Monday, 21 September 2009
The "what if not" list
My Hubster writes lists. Excessively. It helps him organize his life and feel like he's in control. I don't. I'm more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. As a matter of fact, lists scare me a little, because if I did do lists and I didn't stick to them (which in my case is very likely) there would actually be proof of the things I didn't do.
Friday night I had a little melt down and a good cry. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the two big glasses of Cabernet I had before dinner. D is not a big fan of me crying and wants to immediately make things better and "fix" the problem. But what made me cry is equally a good thing as it is a bad thing and not really a problem that can be "fixed". I cried because we're about to join the circus. Full on, no going back, joining the circus. We're going straight from ttc on our own to IVF/ICSI with sperm aspiration. No IUI. No regular IVF. The full monty. And it scares the living crap out of me at the same time as it fills me with this overwhelming feeling of hope. What scares me is that this is it, this is our chance to have the baby we long for, and what if it doesn't work? What if it's not meant to be (and I truly hate that expression but it does have an unarguable meaning of faith).
Being faced with my dual emotions and my hardly comprehensible sobbing attempts to explain, D resorted to just giving me a big warm hug. And then he turned to his one reliable solution to most problems. List making. So somehow I've now agreed to writing two life lists if you will, one "what if (we have a child)" list and one "what if not" list. In my head the "what if" list is a very long already written list whereas the "what if not" is completely blank. Tonight we'll try to start that worst scenario list so we at least have a backup plan, something to fall back on if our circus careers don't work out.
Am I looking forward to it? Not so much. Unless I can send my "what if" list to Santa.