Thursday, 19 November 2009

Time to say good bye

One hour after the nice nurse drew my blood we walked in to Dr. Swedish's office. 
One glance confirmed my fears. 
He said in a low voice: "I'm sorry Circus Princess, it's not good news". 
"Your hcg has dropped to 800". 

With a tiny sound my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. 
Deep down I knew it was coming. 
The bleeding that wouldn't stop. 
The lack of tender breasts when I woke up Monday morning. 
A sobering feeling of no longer being pregnant. 
But I wanted it so badly. 
My wish was so deep and my prayers so intense. 
I nurtured that speck of hope after seeing our impossible ultrasound on Sunday. 

Now I have to say good bye. 
Our acrobat is gone.
 
Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep.


58 comments:

  1. I am so sorry. This is the most difficult part of IF that I have had to deal with so I know how absolutely crushing it is. Please take good care of yourself and your husband during this difficult time. I am sending you hugs and strength.

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  2. Oh, hon, I am so very sorry. We are all here with you, supporting you through this. Cry as much as you need to. Sending a warm hug your way, and wishing you peace... {hug}

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  3. Noooo! I am so, so sorry. I feel your pain. Please take extra good care of yourself.

    Words can't express...

    (Hug)

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  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I now kind of know how you feel, and it's a dark place to be. I wish I could give you a hug--I think we could both use one. Like you said to me yesterday, just take time to feel each thing as it comes. And try to take care of yourself.

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  5. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say to be of some comfort to you...I can't imagine how difficult this is and how much you're hurting. Take care of yourself as you grieve and know that we're all thinking of you and offering you a shoulder to cry on. *hugs*

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  6. Ohh Princess.. I have been waiting for your post, have been thinking of you all week.
    I am so sorry.

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  7. Abiding with you during this time of incredible sadness and disappointment.

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  8. My heart is broken. I held tight to my prayers and hoped that your little acrobat would be able to hang on.

    You're in my continued thoughts.

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  9. I am so sorry. You and your DH will be in my thoughts.

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  10. I am so so sorry. I am thinking of you.

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  11. and I wanted it so badly for your too! My heart breaks for you!!!! =((((

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  12. I am so so sorry! Be gentle with yourself!

    www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com

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  13. I'm so sorry. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    ((HUGS))

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  14. I am so so so so sorry. I was really holding hope in my heart that the little acrobat would hold on and thrive. I am just so sad for you that this one wasn't the one to stick. Sending you all the peace vibes I can manage...

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  15. I am so, so sorry to read this. My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your DH.
    Take care of yourselves.

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  16. Oh princess I'm so sorry for you and your hubby!! You are both in my thoughts and prayers. ((((hugs))))

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  17. I am so so sorry , my thoughts are with you . ((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

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  18. So sorry to hear your news. Hugs and prayers for peace somehow.

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  19. I was focusing deeply for you "two".
    You remain in my thoughts.

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  20. My lovely, I am so so sorry.

    I'm thinking of you.
    I wish I was closer so I could give you a hug.

    All my love.
    xxx

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  21. I just welled up with tears. Hang in there.... I'm so sorry.

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  22. O I am so so sorry. Take care of yourself.

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  23. I'm so sorry. I really thought your little acrobat would make it.

    You & your DH are in my thoughts.

    Take Care. xo

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  24. ((hugs))

    You are in my thoughts. I am so sorry.

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  25. I am so very sorry. You are both in my thoughts.

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  26. super huge enormous hugs i am so sorry.

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  27. I'm so sorry for your loss - I really was hoping for good news today. You are in my thoughts - take care of yourself, and hold on tight to DH during this difficult time. - Tkeys

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  28. Oh CC, I am so very sorry. We were all pulling for you and little Acrobat with every fiber of our beings. I have been where you are and and IVF loss seems so much worse than other losses because you put so much work and hope and effort into it, it's the Holy Grail. Take care of yourself and let us know how you're doing when you get a chance. {{{HUGS}}}

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  29. I am so sorry for your loss. xoxo

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  30. I am so sorry. I will pray for you and your husband during this difficult time. May you find peace and comfort through the healing process.

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  31. I am so sorry. Be good to yourself. I will pray for you and your family.

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  32. I'm so sorry. I will be thinking about you.

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  33. I'm so so sorry - I really hoped the news would be different. Thinking of you and sending you ((((hugs)))).

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  34. I am so very sorry. My heart hurts for you.

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  35. I'm so sorry, nothing else I say will help ease the ache in your heart. ALL loss, ANY loss is hard regardless of what you did to achieve that pregnancy and it's so very unfair for it to be snatched away.
    I hope your heart manages to not hold on to all the pain.
    xx

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  36. I am so so so sorry. I hold you in my heart tonight.

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  37. I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that your body will heal, along with your mind and emotions. (((hugs)))

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  38. Many, many hugs to you.

    http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

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  39. I am listening to Jesus Take the Wheel on my playlist on my blog as I write this through tears.

    You will become a momma soon enough. Please don't give up hope...

    From the mama of twins... at 46 years old,
    I say, NEVER give up.

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  40. I am so, so sorry for your loss. ((many hugs))

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  41. I am so, so sorry.

    Stopping by for an ICLW visit...
    No. 2: the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, nanowrimo)

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  42. that is so sad! maybe it will work out better next time.

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  43. Oh circus princess.... xxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooo

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  44. I'm so so sorry for you.
    Be kind to yourself.

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  45. There are no words.

    Thinking of you.

    Hugs,
    Jo

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  46. Sorry to hear your news! Take care!

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  47. I realize that words can't take away your pain, but know that there are so many people thnking and praying for you both right now.

    Take care of yourself, do something, anything that might take hat pain away, even if it's just for a moment.

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  48. My heart aches for you. Signed into Blogger just to check on you. How I wish the news was better. (((Supportive hugs))) Circus Princess. I am so very sorry.

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  49. So very very sorry!

    Please be sure to take care of yourself.

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  50. Oh sweetie I've been away and missed all this, I'm so so sorry. Give yourself time, it'll get better I promise and you have snowbabies waiting for you, you have to be strong for them and to give them hope. Sending you hugs and prayers, Fran

    (ICLW post too)

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