Thursday, 14 January 2010
since last I saw The Bloody Monster. She deserves a gold star for not taking a long break or acting too strange after the m/c. I'm also pretty sure I ovulated around the 1st, when I had the unmistakable tugging/pinching feeling in my left ovary.
So... it looks like I'll be ready to board one of our ice skaters in February. How exciting is that? And how terrifying? Scary as it may be, I am ready. Physically and emotionally. At peace with the m/c and ready for a new beginning.
I'm happy to be doing a natural FET and I'm hoping my body will handle a pregnancy better without the added stress of extra hormones. Hoping there will be a pregnancy to "handle" of course. With all my heart.
Since we're doing a FET au natural I need to start charting and OPTing again. I just ordered 50 OPT El Cheapo online so I don't have to be bashful about how many days or times a day I test. And I get to practice this month. Practice makes perfect me thinks.
I've been thinking a lot about weather or not to tell the world about this FET. When we did our IVF/ICSI we told everyone and his uncle. We told family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, pub owners, kennel staff and even the cashiers at bloody Sainsbury's. We were just so excited and hopeful and wanted to share our circus experience with as many people as possible.
But that openness brought an unexpected darker side. Having to tell everybody about loosing the acrobat. And being open in a time of sorrow is so much harder than when you're hoperful and excited.
For my birthday in November we all went to our local pub/restaurant for dinner and the owner and Diver Dude were joking about how poorly planned my birthday was since I couldn't drink. Congratulations were given to celebrate both my birthday and the new pregnancy. Last Friday we went back for the first time since. It was the last hurdle to get over after the m/c for me. Diver Dude knew about my worry and promised to support me. He was the one to go up to the bar and order "a Guiness for me and a glass of Merlot for my wife". He was the one who met the sad but politely smiling look of the owners wife. I watched at a safe distance and when she looked over at me with an uncertain smile I gave her a slight nod a crooked smile. And that was that. The last one to know. Now life goes on.
In a way I think it has helped me that everybody knew what was going on. I could be honest about the sadness I felt. I never felt isolated in my pain, and never felt like I had to hide anything. Not that I didn't want to at times. But I think it forced me to deal with all the emotions right away, and I think it made me stronger. Because being able to show weakness can make you stronger.
So I think that also this time we'll talk openly about our experience, but keep it to family and friends. I don't think the mailman or the baker needs to know about our impending baby making.