Friday 23 April 2010

On the couch again

We had a session with Lady Merlin again last night. I know she's a professional therapist and all, but man is she good at reading people!

She pointed out that the way we handle conflicts actually triggers a bigger conflict between us. Diver Dude raises his voice, gets mad and attacks while I shut down, cry a lot and starts defending myself. His anger makes me cry more and my tears make him scream louder. Awesome.

She told me to breathe (again... and seriously if I wasn't actually breathing I would die, but whatever), plant my feet firmly on the ground and center myself. And instead of bottling up emotions and only talk about them once I have collected an ocean of pain and hurt and is already upset, to simply say "I need to tell you that..." and then leave the room. That way Diver Dude will know my thoughts before they grow into something big and bad and I don't have to worry about starting a conflict.

She talked about Diver Dude's two contrasting worlds. His professional world where a hard exterior and tough attitude is not only encouraged but necessary and his personal world that is filled with smart, opinionated, emotional women. How he needs to leave the military way of dealing with problems at the door when he's with his family.

This past week has been pretty good, we've laughed a lot and things have felt almost normal. Until Wednesday night when Diver Dude was browsing sports cars online (his kind of internet porn) and wanted me to look at this Audi-something-something. Over the past year I've looked at so many different sports cars I've lost track and been somewhat amused at his dreaming but this time something snapped. I told him it was selfish to want to buy another "toy" for that much money and that he should consider the fact that he'd be making that a priority over things we could enjoy together. Insert growling, yelling and a few swear words and it made for a pretty bad night.

Lady Merlin immediately pointed out a possible reason for my sudden snappish behavior. She asked why I didn't think Diver Dude deserved to dream about a big boys toy. Did it have anything to do with him taking away my dream of becoming a mother? Diver Dude looked like a 1000W bulb went on over his head and squeezed my hand. All I could do was nod.

Again she asked Diver Dude to go back to the place where he felt he wanted a second chance at becoming a father and describe those feelings. Once again I felt a small flutter of hope.

Maybe, just maybe, things will be just fine.

24 comments:

  1. It sounds like you're making progress! I've thought that DH and I could benefit from counseling (hell, I think everyone could), but if I bring it up, the whole money issue comes into play again...

    www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com

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  2. It sounds like some good progress! Perhaps that light bulb moment for Diver Dude will really help him understand and work through this with you to find your way to a family together. - Tkeys

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  3. Wow - this therapist sounds amazing. I'm so happy for you both that you are going. Of course you think he doesn't deserve that silly car! I love how he had the lightbulb moment. It sounds like you guys are making some great progress - moving forward. Keep it up!

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  4. Sorry about the fight but it sounds like this is the right therapist for you both and she will be able to help you both fix this.
    I'm glad to hear you making progress and having a good week with Diver Dude.

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  5. I love Lady Merlin!! I'm so happy you feel hope again, I also am very hopeful you'll find a middle ground with a toy car for him and one for your baby!

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  6. Your therapist is awesome (trust me I know what I am talking about, in the real world I am a therapist). Keep working at it (and breathing of course).

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  7. What an awesome therapist!!! So glad you found her. I hope in due time that you get the baby and Diver Dude gets the car. Hugs

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  8. And that's why you guys are paying her the big bucks...to help you figure each other out. Glad to hear things are progessng. I hope you have a great weekend!!

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  9. I'm so glad that he had a light bulb moment!! I was hoping something would click! She sounds so awesome!! Keep breathing and do what she says. I hope you have a great weekend chickie!! Hugs!

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  10. Oh, hon...it sounds like you two are making progress! I am so glad you found someone who is helping you two through these difficult times. Hugs.

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  11. Thanks for sharing your progress with us. Lot's of lightbulbs going off in Circus-land, huh?

    Keep up the excellent work.

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  12. Wow, she is good. It's so true about the two faces of military men. There just isn't any room for emotions there. I too am definitely the contrast of this for my hubby. {hugs} to you.

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  13. Lady Merlin sounds fantastic - I'm so pleased she's helping you both to make progress and understand each other (and yourselves) better xx

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  14. I am loving this counsellor woman, sounds like she is really benefitting the both of you!!

    Good on you for being so courageous and strong to ask for help when you need it!!

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  15. You know, my therapist said about the same thing to me only I had problems explaining my feelings and thoughts to my ex especially when upset! But that's exactly what it took to even voice my concerns.
    I have spent a little while catching up on your blog entries and I can only say: Good for you!!!
    It sure hurts when your therapist nails your "stuff" to the "board"!

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  16. Your therapist sounds awesome! I wish I could find one. All of the ones I have been to are just the listening type who seem to have nothing to say.

    Good news on the flutters of hope!

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  17. She sounds wonderful!!! Glad you're making progress!

    ICLW
    http://daega99-arewethereyet.blogspot.com/

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  18. I like flutters of hope. Hang on to it and never let go.

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  19. Hey here from ICLW. Your therapist sounds like she is really amazing. I am so glad she is giving you guys these insights so that you can continue to communicate. Hoping that things keep improving for you!!
    Take care

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  20. Diggin the progress. Keep it up :)

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  21. Just wanted to say I am glad things are moving along for you. And bravo for asking for help!!

    Thanks also for commenting on my blog, have been a subscriber for a while now and so looking forward to helping you through!

    xoxo

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  22. I wanted to give you a huge hug for progress *hug* and another one for being so open about your marriage on your blog. It sounds like you're both working so hard to make this work, and I'm sending you all the best wishes and hoping it does. Keep it up - progress begets progress.

    ~Miriam (ICLW #158) Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed

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  23. Thank you for sharing your progress. I'm about to start individual counseling to deal with the fertility issues and upcoming deployment. Hope my therapist is a good as yours :)

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  24. Boy, could I relate to your description of how differently you & your husband deal with things. Mine is not in the military, but he works for a stock brokerage, dealing with egotistical brokers all day long who like to yell at him to show off how important they are. :p Me, I have trouble expressing myself verbally -- I get all choked up & frustrated & tend to just start crying, which annoys him to no end.

    Sounds like you have a great therapist!!

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