Friday, 18 September 2009
Don't try this at home
In our quest to try to find ways to spice up our sex life while trying to make babies me and D have tried a few crazy things. This is not a post for the faint hearted or the prude-ish so if you belong to either of those categories please stop reading now.
One of the things I do is to "clean up the playground" each month, i.e. give the nani* a good shave. This is much appreciated by the Hubster but the downside is that you have to keep shaving it about every third day or there'll be some less pleasant "roughage". Usually that's fine but if you find yourself in a heated moment at the right time of month and realize it's been three or more days since you shaved... let's just say, things (i.e. his man parts) can get ugly (as in red, sore and puffy). So I had this brilliant idea. It's spelled b.r.a.z.i.l.i.a.n b.i.k.i.n.i w.a.x. I figured I'll wax the nani once a month and things will stay nice and smooth. I jump online, do some research and find Gigi's brazilian wax for this specific use. I throw one in my shopping cart, head for check out and wait for delivery. Five days later the box arrives. Complete with wax, heater, spatulas, cooling lotion and an instruction video.
The night of our premiere waxing we're like two kids on Christmas eve. We watch the instruction video to see how it's all done salon style. We heat up the wax for forty five minutes as required, put out towels, turn on some music and get ready to start the treatment. I lay down on the towel laid out on our kitchen table (D needs to have a good working position right?) and get ready to be pampered. D checks the consistency of the wax, puts some on the spatula and applies a small strip on my nani. He leaves it on for a while and makes sure it's not sticky and then quickly RIPS IT OFF!!! OMFG!! I've had my legs and bikini line waxed before but this does not compare. Well, D's not a beautician and somehow he forgot the part of stretching out the skin before ripping the wax off! Ouch! After catching my breath and wiping tears of pain off my face I tell him as nicely as I can to please stretch the skin next time before ripping. D is now looking a little worried and not as excited anymore but he bravely agrees to try again. So he repeats the procedure, check consistency, wax on, wait, check stickyness, STRETCH and RIP! Still extremely painful but manageable... kind of... We try a few more times but when D tells me we probably need to repeat this at least twenty times PER SIDE we look at each other and shake our heads. I climb off the table and wander off to take a shower while D cleans up the kitchen. My poor nani has taken a beating and still has pieces of wax attached to stray hairs even after the shower. The cooling lotion didn't do much good to my damaged goods either. Needless to say there's no action that night.
The moral of the story is that I'll leave the brazilian waxing to professionals and keep shaving every three days.
* nani = short for the hawaiian word "puanani" meaning "beautiful flower" and is slang for vagina.