Tuesday, 15 September 2009

The Cancer Monster

Patrick Swayze has passed away. He lost his struggle with pancreatic cancer leaving Lisa, wife of 33 years, behind. No children. A 30 year legacy of movies, but no children. 
A small hand of fear grabs my heart. Fear of leaving this world, or being left in this world, without children. Alone. Is it a completely selfish thing to want to have kids, of becoming immortal in a way? Or is it just the basics of life: live, love, procreate and die, and if one of those things doesn't happen is it all wasted? Can you replace it with something else? Can a great career or a big unselfish deed fill that emptiness? 

I've always had a fear of dying. Or rather, a fear of everyone else dying and leaving me behind.  I've searched for a belief or religion to help me find the meaning of life. I've tried finding a logical sense through science. But for every question to which I've found an answer two new questions appear. The one thing I find comfort in is love. That great big love I have for my husband and family and the wide love I have for the world in general. Love doesn't disappear with time and it grows bigger when loving more and when you're loved back. The only thing that makes love smaller is fear. So there's a catch 22. Love to not fear. Fear to not love. 

I'm rambling. I do that a lot. Most of it nobody gets to read or hear and that's probably for the better... The story of Swayze's passing reminded me of two things I fear. A childless future and the Cancer Monster. I'm picking up the phone right now to call and schedule my annual pap.


  1. Beautiful post. I also fear the Cancer Monster. My precious MIL died before my eyes (figuratively and literally) after a ten year battle with breast cancer (it metastisized). It also made me sad that PS died without ever having been a father. I don't know the answer to our fears and how to push them away. I find that as I get older (and wiser, ha!) I am able to cope better with things that scare me.

  2. I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL :-( It's a terrible decease that most people have been in close contact with. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer in 2001 but was successfully treated with cone biopsy. I hope for more vaccines like the HPV vaccine and better, more efficient treatments in the future.


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