Taking a step back

Our counselor lady is a wizard. In fact, that's what I'll call her, Lady Merlin. She waved her magic wand around and, poof, the giant pink elephant was transformed into a little pink ant.

It wasn't quite that simple. There were a lot of tears. A little snot. A huge amount of guilt. And a lot of fears that were brought out in the open.

She asked me to take a step back and allow myself to breathe. To allow Diver Dude some space to breathe. She asked me to not see myself as a victim but to allow myself to grieve. When I explained my desperate fight with time and the fear of missing my chance of becoming a mother she simply said: If in a year you feel the same there are clinics in London that will take care of that for you. In the meantime, if you want a shot at making your marriage work, you need to regroup and refocus.

She asked Diver Dude to tell her what the man who went in for a vasectomy reversal felt 3 years ago. What his hopes and dreams were. She asked him about the "armor" he protects his heart with. And she asked him to not take advise from anyone but himself.

She told us that situations like ours certainly may lead to a break but that if we're both strong, brave and honest we have a chance. She said the fact that we came to her indicates our will to make it work and that it's obvious we love each other very much. She also said she sees that we pay a lot of attention to each other but that most of that attention is negative. Ouch.

We'll see her again next week together but we're also going to see her as individuals the following week. Until then we'll do our homework like good little students and do these exercises every night at dinner:

Toast of Appreciation - Lift your glass and say "one of the things I appreciate about you is..."  This exercise might make us pass out on our plates if done the way she suggested, with wine, but we'll be drunk and appreciative damn it.

What I'd Like - Start sentences with "What I'd like a little more of is... ", "What I'd like a little less of is..." and "What I'd like to stay the same is..."

I'll take a step back and try to ground myself.
And I will practice to breathe. In and out. With a steady rhythm. And to let my selected color spread throughout my entire body with every breath.

There's a tiny speck of hope.