- Sweetie, I can't do this anymore.
His words hit me with the force of a hurricane. I looked into his eyes in search of a sign that he was joking. It was April Fool's after all. No such sign.
Diver Dude is telling me he can't take any more fertility treatments. The baby quest is over for him. He's telling me he's changed his mind. He can't continue with the three IVFs we originally decided to do. He's saying he's not willing to risk his existing family to start another. He's letting me know how deep Party Girl's words have dug the knife in his chest. He quotes her when he says he's not worth a second chance as a father.
I find myself falling. My head is spinning. I'm angry and I feel cheated. I feel like my life as I know it has been stolen from me. I'm in the middle of a night mare. Somebody please wake me up.
Calling a family counsellor today.
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Oh, no. I am just so, so sorry. My husband and I had a similar discussion after IVF #2, so I can imagine how deeply you are hurting. I hope that the two of you are able to work through the issues-whatever they might be-and you are able to continue on toward your dream.
ReplyDeletePlease know that I am sending you loads of love and hugs today and always.
OMG, what a disaster. Not worth a second chance? Says who? Is she (PG) also advising she herself should never have been born or what?! Sorry for steaming some Anger here, but geez, that is so hurtful.
ReplyDeleteI guess everyone has their breakdowns now and then, but do not make it into a nuclear chain reaction, destroying other people too. So please Diver Dude, it's OK to cry, to feel like it's all so hard (I know it is) and after that we pick up the pieces and fight for another chance!
Yes, get the cousellor to do some pinching.
Good luck, and loads of hugs till then.
oh honey.
ReplyDeleteI'm so fucking sorry.
You must be hurting a great deal right now, please know that you have so much love and support here...
My email address is on my blog if you need to vent...you are always welcome.
I hope that something good comes from this and that you get into a counsellor ASAP...
Sending you all my love...
xx
Oh my dear I am so, so sorry. I feel so much for you as my own other half called a halt for us last night. I wish I had the words to express how very sorry I am.
ReplyDeleteI hope that it isn't true, that councelling helps and that Diver Dude changes his mind.
My thoughts are with you.
hey, I'm here, I'm listening. Whatever happens next, I wish both of you love, love and more love. For it takes love to see the two of you through this. I've been through the end decision of trying to have a baby, too. -different circumstances but still the same.
ReplyDeleteYou and diver dude need to make this decision together and he has some hard selling to do, if he is serious about it. Make sure he knows it's both of you, and the other shoe of that is, it is him, too, for you to wrap your arms around him and respect your wishes.
I'm sorry. I wish you more strength and peace in the time to come.
love
xxoo
I'm so sorry. I hope counselling will help & I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteOh CP, my heart is aching for you right now. I can't imagine the feelings that must be swimming around in your head. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope a counselor will be able to help you and DH get on the same page.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you. Please take care.
Oh nooo, listen give him some time, i know it because I say those same words every time after a failed cycle and then I'm going again. You have great chances of getting pregnant, you were pregnant already plus a possible chemical the second time. I'm thinking of you lots, I would not give up yet. Much love, Fran
ReplyDeleteThere just aren't adequate words. I'm sorry, just so, so sorry that you are dealing with this now. Infertility is so unfair, and it takes such an emotional toll on us. Not fair at all.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I had a similar situation with my husband (though it was me who called a halt to our TTC efforts, and I didn't do so in the best way...). And then, when I was suddenly ready to renew our efforts, he wasn't on board, and it was a real struggle for us. Ultimately, through time and lots and lots and lots of discussion (and honestly, some serious shoving on my part), we found ourselves in the same place.
I really hope that you and Diver Dude are able to work through this and come to a place of peace with this intense situation. It's not fair, but hopefully, you will both come out of this stronger and closer than ever before.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. A counselor is definitely in order. Diver Dude is scared, and sees all that you are both going through, and wants to make it better. He doesn't know how to fix it other than stopping the treatments. I really hope you both can talk through this and come to an understanding. Thinking of you!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. My DH felt like it was too much to ask me to keep going through cycles as well. I hope you can both get on the same page and DD understands that kids say hurtful things sometimes when they are upset, even grown up kids. ((HUGS)) to you both.
ReplyDeleteYuck.
ReplyDeleteThat really sucks.
I'm glad that you seeking counseling immediately.
Thinking of you.
I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you and DD have some good discussions about this in the near future. I can't image how much this has shocked and hurt you. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I hope you're able to find some help with the counselor. You two sound like an amazing couple, and I hope you find a way to see through this.
ReplyDeleteCP, I think after the emotional upheaval of this last cycle, he's probably a little overwhelmed. It's so hard to go through this. Talking to someone is a great idea as is some time, sometimes a break can help. I hope you work through this with him as you shouldn't have to stop until you feel ready too. Loves.
ReplyDeleteI'm right with jenicini -- it sounds like the FET was tremendously emotionally wrenching, and you both are grieving in your own ways. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by calling a counselor; I hope that the counselor, and time, help resolve this. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh man girl. This is tough. I second all the things the wondeful bloggers said above. I really hope that Diver Dude said that in anger and scared-ness and just let him work things out. You too, counseling is an amazing idea. You have my email and I yours, sending you tons of hugs and positive vibes my circus princess, don't give up yet.... xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, and I agree with the other commenters. My DH did the same sort of thing after our IVF #2 - he had been so sure IVF #1 would work, he couldn't entertain the possibility of anything beyond that, and all the conversations I thought we'd had about it had just been hypothetical for him, because he didn't think it was anything we'd ever need to think about. Once he got over the shock of IVF #2 failing, he was able to start thinking and listening again, and eventually we got back on the same page again.
ReplyDeleteGive DD time - dealing with the problems with PG at the same time as all this devastation just adds another complication to the mix, and something else he has to work through. If you agreed on three attempts, he needs a serious reason for going back on your agreement - but if in his heart of hearts he didn't believe that two or three attempts would be necessary, it'll take him a while to get his head round it.
I hope you manage to work this out between you soon, and in the meantime, I wish I could give you a huge hug and take some of the pain away, because I know exactly how painful it feels when the rug is pulled from under your feet like that. xx
WTF - I can't believe he can succumb to emotional blackmail like this, what is worse I can't believe how PartyGirl can say such things! How can a person be so selfish and not think what consequences hurtful words will have on others.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry, sweetie! You know where to find me if you need me! I know you are going into crisis mode now and allow yourself to feel the hurt, don't suppress it!
On the other hand, look at it this way, if he changed his mind once, he can change it again!
Love you, sweetie!
Oh no! Oh.... I'm so sorry. Could it just be a mood? Could he change his mind? DH says things like that sometimes but then moves on and I know he's not serious.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Circus Princess :( ((hugs))
Oh Honey! I am so sorry. That is so rough when one of you wants something the other doesn't. I am hoping that he comes around or that the counsellor can bring you guys to a happy medium. HUGE HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I hope that this is a knee-jerk reaction to the degree of loss that he's feeling, and I hope and pray that with time, thought, and a bit more distance from the loss and the failed cycle, he will come around again. Thinking of you. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry CC. I know this must have been a sucker punch especially since you had discussed and agreed upon 3 IVFs. I think Diver Dude is telling you, in his own way, that he needs a break. I can't imagine he would be unfair enough to make the decision for both of you to stop. Calling a family counselor is the best thing you could do. I really, really hope that you can both get on the same page, with a little help.
ReplyDeleteWhat a heart wrenching post! I'll be praying that your hubby had a moment of fear and that his heart changes soon! Very big hugs!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry - hang in there. I think that you and Diver Dude can work through this...it sounds like he is just hurt and afraid right now. You are right to reach out to a counselor - with a little help, I think he'll understand how much this means to you and he'll regain his confidence in his parenting abilities, too. I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I'm thinking of you. Keep those lines of communication open - and you will get through this. - Tkeys
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteOh wow I am so sorry. I really hope he just needs some time to really think this over and see how much this means to you.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Oh no. I hope the conselling goes really well and you can move past this together on the same page.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteI said a little prayer for you just now...and I can't imagine the hurt. I found you on LFCA.
ReplyDeleteHere from LFCA. I just wanted to say I am sorry. My husband said the same thing after our failed first cycle...and I wish we had seen a counselor then. Instead I pushed and pushed...and we moved forward with a FET. It worked, and now that I am due in one month he has told me he doesn't know if we should be married anymore. We are getting ready to start counselling now.
ReplyDeleteI don't regret pushing, but I wish I had called a counselor then. It's true I risked the family I had for this new family we're about to begin.......no regrets though.
Thinking of you as I have been there and it is the most difficult and painful (not to mention lonely) thing being on different sides of the fence on such an all-consuming issue.
I am so sorry you are going through this, but very glad that you are going to see somebody to talk about it. It is so hard when you are on different pages. The same thing happens with me and my DH about moving on to adoption or donor egg. It is the worst feeling.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
That's a slapper. Sorry honey, but give him some time. Perhaps he'll review his feelings in a while and give it another go? Shit, wish I knew the right words to say.
ReplyDelete(LFCA)
xxx
Here from LFCA. I'm sorry. I agree that seeing a counsellor is a good step -- even better if it's someone who is familiar with IF issues & the stress they put on a marriage. I hope it helps!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry. I pray that your road ahead becomes clear and your marriage is stronger for it
ReplyDeleteI'm here from LFCA to say "nightmare" sure fits the bill. I'm terrified my husband will make this announcement to me one day, and I count so much on his support. Every time we have to have a discussion, I'm filled with anxiety, and I know it's because of this very scenario. I'm desperately hoping that his feelings are somehow a reaction to all the disappointment and stress, and that...not exactly that you can talk him around, but that it will turn out to not be so real. Anyways, deep sympathy from this stranger.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I've done 4 "last" IVFs (as in "This will be our last try."), so for whatever it's worth, minds can change (my mind was only committed to 2 of those 4 being "last," and that commitment was obviously temporary -- but my DH would have happily never done IVF if the decision had been his alone). Good luck finding your way as a couple back to the same page and moving forward with whatever path(s) you choose. Counseling sounds like a great step.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. It sounds like Diver Dude is aching for his recent loss, too ... it's likely less that he can't do it any more, and more that he needs to regain confidence in himself again. I hope the counselor can help ... and in the meantime, there are lots and lots of *hug*s.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, I hope that with some time and perspective, he comes back around again. Counseling really helped me and my hubs deal with the horrorshow of IF, and I am so wishing the best for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm here via LFCA. I'm so so sorry. I am someone who looks for future potential hurdles everywhere. I'm always trying to forsee what the next 'problem' will be and I have to tell you, I never even contemplated this scenario, I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is to have the one person you assume wants this as much as you do a 180 degree turn on you. I hope the others are right and that he just needs some time to get his head around it all, Men certainly process these things differently and at a different speed to us so I hope and pray that he'll come around given some time. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteHuh? What? Oh, poor DD. He must feel so powerless to make you my happy, to provide you with what you want so badly. I hope counseling will bring better understanding of his point of view and yours and that together you will come to a conclusion that works for both of you. Remember, there's a lot of love here.
ReplyDelete