Monday, 7 June 2010

Thank you

For your overwhelming response to my last post "An impossible choice". Most of your comments were kind and supportive with wishes of peace. Some offered new angles to look at the problem, some shared  life stories of similar choices made, and some thought it necessary to defend Diver Dude's right to his dream of a childless future. Some angry, some sad, some seemingly based on that post alone with insufficient background knowledge, but all good. All wonderful. All valid.

I wrote my last post from a place of disappointment and a feeling of entrapment. Of course the choices entail more possibilities than described, and naturally I have no idea what the future holds. None of us do, right? This blog is also a place where I try to sort out my thoughts. The good and the bad. The positive and negative. The sane and the crazy.

Tamsen pointed out in her comment that Diver Dude is willing to give up our relationship to not have more children - he has already made his impossible choice.
And he didn't pick me.
It hurts more than I can explain.
But he made his choice when in a hurt and vulnerable state. I have a hard time accepting that this is what he really wants and not just a reaction to a different kind of pain that stems from guilt over not being more involved in his daughters lives. His choice was not to follow a dream of living child free, but to give up on the dream of having a second chance. A shared dream we had in fact worked towards for almost three years.

Another reason why I have a hard time accepting Diver Dudes choice is the agreement we made when moving to England. He was to pursue a new career and I was to "focus on having a baby". We knew that there would be medical involvement, we knew it was going to take a lot of time and money, and in order to be able to have treatment in Sweden I would not be able to take a job. Economically it made complete sense. We also agreed before starting any treatment that we would do three rounds of IVF, and if it hadn't worked by then, that would be it. We did one round.
One pregnancy.
One miscarriage.
One possible chemical.
One hell of a circus and more emotional pain than any of us were prepared for.

Regardless of what choices I'm forced to make in the near future, I've promised myself (and Lady Merlin) not to make them in a state of sadness, hurt or anger. For now, I'm making other life changes. I'm looking for work, researching art schools and getting the rest of my life in order and shifting focus. It's not been healthy for me to have a future child as my sole purpose. It's exhausting to work towards a goal that is so elusive. I need to define myself in independent terms again.

And while I'm taking one day at a time, I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.


  1. I wanted to say that I'm sorry if my last comment on your previous post came across as harsh or mean or angry because it wasn't typed in that way but I've been where you are now, Guvnor has been where Diver Dude is now and I wanted to provide a different view than the seemingly rest of the commentators were.

    "For now, I'm making other life changes. I'm looking for work, researching art schools and getting the rest of my life in order and shifting focus. It's not been healthy for me to have a future child as my sole purpose. It's exhausting to work towards a goal that is so elusive. I need to define myself in independent terms again."

    I couldn't have given you better advice than this if I tried....shifting your focus will do wonders for's a step I'm in the process of making.

    I hope tomorrow brings you a sense of peace...


  2. I so understand where your anger and hurt are coming from. You had an agreement and made decisions based on that agreement. Now the agreement isn't there. And whether or not to have children isn't something that can easily be compromised upon. There really is no in-between.

    I think gaining independence in terms of how you define yourself will help immensely. I try to never let things define me--i.e. my job, my husband, material things etc--but infertility has started to define me in more ways than I'd like to admit. I'm trying to move away from that and move forward. It hasn't been easy, but it has helped me get some of myself back.

    I've been thinking of you and praying for you. Take care.

  3. I can't begin to tell you how Amazing I think you are...we write that a lot to each other, but I really mean are amazing. In a place where I would hide, under the covers, eating chips and crying about the unfairness of all of this, for both you and Diver Dude.
    And yet, you are, stronger, beautiful inside and out and willing to WORK for what you love. Not hiding, not crying (Much) and not giving up the dreams.

    I am soooo glad I found your blog and you, you make me look inside and be grateful...for lots of things...including you.

    I'm thinking of you and here if you need me.

  4. I read & responded to your last post before finding this one. I think refocusing on yourself for awhile is a smart move.

    Your story has faint echoes of my own -- my husband & I also agreed to three rounds of IUIs with injectables -- and yes, it was quite a circus & quite a lot more than we had bargained for. I was still willing to consider IVF afterward; he was not, & after I took a break (which our infertility counsellor recommended to us), I knew that, much as I wanted a child, I could not face the stress of more treatments. It's been a long road, adjusting to a childfree life, and we are both sad that we do not have the family we dreamed of, but we've got each other, & that's a lot (to quote that great philosopher, Bon Jovi, lol).

    I wish you the best.

  5. CP you are my hero! You are what I need to strive more to be like. I think that what your doing is a beautiful idea. I truly think that sometimes we get so wrapped up in the whole infertility cloak that we forget that there other coats in our closet: Our passions, our loves, our work, we have some many more things in our lives that define us. But everything gets shrouded by that damn infertility cloak. Good Luck Chickie!! We are all here with you thru this journey. With lots of Love and Hugs!

  6. Hi again - not sure what to say, but I want to acknowledge what you wrote. I hope you're right and obviously what people feel they can handle changes with circumstances. Argh - I'm sorry if I added to your distress instead of helping, which was my intent. It sounds like you are dealing with this situation better than I ever could. Best wishes to you.

  7. I think trying to have other things to focus on is always a good thing. But. The desire to have a child, to try everything you can to succeed is not an insane dream. It's in our DNA it cannot just be cancelled. I truly hope Driver Dude will come round sooner rather than later. Much love, Fran

  8. Wishing you lots of luck sorting through things and figuring out what you want from life. Still sending *hugs*!

  9. I'm sorry your having to think about this. I think looking into schools/jobs you might enjoy is a great idea.

  10. I feel for you so much. I don't have any advice because I think the only decision you can make is what your heart is telling you. I don't think these problems can be solved in our heads.

  11. Looking at his initial desire to have a second chance, I can see why this is so heartbreaking. Changing the plan of three IVFs midstream is also another kicker. The toll of TTC is enormous on so many levels. I'm glad that you are taking a step to round out your life again as that can do nothing but good things. You are a strong woman. Keep making the decisions that you know are right for you.

  12. Sending you hugs and all kinds of goodies!
    You know where to find me if you need to chat away a moment or two!
    You are sooo wise and level headed - you make me proud to call you my friend!

  13. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had some words of wisdom or a way to take away your pain.


  14. Hugs my dear friend, you are wiser and stronger and smarter than you know. xoxoxoxo

  15. And I hope tomorrow is a better day.

  16. Sorry to be jumping in so late. I just now got a chance to catch up...

    I am so sorry that you are being put in a situation where you have to make sure tough decisions. And through it, you have managed to write some very powerful entries and taken some beautiful (and hopeful) pictures.

    I do hope that in your quest of finding a new direction, that you are pleasantly surprised by Diver Dude and he saves you from this situation by realizing that having a child with you is also his dream.


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