Monday, 21 September 2009

The "what if not" list

My Hubster writes lists. Excessively. It helps him organize his life and feel like he's in control. I don't. I'm more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. As a matter of fact, lists scare me a little, because if I did do lists and I didn't stick to them (which in my case is very likely) there would actually be proof of the things I didn't do. 

Friday night I had a little melt down and a good cry. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the two big glasses of Cabernet I had before dinner. D is not a big fan of me crying and wants to immediately make things better and "fix" the problem. But what made me cry is equally a good thing as it is a bad thing and not really a problem that can be "fixed". I cried because we're about to join the circus. Full on, no going back, joining the circus. We're going straight from ttc on our own to IVF/ICSI with sperm aspiration. No IUI. No regular IVF. The full monty. And it scares the living crap out of me at the same time as it fills me with this overwhelming feeling of hope. What scares me is that this is it, this is our chance to have the baby we long for, and what if it doesn't work? What if it's not meant to be (and I truly hate that expression but it does have an unarguable meaning of faith).

Being faced with my dual emotions and my hardly comprehensible sobbing attempts to explain, D resorted to just giving me a big warm hug. And then he turned to his one reliable solution to most problems. List making. So somehow I've now agreed to writing two life lists if you will, one "what if (we have a child)" list and one "what if not" list. In my head the "what if" list is a very long already written list whereas the "what if not" is completely blank. Tonight we'll try to start that worst scenario list so we at least have a backup plan, something to fall back on if our circus careers don't work out.

Am I looking forward to it? Not so much. Unless I can send my "what if" list to Santa.


  1. Super S does not like when I cry either and always try to make me feel better, not always easy.

    My blog is my list I think, although actually writing the two lists you are going to do, is not a bad idea. But for me, after 7 failed attempts, how will I start my lists, LOL.

    I may just try it as we prepare to jump into the IVF circus again too. Thanks for always reading along at my blog, glad I found yours too. xoxoxoxo

  2. Double-majoring in scared and hopeful seems to be quite normal, as the two complement each other quite well, though the scared kind of takes the some of the happy out of the hopeful, does it not?

    Dare I say that D's list plan sounds somewhat smart, if a painful process?

    Shall I write every sentence of my comment in the form of a question?

    Hugs to you. It ain't easy. Hope you can find some peace in this process.

  3. Oh, yeah, here from ICLW, though you probably got that already. :)

  4. Thanks for the comment on my blog. Sometimes when we write things down, it makes it more real, even if we don't want to see it written down. But then you can choose to focus on the positives in life. Sounds like your DH is a great support. Good luck with everything! Sending you happy thoughts!

  5. I am a list maker as well. I have to have things planned out or I get nervous. I know it sounds scary to jump from ttcing on your own to IVF, but you can do it. I have heard so many people who it has worked for. I hope you get your bfp.


  6. I love lists! I make mental lists every day, and try to get them done. My DH is a "fixer" too, and I adore him for it (most of the time). We are also having MFI issues and are probably going to do IVF/ICSI if we can't get better numbers for DH. I am looking forward to following your journey!!!

    Have a great day!


  7. Eh... IVF aint so scary (well, actually it's terrifying but I'm trying to be optimistic here since I'm on my 2nd IVF with ICSI). But I love the idea of making the "what if" list. I too have ignored that list because it's such a scary thought; somehow writing it on paper makes it seem more likely to happen.

    But best of luck to you anyway!! and happy ICLW!

  8. Infertility is so hard. My DH and I used to talk about what we would do if we never had kids. He would always cheer me up by saying we would travel the world with all the money we saved from not having kids. It always made me laugh. But deep down, it also hurt to think about that life.

    You ARE embarking on a crazy circus ride. Just remember to keep hoping and being positive, even when it feels like the the world is against you. I wish you all the best of luck with your cycle. I hope and pray it results in a warm, snuggly baby.

  9. We're doing the same thing, just jumping in with IVF with ICSI. Kinda like that trapeze artist, it's a leap of faith!

  10. Hi from ICLW-land! Having been down the IVF/ICSI route, I just wanted to wish you luck. And I like the idea of lists. While there were things I could think of on both when we were going through IF, I certainly thought my life would be happier on the with a child list. I really hope you make it there very soon!!!!

  11. thank you for the comments on my blog!

    i wrote one of those lists a loooong time ago and found it the other day, and really it was the best laugh that i have had in a long time. i never thought that we would be where we are now. you will learn that all the things you say are your limits in the world of IF fly out the window when those choices begin to narrow. not in a million years did i think that i would be having a baby with two other women, my surrogate and egg donor. what woman ever thinks she is going to get another woman pregnant? i really hope that this works for you and your husband, you will be in my thoughts and i am always here if you need an ear.


  12. DH and I sat down one night and made our lists. Mine was a list of things I would be missing out on if I never became a mother. It was long...pages and pages. But honestly it helped me. I realized how much I actually wanted a child and how far I am willing to go.

    IVF scares the living daylights out of me and is most likely our only shot at a baby. Before, I was so wishy-washy about it; saying that it's too expensive, I don't want to put those fertility drugs in my body, blah blah blah. Making that list made me realize that I would go through all of that for one (or 2 or 3) cycles just so I don't miss out on a lifetime of something I truly want in my heart.

  13. I'm not a list maker myself, probably for the same reason you described. My husband and I also went from TTC naturally for two years strait to IVF. It was the first time I had felt hopeful in two years, but also really scared. All of a sudden all your eggs are in one basket. So I sat down and made a list. More of a road map, really. If this cycle doesn't work (and it probably won't) we'll do...and then if that doesn't work we'll do...
    It gave me some confidence. I knew what I was willing to do and how far I would go. Of course, IF being what it is there were so many things that I hadn't dreamed of that popped up. Like having to have surgery to remove a fibroid and having to wait a year before cycling again...or getting pregnant, but then having a miscarriage...or having twins. Anyway, I'm not sure that lists are adequate for an infertility situation. You need more like a war room, with big maps on the walls and attack and exit strategies.

  14. The thought of the "What if not" list brought tears to my eyes! I'm a listmaker from way back, but there are some lists I'm not sure I could bring myself to write for fear of self-fulfilling prophecy. That said, I think that the exercise is a good one and DH's heart is in the right place. (((HUGS)))

    My DH and I may also be moving straight from natural TTC to IVF w/ ICSI sometime next year. It is bizarre to think about that much of a leap. But, we'll do what gives us the best chance of success.

    I wish you the best of luck on your upcoming IVF cycle. Please let us know how the list turned out.

  15. I like your husband's way of dealing with a weaping you. I like that he wants to do lists of "what if" and "what if not", it's so therapeutic.

    When I was about to start my first IVF/ICSI and I had a big meltdown crying session, my husband made me go to the mall and eat food court stir-fry. Not quite so therapeutic.

    I wish you all the best of luck.

  16. We also moved pretty quickly to IVF in our TTC journey, and I had a complete meltdown right before we started because it felt like we were hauling out the "big guns" so quickly and wouldn't have any "plan B" if IVF didn't work.

    In our case, it helped to plan (a) how many cycles of IVF we'd do, and (b) what we'd do if it never worked (we decided we'd move toward adoption). Knowing that we'd be parents one day no matter what, somehow, made IVF feel less like jumping off a cliff.

    I'm wishing you the very best of luck.


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