Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Hopes for today

Today I applied for a job.  When I sent in the CV tears was dripping down my keyboard. 

When we moved to England a year and a half ago our mutual plan was to "focus on having a family". The plan was for me to stay home and take time to start fertility treatments in Sweden and for Diver Dude to work, make lots of money and start his second career. 

Today I don't know what the plan is. All I know is that Diver Dude and I don't share the same hopes and dreams anymore. 

I'm so filled with sadness I don't even know where to turn, how to begin, or what to end. I miss my husband. I miss the child we lost before we could hold it. I miss the happy, naive person I used to be.

Today my littlest bonus-grandson is having major surgery to correct his craniosynostosis. 

I'm afraid to hope for anything good. It seems like lately when I wish or hope for something, things turn out going in the complete opposite direction.

Please let today turn out the best way possible.


  1. Oh, CP, I'm so sorry these are such dark days for you and your husband. I've been thinking of you lately. If there is one thing I've learned in the last 14 years of marriage, is that there will be *worse* (for better or for) times that will test you to your core. You just have to fight your way through it with everything you have.

    I hope the surgery goes well. Take care.

  2. I'm so sorry honey.

    I'm praying that the surgery goes well...
    and that your diver dude has a change of heart.

    Have you spoken to him anymore about this?

    Again, you have my email if you just want to chat...or write out a long list of swear words...

    Sending you all of my love.


  3. I think I can imagine (a little bit) what you must be feeling. It is a nightmare scenario for all IFers: to have our hopes and dreams for a baby taken away not by a doctor, or by our uncooperative bodies, but by our own partner. I am thinking of you, and I am hoping it gets better for you somehow.

  4. oh my, I can feel the sadness in these words. I am just
    so sorry. I wish I knew something terribly clever to say to
    make it all better, but I'm at a loss for words. I am
    thinking of you and your bonus-grandson today!

  5. You have been heavy in my thoughts.
    I have high hopes for you and your husband; may you both find a place to meet and love each other deeply again.

    I am thinking of you and your bonus grandson today.

  6. I hope that you and Diver Dude can get to a better place, and soon.

    I'm thinking of your bonus grandson...I know several people who have been through this surgery for their children (and we are still waiting to hear if we can definitely avoid surgery for my son's craniosynostosis, too). The first few days of recovery are the toughest, but I have faith he will be great! Perhaps this will be the first good news of much to follow. - Tkeys

  7. Oh girl, i am so so so sad for you. Just know that things WILL get better, they will. Its a hard time now, and i know you feel so sad, but know that we are all here for you, love you and are ready to listen and talk anytime my friend. Take care of yourself and prayers for your bonus grandson are being said now, and as always for both you and diver. xoxoxoxoxoxox

  8. Oh honey I'm so so so sorry!! I have been thinking of you and diver dude. I can't imagine what it feels like but I am praying and hoping that things will get better. How is the counseling going? I hope they can help shed some light on your feelings for your hubby to see how much this is hurting you!! Sending you lots and lots of ((((HUGS)))

  9. So very sorry :(


  10. Oh my dear, I'm so sorry. Sending warm thoughts and hopes in your direction. Hugs.

  11. there are tears here for you (((hugs)))

  12. I am so sorry you are having such a torrid time at the moment - I have been thinking about you and hoping every day that DD has a change of heart.

    I am sending you positive thoughts and love.

  13. Oooohhh, that was so brave to actually send your CV! I have only been thinking that I should.. and then let the tears stop me. I wouldn't know how to handle more rejection right now I'm afraid.
    Hope bonus will not only be burden.


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