Christmas Travels

Bags are packed. Presents are wrapped. Pets are off to the neighbors. And passports are out on the kitchen table. We're ready to go. Tomorrow morning we'll leave this snow clad picturesque english country side to go to a cooler than normal big city in Florida. 

We're going to spend Christmas with Diver Dudes middle daughter J-girl and her family. It will be great to see them all and to spend some quality time with my two bonus-grandsons. I'm just not sure how I'll react when I see J-girls beautiful 8-month-pregnant belly. Hopefully I'll be just fine, but part of me fears that the emptiness of my own womb and our recent loss will hurt badly. I just have to remember to breathe and try to smile through the pain. I need to be strong for her. J-girls pregnancy wasn't planned and is very high-risk. She had complications after her youngest son was born two years ago and was told by her docs to not have more children. But she got pregnant on BCPs because of a stomach flu. She has kidney problems, there's been cysts on the baby and in her uterus, lots of bleeding, and she's been on and off bed rest throughout the pregnancy. Just last week she started having contractions and was told she would most likely have the baby before Christmas. It's a weird situation and a very modern family complication when bonus-mom and daughter were hoping to both be pregnant over the holidays. Unfortunately our hopes were short lived. Now all we can hope for is that J-girl stays pregnant and that the little guy continues to grow strong.

While we're in Florida we'll also spend time with Diver Dudes mom, brother, sister and nephews. All very special people and I'm sure we'll have some good stories with us going home.

Last night me and Diver Dude had our own little Christmas and opened presents by the fire place. Pressies, saffron buns with milk and Rudolf the Red Nosed Raindeer. It was great. The best part was when Diver Dude opened the model train I got him, his face lit up with childish joy and he dove down on the floor to put it together. Got me lots of brownie points in spite the fact that I broke our rule of no gifts to each other this year. Our combined Christmas-Anniversary-My-35th-Diver-Dudes-50th-super-duper-awesome-present happens to be a trip to Jamaica in January. But I couldn't help myself. And I'm kind of bad at following rules. Muahahahahahaaa.

Before I leave I just wanted to wish you all a Merry ChristKwanzHanukKalikiJul and Happy Holidays!

Surprise!

Yesterday I turned 35 years old. It was a very unusual birthday in many ways. First of all because I'm pregnant. Second because I'm exhausted from all the heavy bleeding and worrying. And third because I got to spend it surrounded by people I love. 

You see, my whole family had flown in to surprise me and showed up on my doorstep the other day. Do I need to say I cried my eyes out when I opened the door and saw Mamma, Pappa, Sister, Mr. Sister and Nephew standing behind D who had snuck out to get them at the airport. And it wasn't the pretty, happy kind of tears but rather the snot-flying-barely-breathing-sobbing-loudly not so pretty kind. It was just so wonderful to see them and I'm quite frankly an emotional wreck right now.

So my birthday started with the famdamily waking me up with breakfast in bed, a traditional swedish happy birthday song and a small mountain of presents. Among them was a very special present from D that I've had on my wish list for a long time now... one of these:

Happy-happy-joy-joy! I promise I'll post pictures as soon as I figure this baby out.

Later that day we all went to the zoo which we pretty much had to ourselves. I was rolled around in a wheel chair next to my nephew in his stroller. We went exploring, had wild races and made obnoxiously loud animal noises.

For dinner we went to my favorite local restaurant and ate way too much yummy foods and when we came home we stuffed our faces with birthday cake. 

Do I need to say it was a wonderful day? Did I mention I have the most awesome family? I just felt surrounded by love and could not have wished for anything more. Except... when I blew out the candles on the cake I closed my eyes and wished for the acrobat to hang on, grow and join us strong and healthy in nine months.

Still in limbo

If miraculously everything turns out alright with the acrobat in spite of all the bleeding, I'm five weeks pregnant today. 5w, 21dpo or 16dp5dt if I've got the whole counting system correct. I'm going to write down everything about the bleeding and all my symptoms because I've been desperately googling for more information during all this and maybe this post will eventually help someone in a future similar situation. Those of you who are faint hearted should probably stop reading here.

 

Oct 7 - Start stims day two of natural cycle

Oct 20 - Egg retrieval and TESA, 8 mature eggs retrieved, 5 successfully fertilized with ICSI - start vaginal progesterone suppositories - boobies start getting sore almost instantly

Oct 25 - Embryo transfer, 1 blastocyst transferred, 3 blastocysts frozen

Oct 26 - An hour flight from Sweden to England

Oct 27 - A pulling, tugging sensation in the baby department all day off and on

Oct 28 - First nose bleed ever and start falling asleep on the couch by 8 pm

Oct 30 - Light brown spotting after walk

Oct 31- Nov 1 - Spotting continues and gets a little heavier

Nov 1 - Get disgusted by crayfish that I normally LOVE

Nov 2 - Spotting starts to look like a light period, this is the day my period would have arrived in normal cycle (full moon)

Nov 3 - 4 - Bleeding increases and turns redder

Nov 5 - BFP!?!?! Red bleeding continues to increase

Nov 6 - 7 - Bleeding gets BRIGHT red and I pass small stringy clots. Start to get attacks of nausea and/or hunger 

Nov 8 - Find an old HPT in a drawer and take the test at night after drinking lots of water and peeing like a race horse... Get this:

Change insertion of progesterone suppositories from vaginal to anal in hopes to stop the bleeding, thinking they're irritating my cervix.

Nov 9 - Worst day of bleeding yet, like a full on period in a crimson red color. Go see doctor to take Beta HCG test.

Nov 10 - Bleeding seems to slow down, pass a few clots the size of a quarter (common during my regular period). I've felt nauseous all day, had hunger attacks and boobies are still sore. I've have had NO pain what so ever and that's weird... I normally have light-moderate period pains since they removed the polyp in February, before that severe pain... so you'd think if this was a miscarriage I'd be in pain... but what do I know.

I'm waiting to get the results from my Beta. I've called a gazillion times already and pestered them but each time they tell me the results aren't in yet and to call back in two hours. Now the damned clinic is closed for the day! SIGH! 

I'm slowly going crazy here and I really need to know what's going on with my body. If it is a miscarriage I need to have it confirmed so I can grieve and move on. If the numbers are within range (135-1690 mIU/ml for 20dpo)... well... I guess... I can worry a little longer... and keep wishing, hoping, praying that the numbers double for next tests, the acrobat hangs on tight, I stop bleeding and that this will all have a happy ending. 

Always look on the bright side of life.

Today has been a day filled with whirlwind emotions. How are you supposed to feel when you find out that you're not having your period but are in fact pregnant after years of trying, but that you might be having a miscarriage at this very moment? 

After getting the unexpected plus this morning I called Nurse Inga who was happy to hear about the pregnancy but concerned about the bleeding. She asked a bunch of questions and I answered by giving her dates, PMS-colors, pad sizes and pain status. She told me there was nothing I could do right now other than hang tight and see what happens. It could be a miscarriage but it could just as well be nothing to worry about. If I'm still bleeding next week she asked me to go to my GP and ask to have an HCG blood test and call with the result. If the bleeding stops I should schedule an ultrasound for Nov 26th. She then asked me if I had gotten the paperwork about the frosties. - Frosty, I said, we only had one, and no we haven't gotten it. -Actually, she said, the two slow ones caught up and you ended up with three nice blastocysts for the freezer. 

So, I can be happy about the fact that I'm pregnant and that I have three beautiful snow babies in the freezer or I can be devastated that I might be having a miscarriage. Or I can be both. It's like skipping around next to a ravine. Like singing a happy tune in room full of tigers. Like being barefoot and pregnant on a kitchen floor full of glass shards. 

I'm so confused.

This morning I got up when D's alarm went off at o'gawd early to pee on a stick. I was expecting a confirmation of my fears. I had imagined a day of crying and a night of serious cabernating. I had written a list of questions to ask Nurse Inga today about why this cycle failed and what we could do differently next time.

Instead... as me and D stand with our heads together staring at the little window to show us a minus..... we get this:

HOLY CRAP, I'm pregnant! I have no words. I'm flabbergasted! And now I'm even more puzzled/worried/freaking out about the spotting/bleeding...  I'm so confused!!

25 random things about me

1. I'm really swedish, not just "my-family-came-to-america-in-the-early-1900's-and-I-don't-speak-the-language-swedish", but born-and-raised swedish.

2. I'm also american. The naturalized kind that came-to-the-country-in-the-early-2000-and-speaks-the-language-with-an-accent.

3. My heart has many homes and I'm constantly homesick. 

4. I live in a house in England that used to be a barn. Horses used to live here.

5. I'm deathly afraid of horses. 

6. I'm a passionate feminist who swore to never get married. 

7. Every day I fall deeper in love with my husband. (Breaking the vow of non-marriage is the best decision I ever made)

8. I'm a domestic disaster turned temporary housewife.

9. My mom never let me help around the kitchen as a child and I'm learning how to cook in my mid-30's with the help of Jamie Oliver and Rachel Ray. 

10. Cleaning house, getting up early, and bad weather makes me grumpy. There should be laws against these things.

11. I wanted to be an opera singer and a ballet dancer when I was a little girl. -Hah!

12. I would do my job for free. And have. Too many times.

13. I'm really skinny. I'm just wearing a fat suit and can remove it at any time.

14. I smoked 20 cigarettes a day, every day, for 15+ years. Now I don't.

15. Fake boobs scare me. Men who love fake boobs scare me more. 

16. Cancer, tics, fleas and mites creep me out. I've had all four. 

17. I've discovered the irony in spending my entire youth trying not to get pregnant.

18. I'd choose texting or mailing over talking on the phone any day. But if given the choice I'd rather see people in person than text or mail.

19. Every time I try to organize my office I end up in a pile of old letters, photos, books, ticket stubs, and artwork. It's very time consuming and the finished product is always less organized than the original.

20. I have 3 bonus daughters and 2 bonus grandsons that I wish I knew better and lived closer to.

21. You can't choose your family but if you could I would choose mine.

22. I love my pets too much. But they don't seem to mind.

23. I always give people one more chance than they deserve. 

24. In spite of being spiritual I don't really care for any religion and think they too often defeat their purpose and that God/Allah/Zhu/Bhagavan/Yahweh is too big to fit in any box. 

25. I'm about to embark on one of the biggest adventures of my life. I'm joining the IVF circus.