Thursday, 14 January 2010

27 days

since last I saw The Bloody Monster. She deserves a gold star for not taking a long break or acting too strange after the m/c. I'm also pretty sure I ovulated around the 1st, when I had the unmistakable tugging/pinching feeling in my left ovary.
 
So... it looks like I'll be ready to board one of our ice skaters in February. How exciting is that? And how terrifying? Scary as it may be, I am ready. Physically and emotionally. At peace with the m/c and ready for a new beginning.

I'm happy to be doing a natural FET and I'm hoping my body will handle a pregnancy better without the added stress of extra hormones. Hoping there will be a pregnancy to "handle" of course. With all my heart. 

Since we're doing a FET au natural I need to start charting and OPTing again. I just ordered 50 OPT El Cheapo online so I don't have to be bashful about how many days or times a day I test. And I get to practice this month. Practice makes perfect me thinks. 
I've been thinking a lot about weather or not to tell the world about this FET. When we did our IVF/ICSI we told everyone and his uncle. We told family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, pub owners, kennel staff and even the cashiers at bloody Sainsbury's. We were just so excited and hopeful and wanted to share our circus experience with as many people as possible. 
But that openness brought an unexpected darker side. Having to tell everybody about loosing the acrobat. And being open in a time of sorrow is so much harder than when you're hoperful and excited. 

For my birthday in November we all went to our local pub/restaurant for dinner and the owner and Diver Dude were joking about how poorly planned my birthday was since I couldn't drink. Congratulations were given to celebrate both my birthday and the new pregnancy. Last Friday we went back for the first time since. It was the last hurdle to get over after the m/c for me. Diver Dude knew about my worry and promised to support me. He was the one to go up to the bar and order "a Guiness for me and a glass of Merlot for my wife". He was the one who met the sad but politely smiling look of the owners wife. I watched at a safe distance and when she looked over at me with an uncertain smile I gave her a slight nod a crooked smile. And that was that. The last one to know. Now life goes on.

In a way I think it has helped me that everybody knew what was going on. I could be honest about the sadness I felt. I never felt isolated in my pain, and never felt like I had to hide anything. Not that I didn't want to at times. But I think it forced me to deal with all the emotions right away, and I think it made me stronger. Because being able to show weakness can make you stronger.

So I think that also this time we'll talk openly about our experience, but keep it to family and friends. I don't think the mailman or the baker needs to know about our impending baby making.

28 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about not telling everyone. I always say I am not going to say anything but then I can never keep it in.

    Good Luck! I hope this FET works for you and I am so so sorry about your m/c. sending lots of hugs and baby dust your way!

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  2. Yay for your body getting back in gear! We opted not to tell anyone, mostly because I don't want to deal with questions. It's a personal choice, though, whichever feels right for you. I'll be hoping as hard as I can that this FET gives you the baby you deserve!

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  3. Yay for the Bloody Monster doing what she's meant to! I really hope this FET works for you - will be crossing everything and praying hard.

    I'm with you on telling everyone. I don't think I ever told a cashier at Sainsbury's when we did IVF #1, but I did tell the trainer at my gym and all sorts of other random people. I was so excited and so sure it would work...

    Second time round, we told hardly anybody - but with people who are close to us, saying "We had another go and it didn't work out" was possibly harder than telling them we were trying in the first place, so I think you have the right balance this time. Although, of course, you won't have to tell them what we had to tell our family and friends, because for you this time, I'm really hoping it WILL work out!!

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  4. Beautiful...just beautiful. HUGS

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  5. I'm excited for you to get back into the saddle...err..stirrups. Glad you are able to do the FET au natural. That would be easier on the body I think. We haven't tell anyone but my parents about our FET, and really hardly anyone else knew about the fresh cycle. I'm way too private to share that much--despite having a blog in the INTERNET. LOL!

    Good luck to you my friend!

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  6. It's such a tough decision, tell, don't tell. I think you are handling everything like a champ.

    Wishing you much success with the upcoming FET!!!

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  7. I love your bloody monster picture :)

    I think it is so hard to know if you should tell people or not. Good luck with the au natural FET cycle...!

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  8. I can never not tell people. I do think the support you get when you tell people wins. Best of luck for the cycle!

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  9. Good luck with your cycle. I just had an early m/c myself, and it's nice to see others who have shared the experience and who are eager to try again, too. Makes me feel like I'm not crazy.

    I will be watching this next high-wire act with great anticipation :)

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  10. It's so hard to know how to handle things in the way that's best for you, since everyone is different. I'm sure some people love all the support they get from everyone they tell (even the mailman!), and others realize that maybe it's better to keep it to themselves, but you never really know which group you fall in until you try both. Hopefully you won't have to worry about who to tell or not to tell for much longer! Good luck!

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  11. Hi! I found your blog through ICLW.

    First, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad your body is cooperating after your m/c. I hate not knowing how things are going to behave after.

    Isn't it so tough to keep something in that's so exciting? You'll make the decision that's best for you. I hope that you get your sticky bean soon.

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  12. So looking forward to you sharing your next FET experience and hoping and praying for a beautiful BFP for you!! We too struggled with balancing sharing after our first m/c. We had been so open the first time and told EVERYONE and the untelling though hard, helped us deal as you said. The second time we were a little more reserved, but after that m/c the third time we've been much quieter about things. Good luck in whatever you and Diver Dude decide to share. Always know we here are eager to share in your joy when you're ready to share!! :)

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  13. Sweets, I'm glad your bod is working - I have yet to get my first p after mc... Starting to get very antsy and it is showing in my general mood and demeanor. Is slipping into a SADs spell.
    I know you'll do it this time! And I promise to keep you in check! :)
    In regards to sharing info, you will know what to do when the time comes!

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  14. You know 2010 is it for us girl. We havent told anyone besides the internet this time. My dad knows as he reads my blog, but thats it. Just think in a few months we can both share our good news. xoxoxoxoxoxox

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  15. It's just soo cool tha that let you do a netural FET, I'm so so certain the drugs I took for the FET didn't agree with me at all, I wasn't feeling great on them and it didn't work out. If you are bording your little penguin in February we'll be cycle buddies! Love, Fran

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  16. I think that a natural FET sounds great! Though I haven't gone through a m/c, being open about our journey and then having to tell people every month that we got a BFN can be difficult. We have also made the decision to continue to be open about everything. *hugs*

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  17. Hi and happy ICLW!

    We didn't tell many people about IVF#1 and when it was negative it made it easier to move on to the next step (fibroid removal surgery). I did tell people about that and while the support has been amazing, I don't think we'll be sharing about IVF#2 if it comes to that.

    All the best with your natural FET!

    http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

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  18. My heart goes out to you. For me there was such a heavy feeling after a m/c and most of my friends and family didn't quite understand why I didn't want to talk about it. From there I learned to only share things with my immediate family and usually not until I was over certain hurdles.

    Happy ICLW :)

    http://moniquerenae.com/blog

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  19. I love your phrase "Talk to me. Hug me. Spank me. Whatever, just comment." Very funny.
    I think you are so brave to share your story with people outside of the internet. I can see how it would help with the healing but it would scare me to death.
    I hope your FET cycle is successful.
    ICLW

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  20. Haha, that bloody monster picture is amazing!
    As for the telling (or not), I think different things work for different people, and you should asolutely do what works best for you!

    ICLW

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  21. Hmm to tell or not to tell it's a tough one.

    I hope all goes well with your FET cycle and will be keeping everything crossed for you!

    You just found yourself a new reader!

    ICLW
    Rach
    www.thegalwho.wordpress.com

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  22. We always went with the philosophy that we could use all the prayers we could get. That said, we would pick a date (ie, day or two days post beta) and tell people that if it was good news, they would hear something by then. If they didn't hear anything, than we needed to be left alone and didn't want to talk about it. Given that for us it didn't ever work, this at least kept people from bothering me for awhile.

    It's a tough decision, either way. Good luck with the FET and I hope you have good news you want to shout from the rooftops!

    Happy ICLW!

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  23. Best of luck and so sorry for your loss.

    Christina
    The Subfertile Frugalista
    iclw

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  24. Sorry for your loss, and glad to hear you are recovering. When we did IVF, we didn't tell anyone except my two best friends, and I did feel really alone when I lost the babies. But, I was also glad not to have to explain it to everyone and their dog when I was too heartbroken to talk to anyone about it. I think it's important to have a support system in place while you're going through this, but I think you're making the right choice in keeping the circle smaller this time. Good luck this cycle--I hope going au natural is much easier on you!

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  25. I'm very interested to hear how the natural FET cycle goes. For whatever reason, that option was never given to me, and now I wonder...

    We ended up doing several cycles without telling anyone but parents and siblings, and it makes it alot easier. I am an open book, but it was too much pressure and stress to constantly give updates on how I was feeling or how many follicles I had.

    Best wishes on this cycle and I will follow along with hope for you.

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  26. I tell everyone everything and I definitely wish we had some more privacy sometimes (especially when my mom calls and says "Get your period?") but I find it as therapy to talk about it. Good luck with your FET..I wish you all the best!

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  27. Found your blog from ICLW. I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I hope this natural FET goes MUCH better for you. Good luck!

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  28. I'm sorry for your loss... I know what you mean about thinking you should keep it quiet. We thought that way too, but when both of our losses happened, I was thankful to have people around who loved us and knew. I can't imagine going through what we did without our family and friends (altho, I know for next time I won't be telling strangers either).

    ICLW

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Talk to me. Hug me. Spank me. Whatever, just comment.