Staying buzy

I just moved half a ton of dirt. With a tiny shovel and a wheel barrow. Therapeutic? I'm not sure. But all I can think about right now is the lower part of my back. So that's good. Kind of. I also have a very pretty back yard with freshly planted beautiful flowers. And that's good.

I'll just lay on my stretcher looking out at my lovely garden. Sipping some ice tea. Wait, there's nobody here to make me ice tea. Hello? Anybody there?

On the couch again

We had a session with Lady Merlin again last night. I know she's a professional therapist and all, but man is she good at reading people!

She pointed out that the way we handle conflicts actually triggers a bigger conflict between us. Diver Dude raises his voice, gets mad and attacks while I shut down, cry a lot and starts defending myself. His anger makes me cry more and my tears make him scream louder. Awesome.

She told me to breathe (again... and seriously if I wasn't actually breathing I would die, but whatever), plant my feet firmly on the ground and center myself. And instead of bottling up emotions and only talk about them once I have collected an ocean of pain and hurt and is already upset, to simply say "I need to tell you that..." and then leave the room. That way Diver Dude will know my thoughts before they grow into something big and bad and I don't have to worry about starting a conflict.

She talked about Diver Dude's two contrasting worlds. His professional world where a hard exterior and tough attitude is not only encouraged but necessary and his personal world that is filled with smart, opinionated, emotional women. How he needs to leave the military way of dealing with problems at the door when he's with his family.

This past week has been pretty good, we've laughed a lot and things have felt almost normal. Until Wednesday night when Diver Dude was browsing sports cars online (his kind of internet porn) and wanted me to look at this Audi-something-something. Over the past year I've looked at so many different sports cars I've lost track and been somewhat amused at his dreaming but this time something snapped. I told him it was selfish to want to buy another "toy" for that much money and that he should consider the fact that he'd be making that a priority over things we could enjoy together. Insert growling, yelling and a few swear words and it made for a pretty bad night.

Lady Merlin immediately pointed out a possible reason for my sudden snappish behavior. She asked why I didn't think Diver Dude deserved to dream about a big boys toy. Did it have anything to do with him taking away my dream of becoming a mother? Diver Dude looked like a 1000W bulb went on over his head and squeezed my hand. All I could do was nod.

Again she asked Diver Dude to go back to the place where he felt he wanted a second chance at becoming a father and describe those feelings. Once again I felt a small flutter of hope.

Maybe, just maybe, things will be just fine.

Doing our homework

One of the things I appreciate about you is:
Diver Dude:
- You are so creative. You make even a small weekday dinner a special occasion just by making the table and lighting candles. (yup, I have skills)
-  The way you're always honest, supportive and loyal. I truly feel like you're my best friend. (seriously, that's the sweetest things ever)
Me:
- You sing along out loud (and out of tune) to songs you love. Even in a crowded bar. Or a public library.
- How you deal with Mother and your siblings and how you make sure you stay in each others lives in spite of having had a far from perfect childhood and complicated relationships.

What I'd like a little more of is:
DD:
- Physical activity. Doing something together. Like playing golf. (or taking dance lessons?)
- Head. (seriously?)
Me:
- Compliments.
- Team work (this was after we had spent 3 hours building flower boxes and him constantly needing whatever tool I was currently using. Le sigh.)

What I'd like a little less of is:
DD:
- Clothes in other places than the closet. (do door knobs, floor surface or chairs count as closets?)
Me:
- No's when I suggest something. Like dinner and a movie. (and having a baby!!)

What I'd like to stay the same is:
DD: 
- Our sex life! (didn't he just say he wanted more oral pleasure?)
- That you close the toilet lid after flushing (I've managed to change my bad habit of not closing the lid after almost 7 years of pleading. Yes, I'm worse than a man. And I'm a slow learner.)
Me:
- Yes on the sex life!
- Ummm... (decisions about family building we made three years ago!!)

OK, so I didn't mention the b-word or anything about three letter procedures all weekend but I had to bite my tongue constantly. I'm working hard at giving him space and trying to remember to breathe.
I do feel like we've made some progress and we were actually able to relax and share a few heartfelt laughs this weekend.

And Little Man Chevy came home from the hospital Saturday and is recovering nicely.

There's hope in the world.

Ink therapy

collage, crayon, acrylic, ink, photoshop