So I guess my big "outing" went by unnoticed. Not sure what I expected. I didn't think it would make headline news or anything, but I was expecting some sort of reaction.

I can only hope it touched somebody that just didn't know what to say but felt a little less alone.
It made me feel quite the opposite. Ouch.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

What IF I posted this on facebook today?

Keiko at Hannah wept, Sarah laughed made this amazing video and I couldn't resist. I posted it in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week and all of us wondering What IF?

I guess I'm out of the closet to ALL my friends, family, stray co-workers, their dogs and their uncles. 

So there, What IF this week we all posted this on facebook? 

Staying buzy

I just moved half a ton of dirt. With a tiny shovel and a wheel barrow. Therapeutic? I'm not sure. But all I can think about right now is the lower part of my back. So that's good. Kind of. I also have a very pretty back yard with freshly planted beautiful flowers. And that's good.

I'll just lay on my stretcher looking out at my lovely garden. Sipping some ice tea. Wait, there's nobody here to make me ice tea. Hello? Anybody there?

Friday, 23 April 2010

On the couch again

We had a session with Lady Merlin again last night. I know she's a professional therapist and all, but man is she good at reading people!

She pointed out that the way we handle conflicts actually triggers a bigger conflict between us. Diver Dude raises his voice, gets mad and attacks while I shut down, cry a lot and starts defending myself. His anger makes me cry more and my tears make him scream louder. Awesome.

She told me to breathe (again... and seriously if I wasn't actually breathing I would die, but whatever), plant my feet firmly on the ground and center myself. And instead of bottling up emotions and only talk about them once I have collected an ocean of pain and hurt and is already upset, to simply say "I need to tell you that..." and then leave the room. That way Diver Dude will know my thoughts before they grow into something big and bad and I don't have to worry about starting a conflict.

She talked about Diver Dude's two contrasting worlds. His professional world where a hard exterior and tough attitude is not only encouraged but necessary and his personal world that is filled with smart, opinionated, emotional women. How he needs to leave the military way of dealing with problems at the door when he's with his family.

This past week has been pretty good, we've laughed a lot and things have felt almost normal. Until Wednesday night when Diver Dude was browsing sports cars online (his kind of internet porn) and wanted me to look at this Audi-something-something. Over the past year I've looked at so many different sports cars I've lost track and been somewhat amused at his dreaming but this time something snapped. I told him it was selfish to want to buy another "toy" for that much money and that he should consider the fact that he'd be making that a priority over things we could enjoy together. Insert growling, yelling and a few swear words and it made for a pretty bad night.

Lady Merlin immediately pointed out a possible reason for my sudden snappish behavior. She asked why I didn't think Diver Dude deserved to dream about a big boys toy. Did it have anything to do with him taking away my dream of becoming a mother? Diver Dude looked like a 1000W bulb went on over his head and squeezed my hand. All I could do was nod.

Again she asked Diver Dude to go back to the place where he felt he wanted a second chance at becoming a father and describe those feelings. Once again I felt a small flutter of hope.

Maybe, just maybe, things will be just fine.

Monday, 19 April 2010

Doing our homework

One of the things I appreciate about you is:
Diver Dude:
- You are so creative. You make even a small weekday dinner a special occasion just by making the table and lighting candles. (yup, I have skills)
-  The way you're always honest, supportive and loyal. I truly feel like you're my best friend. (seriously, that's the sweetest things ever)
- You sing along out loud (and out of tune) to songs you love. Even in a crowded bar. Or a public library.
- How you deal with Mother and your siblings and how you make sure you stay in each others lives in spite of having had a far from perfect childhood and complicated relationships.

What I'd like a little more of is:
- Physical activity. Doing something together. Like playing golf. (or taking dance lessons?)
- Head. (seriously?)
- Compliments.
- Team work (this was after we had spent 3 hours building flower boxes and him constantly needing whatever tool I was currently using. Le sigh.)

What I'd like a little less of is:
- Clothes in other places than the closet. (do door knobs, floor surface or chairs count as closets?)
- No's when I suggest something. Like dinner and a movie. (and having a baby!!)

What I'd like to stay the same is:
- Our sex life! (didn't he just say he wanted more oral pleasure?)
- That you close the toilet lid after flushing (I've managed to change my bad habit of not closing the lid after almost 7 years of pleading. Yes, I'm worse than a man. And I'm a slow learner.)
- Yes on the sex life!
- Ummm... (decisions about family building we made three years ago!!)

OK, so I didn't mention the b-word or anything about three letter procedures all weekend but I had to bite my tongue constantly. I'm working hard at giving him space and trying to remember to breathe.
I do feel like we've made some progress and we were actually able to relax and share a few heartfelt laughs this weekend.

And Little Man Chevy came home from the hospital Saturday and is recovering nicely.

There's hope in the world.

Friday, 16 April 2010

Taking a step back

Our counselor lady is a wizard. In fact, that's what I'll call her, Lady Merlin. She waved her magic wand around and, poof, the giant pink elephant was transformed into a little pink ant.

It wasn't quite that simple. There were a lot of tears. A little snot. A huge amount of guilt. And a lot of fears that were brought out in the open.

She asked me to take a step back and allow myself to breathe. To allow Diver Dude some space to breathe. She asked me to not see myself as a victim but to allow myself to grieve. When I explained my desperate fight with time and the fear of missing my chance of becoming a mother she simply said: If in a year you feel the same there are clinics in London that will take care of that for you. In the meantime, if you want a shot at making your marriage work, you need to regroup and refocus.

She asked Diver Dude to tell her what the man who went in for a vasectomy reversal felt 3 years ago. What his hopes and dreams were. She asked him about the "armor" he protects his heart with. And she asked him to not take advise from anyone but himself.

She told us that situations like ours certainly may lead to a break but that if we're both strong, brave and honest we have a chance. She said the fact that we came to her indicates our will to make it work and that it's obvious we love each other very much. She also said she sees that we pay a lot of attention to each other but that most of that attention is negative. Ouch.

We'll see her again next week together but we're also going to see her as individuals the following week. Until then we'll do our homework like good little students and do these exercises every night at dinner:

Toast of Appreciation - Lift your glass and say "one of the things I appreciate about you is..."  This exercise might make us pass out on our plates if done the way she suggested, with wine, but we'll be drunk and appreciative damn it.

What I'd Like - Start sentences with "What I'd like a little more of is... ", "What I'd like a little less of is..." and "What I'd like to stay the same is..."

I'll take a step back and try to ground myself.
And I will practice to breathe. In and out. With a steady rhythm. And to let my selected color spread throughout my entire body with every breath.

There's a tiny speck of hope.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Little Man Chevy is doing good

He went through several hours of surgery like a champ and although the original plan to have endoscopic surgery had to be scratched, he's doing fine. A little swollen apparently, but just fine. Now we hope for a successful and speedy recovery for the little guy and some peace and calm for his parents.

Tonight Diver Dude and I will meet our therapist for the first time. I hope she can give us some tools to deal with this emotional cluster fuck. I hope she waves her magical wand and makes everything alright. The least she can do is give us some kind of bulldozer to remove the damned pink elephant.

I can't take much more of this.

Do you think you could actually loose weight by puking up tears and snot. That would be something.

Just wanted to let you know how much it means to read your encouraging words and feel the warmth of your virtual hugs, you guys really help me get through the day. Thank you!

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Hopes for today

Today I applied for a job.  When I sent in the CV tears was dripping down my keyboard. 

When we moved to England a year and a half ago our mutual plan was to "focus on having a family". The plan was for me to stay home and take time to start fertility treatments in Sweden and for Diver Dude to work, make lots of money and start his second career. 

Today I don't know what the plan is. All I know is that Diver Dude and I don't share the same hopes and dreams anymore. 

I'm so filled with sadness I don't even know where to turn, how to begin, or what to end. I miss my husband. I miss the child we lost before we could hold it. I miss the happy, naive person I used to be.

Today my littlest bonus-grandson is having major surgery to correct his craniosynostosis. 

I'm afraid to hope for anything good. It seems like lately when I wish or hope for something, things turn out going in the complete opposite direction.

Please let today turn out the best way possible.

Saturday, 10 April 2010

The intruder

We go about our day as usual. We talk about work and what we should do this weekend. We walk the dog together. We even hold hands now and again, but when I look over in search of my husbands eyes my view is blocked by this big pink elephant walking between us.

Our insurance company has approved 8 visits each to see a therapist for "grief induced depression". First joint visit will be on Thursday.

Still waiting for someone to pinch me really hard. Having an uncontrollable urge to kick the pink intruder in the gonads.

Monday, 5 April 2010

Somebody please pinch me

- Sweetie, I can't do this anymore.
His words hit me with the force of a hurricane. I looked into his eyes in search of a sign that he was joking. It was April Fool's after all. No such sign.

Diver Dude is telling me he can't take any more fertility treatments. The baby quest is over for him. He's telling me he's changed his mind. He can't continue with the three IVFs we originally decided to do. He's saying he's not willing to risk his existing family to start another. He's letting me know how deep Party Girl's words have dug the knife in his chest. He quotes her when he says he's not worth a second chance as a father.

I find myself falling. My head is spinning. I'm angry and I feel cheated. I feel like my life as I know it has been stolen from me. I'm in the middle of a night mare. Somebody please wake me up.

Calling a family counsellor today.