Thursday, 19 November 2009

Time to say good bye

One hour after the nice nurse drew my blood we walked in to Dr. Swedish's office. 
One glance confirmed my fears. 
He said in a low voice: "I'm sorry Circus Princess, it's not good news". 
"Your hcg has dropped to 800". 

With a tiny sound my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. 
Deep down I knew it was coming. 
The bleeding that wouldn't stop. 
The lack of tender breasts when I woke up Monday morning. 
A sobering feeling of no longer being pregnant. 
But I wanted it so badly. 
My wish was so deep and my prayers so intense. 
I nurtured that speck of hope after seeing our impossible ultrasound on Sunday. 

Now I have to say good bye. 
Our acrobat is gone.
 
Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep.


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57 comments:

  1. Kari19 November 2009 at 17:58

    I am so sorry. This is the most difficult part of IF that I have had to deal with so I know how absolutely crushing it is. Please take good care of yourself and your husband during this difficult time. I am sending you hugs and strength.

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  2. Trinity19 November 2009 at 18:28

    Oh, hon, I am so very sorry. We are all here with you, supporting you through this. Cry as much as you need to. Sending a warm hug your way, and wishing you peace... {hug}

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  3. Jem19 November 2009 at 18:48

    Noooo! I am so, so sorry. I feel your pain. Please take extra good care of yourself.

    Words can't express...

    (Hug)

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  4. Heather19 November 2009 at 18:51

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I now kind of know how you feel, and it's a dark place to be. I wish I could give you a hug--I think we could both use one. Like you said to me yesterday, just take time to feel each thing as it comes. And try to take care of yourself.

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  5. AL19 November 2009 at 18:51

    I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say to be of some comfort to you...I can't imagine how difficult this is and how much you're hurting. Take care of yourself as you grieve and know that we're all thinking of you and offering you a shoulder to cry on. *hugs*

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  6. Michelle19 November 2009 at 18:52

    Ohh Princess.. I have been waiting for your post, have been thinking of you all week.
    I am so sorry.

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  7. Lori Lavender Luz19 November 2009 at 18:53

    Abiding with you during this time of incredible sadness and disappointment.

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  8. JW Moxie19 November 2009 at 18:56

    My heart is broken. I held tight to my prayers and hoped that your little acrobat would be able to hang on.

    You're in my continued thoughts.

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  9. Brooke19 November 2009 at 19:11

    I am so sorry. You and your DH will be in my thoughts.

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  10. Anonymous19 November 2009 at 19:13

    *hugs* I'm sorry.

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  11. jenicini19 November 2009 at 19:14

    I am so so sorry. I am thinking of you.

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  12. Robin19 November 2009 at 19:15

    Oh no...

    So sorry.

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  13. Jill M.19 November 2009 at 19:23

    and I wanted it so badly for your too! My heart breaks for you!!!! =((((

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  14. Tina19 November 2009 at 19:24

    So sorry... :(

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  15. jill19 November 2009 at 19:53

    I'm so sorry :( *hug*

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  16. Brandy19 November 2009 at 20:40

    I am so so sorry! Be gentle with yourself!

    www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com

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  17. C19 November 2009 at 20:59

    I'm so sorry. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    ((HUGS))

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  18. kate19 November 2009 at 21:00

    I am so so so so sorry. I was really holding hope in my heart that the little acrobat would hold on and thrive. I am just so sad for you that this one wasn't the one to stick. Sending you all the peace vibes I can manage...

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  19. Illanare19 November 2009 at 21:14

    I am so, so sorry to read this. My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your DH.
    Take care of yourselves.

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  20. Mrs. Farmer19 November 2009 at 21:24

    Oh princess I'm so sorry for you and your hubby!! You are both in my thoughts and prayers. ((((hugs))))

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  21. Anonymous19 November 2009 at 21:47

    I am so so sorry , my thoughts are with you . ((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

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  22. Jules a.k.a. Julie19 November 2009 at 21:51

    So sorry to hear your news. Hugs and prayers for peace somehow.

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  23. The B19 November 2009 at 21:59

    I was focusing deeply for you "two".
    You remain in my thoughts.

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  24. Sass19 November 2009 at 22:22

    My lovely, I am so so sorry.

    I'm thinking of you.
    I wish I was closer so I could give you a hug.

    All my love.
    xxx

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  25. Anonymous19 November 2009 at 22:24

    I just welled up with tears. Hang in there.... I'm so sorry.

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  26. irrationalexuberance19 November 2009 at 23:30

    O I am so so sorry. Take care of yourself.

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  27. Jules19 November 2009 at 23:37

    I'm so sorry. I really thought your little acrobat would make it.

    You & your DH are in my thoughts.

    Take Care. xo

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  28. My Vegas19 November 2009 at 23:48

    ((hugs))

    You are in my thoughts. I am so sorry.

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  29. Anonymous20 November 2009 at 00:37

    I am so very sorry. You are both in my thoughts.

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  30. Jaymee20 November 2009 at 04:47

    super huge enormous hugs i am so sorry.

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  31. Me20 November 2009 at 05:50

    I'm so sorry for your loss - I really was hoping for good news today. You are in my thoughts - take care of yourself, and hold on tight to DH during this difficult time. - Tkeys

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  32. Finn's Mom20 November 2009 at 11:46

    Oh CC, I am so very sorry. We were all pulling for you and little Acrobat with every fiber of our beings. I have been where you are and and IVF loss seems so much worse than other losses because you put so much work and hope and effort into it, it's the Holy Grail. Take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing when you get a chance. {{{HUGS}}}

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  33. Baby Smiling In Back Seat20 November 2009 at 12:35

    I'm so sorry.

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  34. Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle20 November 2009 at 13:18

    I am so sorry for your loss. xoxo

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  35. Life Happens20 November 2009 at 13:42

    I am so sorry. I will pray for you and your husband during this difficult time. May you find peace and comfort through the healing process.

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  36. Celia20 November 2009 at 15:32

    I am so sorry. Be good to yourself. I will pray for you and your family.

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  37. areyoukiddingme20 November 2009 at 16:09

    I'm so sorry.

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  38. HereWeGoAJen20 November 2009 at 16:19

    I'm so sorry. I will be thinking about you.

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  39. just me, dawn20 November 2009 at 17:31

    ((hugs)) visiting from LFCA

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  40. Hope Springs20 November 2009 at 22:01

    I'm so so sorry - I really hoped the news would be different. Thinking of you and sending you ((((hugs)))).

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  41. Aunt Becky20 November 2009 at 23:37

    I am so very sorry. My heart hurts for you.

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  42. Anonymous20 November 2009 at 23:55

    I'm so sorry, nothing else I say will help ease the ache in your heart. ALL loss, ANY loss is hard regardless of what you did to achieve that pregnancy and it's so very unfair for it to be snatched away.
    I hope your heart manages to not hold on to all the pain.
    xx

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  43. Aisha21 November 2009 at 05:36

    I am so so so sorry. I hold you in my heart tonight.

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  44. Anonymous21 November 2009 at 12:27

    I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that your body will heal, along with your mind and emotions. (((hugs)))

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  45. daega9921 November 2009 at 14:28

    Many, many hugs to you.

    http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

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  46. Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo21 November 2009 at 15:15

    I am listening to Jesus Take the Wheel on my playlist on my blog as I write this through tears.

    You will become a momma soon enough. Please don't give up hope...

    From the mama of twins... at 46 years old,
    I say, NEVER give up.

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  47. Anonymous21 November 2009 at 15:45

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. ((many hugs))

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  48. Anonymous21 November 2009 at 16:09

    I am so, so sorry.

    Stopping by for an ICLW visit...
    No. 2: the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, nanowrimo)

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  49. Motherofmany21 November 2009 at 17:57

    that is so sad! maybe it will work out better next time.

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  50. Wishing 4 One21 November 2009 at 19:36

    Oh circus princess.... xxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooo

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  51. nh21 November 2009 at 21:00

    I'm so so sorry for you.
    Be kind to yourself.

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  52. Jo21 November 2009 at 21:11

    There are no words.

    Thinking of you.

    Hugs,
    Jo

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  53. MMR21 November 2009 at 21:12

    Sorry to hear your news! Take care!

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  54. Lori LeRoy22 November 2009 at 00:32

    I realize that words can't take away your pain, but know that there are so many people thnking and praying for you both right now.

    Take care of yourself, do something, anything that might take hat pain away, even if it's just for a moment.

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  55. AshPash22 November 2009 at 05:12

    My heart aches for you. Signed into Blogger just to check on you. How I wish the news was better. (((Supportive hugs))) Circus Princess. I am so very sorry.

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  56. Mrs. Gamgee22 November 2009 at 05:40

    So very very sorry!

    Please be sure to take care of yourself.

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  57. Fran22 November 2009 at 11:34

    Oh sweetie I've been away and missed all this, I'm so so sorry. Give yourself time, it'll get better I promise and you have snowbabies waiting for you, you have to be strong for them and to give them hope. Sending you hugs and prayers, Fran

    (ICLW post too)

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