I'm floating in a deep ocean of sadness. My body goes through the motions of normal daily routines but my mind is somewhere else. The sound that goes in through my ears is distorted and muted like under water. My chest feels too tight and I have to remind myself to breathe. I can see light at the surface but am too tired to swim towards it.
Early Pregnancy Loss. That's what the brochure I was given by Dr. Swedish on Thursday is called. He must have given me the wrong one. I was six weeks and two days pregnant when I miscarried but getting pregnant took us two years and five months. Getting pregnant required a ton of hormones, doctors, embryologists, money and determination. Emotionally this was not an early pregnancy loss. This was the loss of a child we've longed for for years. This was the loss of the last of our innocence.
The brochure talks about what to expect physically and emotionally after a pregnancy loss and ends with the words: "You can ovulate and become pregnant as soon as 2 weeks after an early miscarriage". I can't help but smile. A crooked smile with teary eyes. I wish it was that simple.
For all of you visiting from ICLW, welcome. I'm sorry you had to find me in such a dark place, normally I'm quite a happy girl. Sometimes even funny. Me and D struggle with male factor IF due to a much regretted vasectomy thirteen years ago and a failed reversal almost three years ago. We went through our first IVF with ICSI and TESA in October, miraculously got the much coveted BFP but lost our little acrobat last Thursday after weeks of drama. Right now I'm just trying to stay afloat. Hope to see you again when I get my head above the surface.
Visiting from ICLW, I have been reading about your journey and you have deeply moved me, so sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs from across the pond.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, and am thinking of you.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about "early pregnancy loss" - especially as you have been trying so hard.
ReplyDeleteTake as long as you need to mourn. It's totally okay to be completely miserable.
And a glimmer of hope: your frozen blast.
Jem
This is such a well written post. You verbalized exactly what DH and I have been feeling for the past several days. I can't believe the amount of energy it took me to get out of bed and go to work this week and then even more energy to pretend all was fine.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are right. Pregnancy via IVF is such a hard-fought victory, to have it taken away is like having part of your heart ripped right out of your body. Because it isn't like we can just try again next month as the lab tech told me a few days ago. Nope. In order to get here again we have to ride the IVF roller coaster (which makes it sound far more pleasant than it really is). And we get to pay lots of money just to get on that ride.
Please take care of yourself. I've been thinking of you lots.
((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI've been following you for the past few weeks. I'm so sorry for your loss.
so sorry! I wish this did not happen to you. I wish it
ReplyDeleteso much! please spend the time you need to grieve,
like you said, its not been 6 weeks, its been 2 years plus
6 weeks, give yourself some time.
Having to go through this really stinks. And you are 100% right early pregnancy loss, my butt. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteHi Sweetie, just wanted to check in on you. I wish I could give you a hug, or do something to take the pain away. Unless someone has been through it, there's no way they can understand the pain associated with an IVF loss. I'm so, so sorry.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
I am so so sad for you. I understand the pain as we've been through a vasectomy reversal that wasn't successful enough to conceive naturally and then endured 4 IVFs and a FET. This journey is so painful and to finally get your BFP and then have a loss, that is just unbearable. Sending you lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThinking about you. So sorry. ICLW
ReplyDeleteIt's good to hear from you, CP, even if you are floating in this ocean of sadness right now. We're all treading water right here with you, girl. I've been thinking of you this week. I love your poignant words about this not being an "early" loss--oh so painfully true. {hug}
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with you - I think that us infertiles feel the loss of our babies that much more because there is no guarantee that we'll get pregnant again. It's a major loss of innocence.
ReplyDeletePlease give yourself the time and space you need to grieve in your own way and time.
I am terribly sorry for your loss. ICLW
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of you so much recently, I read your blog and feel like we are connected thru this sisterhood of loss and hope against odds.
ReplyDeleteI too lost a very early pregnancy (just before Halloween) this year. It was our third loss after many years of unassisted trying, mis-diganoses and hope.
I carry this loss daily, and agree with you; It is a loss of something pure; something perfect and innocent.
You are only the third person I have told our loss, as the reality is still too overwhelming.
I am so sorry you are floating in that vast sea; it is lonely and deep. Just promise to kick a leg every once in a while and eventually you will reach a shore.
Hello my lovely.
ReplyDeleteSending you love.
I have been thinking of you.
Much love.
Sass
xx
Thinking of you. xo
ReplyDeleteI am visiting from ICLW. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know how heartbreaking pregnancy loss is.
ReplyDeleteI'm SO sorry, I was hoping for your happily ever after.
ReplyDelete(ICLW)
Honey. Please consider surrogacy. I can walk you through it.... KEEP the hope alive.
ReplyDeleteMy friend became a mom at 45 of twins after 12 m/cs and 14 rounds of IVF.
Hugs and blessings and I appreciate the comment about giving you hope. I became a mom at nearly 46. DO NOT GIVE UP.
so sad, so sorry. I'll go and find that music of the movie "The Piano". When the piano falls overboard it drags her with it into the depth. It seems to take forever for her to free herself from the tangle. But she does. May the music help you find the way up.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to come by from ICLW on such a sad time, I can understand it is not as simple as an early pregnancy loss (well, not really, but I can see from your post that it is). I'm glad you have a community to support you during these times.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you lots of Hugs!! And your still in my thoughts and prayers!!!
ReplyDeleteLove & Hugs
Mrs. Farmer
You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHere for ICLW. I hope you can find some peace after your loss.
ReplyDeleteSo very sorry for your loss. I too lost a much-longed-for baby at 6 weeks after my first IVF. That was almost two years ago, and I'm still a little heartbroken, but it does get easier. My thoughts are with you as you grieve.
ReplyDeleteOh hon, I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I've been through many early losses myself and it is heartbreaking. Once, getupgrrl wrote a brilliant post about a Japanese ceremony called Mizuko which recognizes the loss of a pregnancy. I think grieving a miscarriage would be so much easier if we had something like that. If there is anything I can do for you, please email me.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry hun *hugs*
ReplyDeleteStill thinking of you and you know I always do and will. xoxoxoxoxox
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for what you are going through.
ReplyDeleteICLW
I'm so so sorry. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there, & you described it all too accurately. I've also had the pregnant 2 weeks later part and lost that one too.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't have to go through this again, and your next wait is a good deal shorter. *hug*
Sending you love....
ReplyDeleteHoping 2morrow will be ok.
Hugs sweetie. I have been there and it is brutal.
You will make it through, I promise. Even if you break down. It's ok.