Friday, 11 September 2009

The big snip-snip

Yesterday I read a fellow infertile sisters newest post in which she talks about the risk of being seen as ungrateful. She worries about her new twin pregnancy and her toddler son,  conceived after years of infertility and several attempts at IUI. Completely normal thoughts like: Am I ready for this? Can I really take care of 2 infants and a toddler? What about sleep depravation, etc., etc. She then goes on to talk about how lucky they are to have the opportunity to have three kids in spite of their infertility. When talking about her and her DH's conversation about having their second and possibly third child she continues by saying: " I thought DH was just wanting to further postpone getting the big snip-snip". 

Reading this was like getting punched in the gut. I wanted to scream. I got teary eyed, angry, felt powerless and wanted to take it out on the author of the blog and had to physically remove myself from the computer to not write a hurtful comment. I didn't and I don't want to judge anyone for their thoughts or ideas but my feelings about vasectomy are darkened by our fertility struggle. What is wrong with other, less permanent contraception methods? Why destroy perfectly healthy baby making parts when so many of us would give anything for them?

Over 10 years ago my D had a vasectomy. He was single. He had three beautiful girls from two previous marriages. The two oldest daughters have the same mom, the first was planned, the second an "accident" while him and his wife were in the process of separation. His third daughter was conceived by deception. D was told by his second wife that she was on the pill when in fact she wanted and was trying to get pregnant. Shortly after his daughter was born they separated. Of course he loves his girls but it was never an uncomplicated love. Long story short, I think D had his vasectomy to get control of his life. He wanted to make sure no life changing decisions were left in the hands of others. And he was happy with his choice until he met me. Life  changed and he found himself wanting what he hasn't really had before. A family. After careful consideration he had the reversal and he says that it hurt a lot more and the  recovery time was longer than after the vasectomy. According to D sex got better and orgasms more intense after the reversal. We just recently found out, almost 2 years after surgery, that the reversal has reversed or "clogged up". D told me that he had known that something wasn't right, that the last month he had had a reduced sense of orgasms... That night after we found out he said with a voice heavy with remorse that he wishes he hadn't "mutilated" himself in the first place. 

I get it if you want to make sure no accidents happen. I certainly get it if hormones aren't the right thing for your partner. It's just such a permanent solution in a life that keeps changing. There are so many variables and hard questions you need to ask yourself. What if your marriage doesn't last? What if something happens to your children? What if? What if? What if?


  1. Thank you for posting a comment on my blog. (It's nice to know someone is actually reading it. LOL!) You are about two weeks ahead of me as far as the IVF goes and it is indeed a circus. Although the circumstances regarding how we got here are different, I think the overwhelming feelings are very much the same. I wish you luck and will be cheering you on from the sidelines.


  2. Oh my goodness this is woderfully written!! I have a coworker who is in the same boat. It is such a sad and permemant thing. The reversal didn't work and now she's childless because of her hubbys ex-wife's demand. I feel the same way as you do about mutilating the body. Its never the right choice.


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