Just what the doctor ordered

8 beautiful days in Jamaica. Sun, ocean, romance and all inclusive. Does it get any better than that? 

It's been so long since me and Diver Dude were just tourists that we both found it a little uncomfortable to fit in to that role. And I'm not sold on the whole charter-big-group-o'-sun-thirsty-tourist business and I would have preferred to see more of the local culture, but as far as a relaxing vacation in the sun goes, it was still kind of wonderful.

Living in Hawai'i for six years gave us a glimpse of what goes on behind the scene in a tourist paradise and how much of it you actually miss out on when you're just visiting. In a way it has removed the innocent idea of a perfect oasis and added layers of complexity that I can't ignore when visiting another "paradise". Much like IF removes the innocent pure joy of finding out you're pregnant.

Enough with the rambling and what sounds like complaining. Since a picture speaks a thousand words I'll just share our trip with you in images and maybe you'll get a sneak peak of what I'm talking about.

View of Ocho Rios from Fern Valley

This little girl was begging for scraps from the tourists - it broke my heart. I wanted to take her home.

A bar/convenience store in the mountains.

Jamaican lady carrying bananas on her head.

I found the culprit. He's on vacation!!

The full moon over our hotel.

Our borrowed piece of paradise.

How beautiful is this?

Bartenders by the pool. Bad news :)

Working hard at getting a tan. With a Mai Tai in my left hand and a good book in my right.

After a week in Jamaica I feel balanced and happy both within myself and in my relationship with Diver Dude. It was wonderful to spend time together and rediscover our love for each other. And laugh. We did a whole lot of laughing. 

I honestly couldn't ask to be in a better place for this FET. 

Today is CD 2 of the cycle we'll board one of our ice skaters. It feels a little surreal because all I have to do is go in for a date with the dildo-cam on the 19th to check for a lead follicle, pin-point ovulation with OPK, and go in six days later to have the little skater put back. No meds, no needles, no problem.

The only thing I can find that's negative about all this is that Diver Dude won't be able to come with me to Sweden. He'll be just a phone call away though, so we should do just fine. 

If the dad is not in the same country as you when you get pregnant would that be considered an immaculate conception? 

Healing

I've been in pain. An intense emotional pain. But also a physical very tangible sort of pain. 

Never before have I experienced a sadness that lives in the body, but grieving the loss of our acrobat has effected me in unexpected ways. I wasn't expecting to feel betrayed by my own body. I couldn't anticipate having these strong conflicting emotions of pregnancy and loss. How could I explain to D that a compliment regarding my new "voluptuous" figure felt like a kick in the stomach this week when just last week it had made me smile. How was it possible to feel devastated and relieved at the same time?

When we first got the news I experienced a tight squeeze around my heart and a firm pressure over my chest. The only thing that would temporarily relieve that feeling was to sob. Loudly. Over the next few days my entire body started to tense up and I felt like every muscle was an achy knot. Taking hot showers worked at first but soon that just wasn't enough. D volunteered to give me a full body massage and that made me cry uncontrollably but left me feeling better for hours. But the pain kept creeping back. A few days ago when my bleeding had finally tapered off to minor spotting D suggested making love to relieve the pain. At first it didn't sound very tempting. All I wanted to do was hibernate until everything was back to normal. So what we hadn't been intimate since the egg retrieval over five weeks ago? Had it really been five weeks? I let him talk me in to it. Reluctantly. 

Making love was like therapy and when I finally had an orgasm it felt like my body and mind exploded. Sorry about the bad romantic novel line here but seriously, although sex with D is always good, this was different. It felt as if all the pain and hurt left my body and I started shaking, crying and laughing all at once seconds after climaxing. Scared the heck out of D, he probably thought I had completely lost it. The day after I stopped bleeding completely and for the first time in a very long time I started feeling almost back to normal.

Today I went to have my hcg levels checked. I'm hoping that my body has taken care of this miscarriage on its own and that I won't need a d&c. I talked to Dr. Boss Lady at the fertility clinic in Sweden last week and told her what had happened. She was sad to hear about our loss but made sure to tell me that medically they consider this good news. She said it's nice to know you can get pregnant with yours and Ds embryo, and that what happened is most likely just bad luck and that out of our four nice blasts they happened to pick the one (statistically) with a chromosomal defect. She was very confident next time our chances of success would be even better. We talked about doing an unmedicated FET in February if my cycle is back to normal by then. I feel pretty good about that. It will give me time to heal. It will give me and D time to find each other again. We'll have a Christmas free from worry and we'll be able to toast in champagne for New Years and Ds birthday. And we'll have time to make a whole lot of love.