Thank you

For your overwhelming response to my last post "An impossible choice". Most of your comments were kind and supportive with wishes of peace. Some offered new angles to look at the problem, some shared  life stories of similar choices made, and some thought it necessary to defend Diver Dude's right to his dream of a childless future. Some angry, some sad, some seemingly based on that post alone with insufficient background knowledge, but all good. All wonderful. All valid.

I wrote my last post from a place of disappointment and a feeling of entrapment. Of course the choices entail more possibilities than described, and naturally I have no idea what the future holds. None of us do, right? This blog is also a place where I try to sort out my thoughts. The good and the bad. The positive and negative. The sane and the crazy.

Tamsen pointed out in her comment that Diver Dude is willing to give up our relationship to not have more children - he has already made his impossible choice.
And he didn't pick me.
It hurts more than I can explain.
But he made his choice when in a hurt and vulnerable state. I have a hard time accepting that this is what he really wants and not just a reaction to a different kind of pain that stems from guilt over not being more involved in his daughters lives. His choice was not to follow a dream of living child free, but to give up on the dream of having a second chance. A shared dream we had in fact worked towards for almost three years.

Another reason why I have a hard time accepting Diver Dudes choice is the agreement we made when moving to England. He was to pursue a new career and I was to "focus on having a baby". We knew that there would be medical involvement, we knew it was going to take a lot of time and money, and in order to be able to have treatment in Sweden I would not be able to take a job. Economically it made complete sense. We also agreed before starting any treatment that we would do three rounds of IVF, and if it hadn't worked by then, that would be it. We did one round.
One pregnancy.
One miscarriage.
One possible chemical.
One hell of a circus and more emotional pain than any of us were prepared for.

Regardless of what choices I'm forced to make in the near future, I've promised myself (and Lady Merlin) not to make them in a state of sadness, hurt or anger. For now, I'm making other life changes. I'm looking for work, researching art schools and getting the rest of my life in order and shifting focus. It's not been healthy for me to have a future child as my sole purpose. It's exhausting to work towards a goal that is so elusive. I need to define myself in independent terms again.

And while I'm taking one day at a time, I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

An impossible choice

I had a beautiful post filled with hope already written in my mind about the story of Pinocchio and how Diver Dude picked one out for me in a quaint wood shop in Rome. But events have taken a different turn since Wednesday night.

The past few weeks seemed to be moving in the right direction. We talked, laughed, made love and truly connected the way we used to before this circus started. I felt stronger and more confident than I have in a very long time. Our weekend in Italy was icing on the cake. One perfect night in a small bar in Rome,  Diver Dude took my hand to the sound of the italian version of Bob Dylan, looked me in the eyes, and said: "You know sweetie I think we'll get through this, and even though I'm not ready to commit to having a child yet, I really want you to know..." I stopped him with a kiss and asked him to please not say anything before he was ready. And in my heart hope started spreading its wings.

Wednesday night after a single session with Lady Merlin, Diver Dude came home in an agitated state of mind. I turned the TV off and asked him what happened. He told me how hard this all is for him and how much he loves me, but that if he's being true to himself he does not want any more children. That he can't. He may have thought for a moment he could, but he can't. The flutter of hopeful wings grew quiet and instead I felt dark sadness pour back into my heart.

If he has made this final choice and is willing to take the consequences for it, he leaves me with an impossible choice to make. 

I could stay with Diver Dude knowing that we will never have children. I will never be a mother. He won't be the father of my children, simply a father to his. I stay with a man I'm madly in love with knowing that it denies me the chance of ever having a family. I'll be with the man I love. Some people search their whole life for true love. I'll have that. But he's a lot older than I am and if nature takes it's course I will be a fairly young widow. I will be alone.

Or.

I could leave the man I love in an effort to have a child and pursue donor sperm IUI. If it's successful I'd be a single mother to a child I wish had a father like Diver Dude. Is it fair to let a child shoulder the burden of his mother leaving the man that should've been his/her dad just to get a chance to become his/her mother? It seems wrong on so many levels. 

If it's not successful I'll live my life childless and without Diver Dude. Regardless of the outcome, and possibly in a different way, I will still be alone.

I may find somebody else to love and maybe even have children with, but I truly believe that love like ours come around but once in a lifetime. 

It is an impossible choice to make. No matter what choice I make, I'm afraid I'll end up resenting myself once it's too late. No matter how I look at it I don't know what to do. 

I'm not a fool. I know that even if Diver Dude against all odds decides to give IVF another go, we might not be successful. I may stlll end up childless. But at least we'd give it a fair chance and that's a risk I'm willing to take. It's the risk I agreed to when I married a man that had had a vasectomy.

For now, I pray for a miracle. I pray for guidance. 

And I will get down on my knees.

The beach in Sweden where I grew up. 

Photo taken the day I found out our last blast didn't survive the thaw.

I hope you dance

I'm allowed. Allowed to long for a child, and to want to become a mother. Allowed to dream of a family of my own, and to hope that this family will start with Diver Dude and me.


I'm not allowed to label myself the victim and Diver Dude the bad guy. If I do, Diver Dude may, friends and family might, and most likely it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. You see, if you're wearing brown socks but everyone around you keeps telling you they're blue, soon you'll start to question weather your socks are really brown. I am not a victim and Diver Dude is not a bad guy.

If I say these things out loud, it makes me feel stronger. It makes it hard to feel sorry for myself.


I'm working on centering myself and focusing on who I am. Somehow along the way in our marriage I started leaning, and a couple of months ago I actually tumbled over. Unfortunately the same holds true for Diver Dude, and in spite of our best intentions, instead of helping each other get back on our feet in a balanced way, we keep pushing each other over.


So I'll just pick myself up and wait for him to do the same. When he does I'll be here to greet him with strong open arms. I'd like to think of it as asking him to dance. An invitation from one individual to another to move together as one. It may take some work to make it flow and toes may be stepped on occasionally, but when we dance it'll all be worth it.

I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

Lee Ann Womack - I hope you dance

Back in England

Pheuw! What a whirlwind the past week has been. The warm kind of wind that you don't mind being in at all. I have so many stories to tell and no time to do it right now, but I'll make sure to sit down some time early next year to write. The trip across the Atlantic is a chapter of it's own, including an emergency landing in New Foundland and a spiritual  aha-moment for me, I'll make sure to tell you all about it later. 

It's been wonderful to spend Christmas with J-girl, Snorkel Kid, Froggy-boy and Sta-Bas. I loved seeing Diver Dudes eyes lit up when we first walked in the door and he was attacked by Froggy-boy with a big hug closely followed by Sta-Bas yelling "E-paaaa, E-paaaa!!" (StaBas is two and that's how grandpa is pronounced.) The week's been filled with frogs, insects and other creepy crawlies that Froggy-boy captured and showed us (he's seven, going on forty and a future biologist/zookeeper/snake-tamer), Star Wars toys in all thinkable sizes and shapes (Sta-Bas is obsessed, hence the name {Sta-Bas = Star Wars in Sta-Bas language}), doctors visits, contractions and wild baby moves with J-girl + bump and lots of dive related discussions between Diver Dude and Snorkel Kid (who is following in Diver Dudes footsteps as a Navy Diver), some chillaxing by the pool and a whole lot of wii sports. 

We also got to spend time with Diver Dudes MOTHER, Spoiled Brat (youngest brother), Hippie-Jew (step-dad), Marie Antoinette (sister, and that's her real name!!) and her two boys Billy-Bob and The Professor. Oh boy, do I have some good stories, they are one crazy family! 

Anyway, I better get back to preparing for the party tonight and taming the laundry monster, I really just wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year! May 2010 be the year when all our dreams come true.

Christmas Travels

Bags are packed. Presents are wrapped. Pets are off to the neighbors. And passports are out on the kitchen table. We're ready to go. Tomorrow morning we'll leave this snow clad picturesque english country side to go to a cooler than normal big city in Florida. 

We're going to spend Christmas with Diver Dudes middle daughter J-girl and her family. It will be great to see them all and to spend some quality time with my two bonus-grandsons. I'm just not sure how I'll react when I see J-girls beautiful 8-month-pregnant belly. Hopefully I'll be just fine, but part of me fears that the emptiness of my own womb and our recent loss will hurt badly. I just have to remember to breathe and try to smile through the pain. I need to be strong for her. J-girls pregnancy wasn't planned and is very high-risk. She had complications after her youngest son was born two years ago and was told by her docs to not have more children. But she got pregnant on BCPs because of a stomach flu. She has kidney problems, there's been cysts on the baby and in her uterus, lots of bleeding, and she's been on and off bed rest throughout the pregnancy. Just last week she started having contractions and was told she would most likely have the baby before Christmas. It's a weird situation and a very modern family complication when bonus-mom and daughter were hoping to both be pregnant over the holidays. Unfortunately our hopes were short lived. Now all we can hope for is that J-girl stays pregnant and that the little guy continues to grow strong.

While we're in Florida we'll also spend time with Diver Dudes mom, brother, sister and nephews. All very special people and I'm sure we'll have some good stories with us going home.

Last night me and Diver Dude had our own little Christmas and opened presents by the fire place. Pressies, saffron buns with milk and Rudolf the Red Nosed Raindeer. It was great. The best part was when Diver Dude opened the model train I got him, his face lit up with childish joy and he dove down on the floor to put it together. Got me lots of brownie points in spite the fact that I broke our rule of no gifts to each other this year. Our combined Christmas-Anniversary-My-35th-Diver-Dudes-50th-super-duper-awesome-present happens to be a trip to Jamaica in January. But I couldn't help myself. And I'm kind of bad at following rules. Muahahahahahaaa.

Before I leave I just wanted to wish you all a Merry ChristKwanzHanukKalikiJul and Happy Holidays!

My Sister

I have the best sister in the world. We are less than two years apart and have been best friends since the day she was born. Even though at times we've been thousands of miles and oceans apart we've always been very close. We are also lucky enough to be married to men who have become best friends over the years.

When D and I started trying for a baby in the summer of 2007, my Sis' and her Mr. decided to throw out their birth control too. Two months later she calls to tell me I'm going to be an Auntie. I cry with happiness and we both talk about the possibility of us being pregnant at the same time (these were the hopeful early days of TTC). Months go by and for every picture she sends me of her growing belly it's more obvious how flat and empty mine is. When she's 9 months pregnant I finally get to see her in person and feel the miracle of a little person kicking from the inside. June 11, 2008 my Nephew is born. He's the most perfect little thing I've ever seen and I fall deeply in love with this little man. That same week my younger cousin who has a 1-year old son discovers she's pregnant again. I get this achy feeling in my chest and have a hard time knowing how to deal with the unexpected baby news. Suddenly my family is literally exploding with new life and my arms are blatantly empty.

My Farmor (paternal grandmother) is the matriarch of our family and the only living grandparent. She's ninety six, brutally honest and not very diplomatic. Shortly after Nephew is born, me, Mamma and Sis' visit her to introduce the latest addition to the clan. Farmor is happy to see us and thrilled to meet her new great grandson. She tells my sister how great she looks and then takes one look at me and asks me if I've gained a little weight (here we are, my sister with a somewhat pregnant looking belly 2 weeks after delivery and me looking my normal self). I brush it off and change conversations back to ooh and aah's about Nephew, drink my coffee and eat one cookie less than intended. Later when Sis' and Mamma are in the kitchen, Farmor looks from baby Nephew to me and asks: - Have you found out what's wrong with you yet? Are you going to end up with a test tube baby? 

I quickly pick my jaw up off the floor and flee to the restroom with tears welling up my eyes and I'm for once thankful that Farmor is not very mobile. The rest of the visit I'm quiet and not another word is uttered on the issue. But in the car on the way home all of it comes gushing out, all the tears, all my fear of not getting pregnant, all of which Farmor's words have brought to the surface. My wonderful Sister stops the car and for the first time I get to talk about what's going on, our struggles and hurdles. Mamma and Sis' listen with open hearts, give me lots of big hugs, and tell me everything is going to be alright. 

From that day our infertility is all in the open, nothing is too embarrassing to talk about and even D's "cup dates" are discussed over dinner. Being out of the "IF closet" is such a relief and takes a lot of the pressure off.

Last time we were in Sweden visiting my family was a big milestone for me and D. We met with the RE for the first time, decided on a treatment plan, and got an arsenal of medication. I visited Farmor at the hospital (she broke her leg again) and told her about our plans to "try and make a test tube baby". She wished us luck and actually apologized for being "a little blunt" about the issue. Although her words hurt so much at the time I can't help but think that a lot of good has come from it.

Over dinner one night Sis' and her Mr. told us that they are going to start trying for baby number two. Maybe this time we'll get to experience pregnancy together.

Stars that may or may not have joined the circus.

Allow me to speculate... A lot of stars nowadays have kids late. I can totally understand why, they were, you know, busy starring in various blockbusters, walking down a million red carpets, and simply being fabulous. But I can't help but wonder how their personal life looked when time came to start a family. Did they go through years of trying, worrying and hoping for a miracle? Did they too resort to joining the IVF circus when all else failed? I'm inclined to think so... My question then is: Why are they not talking about it publicly? Stars share all kinds of trouble they've gone through in their lives, failing marriages, trips to rehab etc. so why not infertility? We could sure use some famous role models here at the circus... Anyway, here's my list of "Did they or didn't they?":

Angela Bassett (twins at 47)

Beverly D'Angelo (twins at 49)

Carcelle Beauvais-Nilon (twins at 41)

Geena Davis (twins at 48)

Halle Berry (first child at 41)

Helena Bonham Carter (first child at 41)

Holly Hunter (twins at 47)

Jane Seymour (twins at 45) 

J-Lo (twins at the age of 38)

Julia Roberts (twins at 36)

Lisa Marie Presley (twins at 40)

Marcia Cross (twins at 44)

Nicole Kidman (new mom at 40 having adopted in previous marriage)

What do you think?

Years of trying

Thought I'd put together a little list of what we've gone through to get here. I'm listing the tests and medical procedures we've had done but I need to mention some of the psychological trials as well. My wish to start a family actually began soon after we got married. D however thought he was way past that part of his life after having 3 girls followed by a vasectomy. Hope is a weird thing, for over 3 years I was secretly hoping for a miracle, that somehow one of his "swimmers" would find a way past the cut parts and get me pregnant. Surprisingly that didn't happen... All the while I kept talking to D about the possibility of him having a reversal. I reminded him of what he had told me on our first date sitting under the stars on his front porch talking about regrets in our life: "-The only regret I have is never having a son". I asked him to reconsider starting a family with me and getting a second chance of having a son. And that's when our journey really started.

May 22, 2007 – D has a vasectomy reversal at Madigan Army Hospital 

May 24, 2007 – I have my first normal pap result in many years (history of abnormal paps after cervical cancer in 2001 treated with cone biopsy)

In June I start tracking my cycle, checking my temp, going through ovulation kits, testing mucus, you name it. We begin trying for a baby and have lots of fun practicing :) I try to increase our chances by taking robotussin and folic acid. Even stop drinking alcohol 2 last weeks of every cycle.

August, 2007 – I start spotting between periods, OBGYN tells me it's nothing to worry about and that it's considered a good fertility sign. Also experience extremely painful periods.

October 22, 2007 – I'm 3 days late. I'm never late and we both get excited! Pee on 2 sticks, both negative and the morning after the bloody monster arrives.

January, 2008 – I have a bunch of hormone tests taken, all come back normal... doesn't explain spotting or infertility.

March 6, 2008 – D has a "date with a cup" at Providence

March 11, 2008 – Results from sperm test is low count, low motility and abnormal morphology. Not good.

October 6, 2008 – Get a different doc at annual and tell her about my spotting and our infertility. Finally somebody listens and she gets me a referral to an ultrasound. 

October 9, 2008 – I have an ultrasound at Pacific, WA. Technician tells me I'll get some answers about our infertility from the results??

And then we move from Washington to England and everything medical is put on hold for a few months while we try to get all the other parts of our life sorted out...

February 2, 2009 – Repeat ultrasound at RAF Lakenheath, England. Polyp/cyst found in uterus.

February 9, 2009 – Hysteroscopy evaluation by Dr. Crawford, find uterine polyp. PAINFUL.

February 23, 2009 – Hysteroscopy, Dr. Crawford removes a 1.5cm uterine polyp under general anesthesia .

March 11, 2009 – Meet Dr. Ruch at RAF Lakenheath who takes the time to look over my medical history and decides to get me all the required referrals for a fertility work-up

April, 2009 – Do all the hormonal labs AGAIN. Still normal.

June 4, 2009 – Hysterosalpingogram (tounge twister). Balloon inflates twice and catheter is expelled but they're able to see that the left tubes are open. Can't handle the pain for them to insert catheter, refill balloon and inject fluid a third time so right tubes are still a mystery...

August 7, 2009 – D has another date with a cup - shows less than 2 million but isn't specific

August 21, 2009 – Meet with Dr. Wood at the Fertility centre in Gothenburg, Sweden. D meet his beloved "cup" again and we find out that his reversal has somehow reversed and that there is no sperm at all present. Talk about IVF with ICSI and sperm aspiration and decide that it's the right thing for us. Dr. Wood tells us we have a 35-40% chance of pregnancy per treatment. Sounds pretty fantastic considering the circumstances. 

I'm not talking about the cost of any of these tests, operations or consults but I'm sure you know it's quite steep. And that of course adds to the already high levels of stress. But we've come this far even if the road here has stretched across oceans and have been far from straight. In October we take another huge step on this journey when we join the IVF circus. Let's keep our fingers and toes crossed that we'll finally be able to start our family.

25 random things about me

1. I'm really swedish, not just "my-family-came-to-america-in-the-early-1900's-and-I-don't-speak-the-language-swedish", but born-and-raised swedish.

2. I'm also american. The naturalized kind that came-to-the-country-in-the-early-2000-and-speaks-the-language-with-an-accent.

3. My heart has many homes and I'm constantly homesick. 

4. I live in a house in England that used to be a barn. Horses used to live here.

5. I'm deathly afraid of horses. 

6. I'm a passionate feminist who swore to never get married. 

7. Every day I fall deeper in love with my husband. (Breaking the vow of non-marriage is the best decision I ever made)

8. I'm a domestic disaster turned temporary housewife.

9. My mom never let me help around the kitchen as a child and I'm learning how to cook in my mid-30's with the help of Jamie Oliver and Rachel Ray. 

10. Cleaning house, getting up early, and bad weather makes me grumpy. There should be laws against these things.

11. I wanted to be an opera singer and a ballet dancer when I was a little girl. -Hah!

12. I would do my job for free. And have. Too many times.

13. I'm really skinny. I'm just wearing a fat suit and can remove it at any time.

14. I smoked 20 cigarettes a day, every day, for 15+ years. Now I don't.

15. Fake boobs scare me. Men who love fake boobs scare me more. 

16. Cancer, tics, fleas and mites creep me out. I've had all four. 

17. I've discovered the irony in spending my entire youth trying not to get pregnant.

18. I'd choose texting or mailing over talking on the phone any day. But if given the choice I'd rather see people in person than text or mail.

19. Every time I try to organize my office I end up in a pile of old letters, photos, books, ticket stubs, and artwork. It's very time consuming and the finished product is always less organized than the original.

20. I have 3 bonus daughters and 2 bonus grandsons that I wish I knew better and lived closer to.

21. You can't choose your family but if you could I would choose mine.

22. I love my pets too much. But they don't seem to mind.

23. I always give people one more chance than they deserve. 

24. In spite of being spiritual I don't really care for any religion and think they too often defeat their purpose and that God/Allah/Zhu/Bhagavan/Yahweh is too big to fit in any box. 

25. I'm about to embark on one of the biggest adventures of my life. I'm joining the IVF circus.