Friday 16 April 2010

Taking a step back

Our counselor lady is a wizard. In fact, that's what I'll call her, Lady Merlin. She waved her magic wand around and, poof, the giant pink elephant was transformed into a little pink ant.

It wasn't quite that simple. There were a lot of tears. A little snot. A huge amount of guilt. And a lot of fears that were brought out in the open.

She asked me to take a step back and allow myself to breathe. To allow Diver Dude some space to breathe. She asked me to not see myself as a victim but to allow myself to grieve. When I explained my desperate fight with time and the fear of missing my chance of becoming a mother she simply said: If in a year you feel the same there are clinics in London that will take care of that for you. In the meantime, if you want a shot at making your marriage work, you need to regroup and refocus.

She asked Diver Dude to tell her what the man who went in for a vasectomy reversal felt 3 years ago. What his hopes and dreams were. She asked him about the "armor" he protects his heart with. And she asked him to not take advise from anyone but himself.

She told us that situations like ours certainly may lead to a break but that if we're both strong, brave and honest we have a chance. She said the fact that we came to her indicates our will to make it work and that it's obvious we love each other very much. She also said she sees that we pay a lot of attention to each other but that most of that attention is negative. Ouch.

We'll see her again next week together but we're also going to see her as individuals the following week. Until then we'll do our homework like good little students and do these exercises every night at dinner:

Toast of Appreciation - Lift your glass and say "one of the things I appreciate about you is..."  This exercise might make us pass out on our plates if done the way she suggested, with wine, but we'll be drunk and appreciative damn it.

What I'd Like - Start sentences with "What I'd like a little more of is... ", "What I'd like a little less of is..." and "What I'd like to stay the same is..."

I'll take a step back and try to ground myself.
And I will practice to breathe. In and out. With a steady rhythm. And to let my selected color spread throughout my entire body with every breath.

There's a tiny speck of hope.

21 comments:

  1. Oh that is fantastic news! Sounds like you have found a really lovely counsellor and that she has helped you out - it is good to see you on a positive track!!

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  2. big hug to you on your road to health and happiness. I'm proud of you that you face your fears and problems face on and don't turn away. Kudos! ...and in my opinion the number one essential to get through this and out on the other side and happy and healthy and at peace. Life, hey, nobody knew it could get this hard.

    much love to you

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  3. Brave brave Princess that you are. Grieving and bending negatives to positives will take mountains of energy. And letting go of the victim: so hard! but worth it. The question is not if 'it is fair', the question is how we handle it....

    Can I say that even when you are snotty you are sweet?

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  4. That is a huge step. A definite step in the right direction. I like Lady Merlin already and know that she will able to give you the tools to help get things back on track. I am so happy you guys are doing this as we need you back to the happy go-lukcy Circus Princess that we all know and love. But we love you snotty and perhaps drunk too girl. XOXOXOXO

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  5. This is a great step forward my friend, I'm confident you will work this out. Much love, Fran

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  6. I'm so glad you and your DH are moving in the right direction. I really hope she'll be able to help you two work things out. My thoughts are with you.

    Take care.

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  7. I'm so happy you've found your wizard-fairy-magician woman! The tears and snot and whatnot aren't necessarily fun, but they can lead to catharsis, which seems like what you all need at this point. It sounds like your plan to toast one another is a lovely way to end up slightly schnockered!

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  8. I came from Mel's Friday roundup (to read one of your previous posts) & had to follow forward. Sounds like you found a good one in Lady Merlin. : ) I know it's soooo hard to step back when you hear that bioclock ticking louder & louder, but it's worth taking a breather if it helps you & DD get back on the same page again (whatever that page winds up saying). (((hugs)))

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  9. I'm so glad to hear that Lady Merlin is helping. I'm so happy that she is giving you both things to work on and that you each will be seeing her privatly. I know that you will both work through this! I have faith in you and your love for each other. Just keep doing your homework. We all love you and are thinking of you both!! Good Luck Sweetie!!!

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  10. So glad you were able to find someone who could help you and DD reconnect in a positive way!! Good luck and I hope you're both able to heal and regroup through this process. :)

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  11. For real, you should tell us weekly what the counselor suggests...we can all use this! ;)

    Glad things are looking hopeful...also, how was the wine?

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  12. I'm so happy you found someone that understands, and it sounds like she is a very wise woman. I really hope you can use this experience to connect even more. Thinking of you!!!

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  13. Love the sound of Lady Merlin. And here's to that tiny spark of hope glowing stronger and stronger.

    And thank you so much for your supportive comments on my blog.

    Hugs.

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  14. Sounds like you had a great 1st appt and that you're on board to do whatever it takes to get through this. Proud of you!!!

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  15. It sounds like a successful appointment...and I am SO glad you are making progress. I think stepping back to grieve and heal as a couple is a good thing. - Tkeys

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  16. Wow... I'm so glad you feel hopeful after your session. It sounds like you found a good counselor. Your "homework" sounds productive!

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  17. I have discovered, from years, and years (and years)of therapy that the first session is always the hardest. It's a lot of emotions and rawness coming out all at once and it is very difficult.

    But it sounds like you have found someone amazing who can help you two through this little blip - and that is all it is, a blip. She was right about one thing: if you are there, you must love each other. In the end, I always believe that love can prevail. Good luck!

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  18. Such wonderful news! I'm so glad you've found hope and someone that listens, understands, and can assist you.

    Lots of love!!!

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  19. Lady Merlin sounds wonderful, and I'm so glad you've found that little spark of hope - I hope it grows into a roaring flame soon xxx

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  20. Sounds like she is a good counselor. I'm glad you both are doing a little better and getting what you need from her.

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  21. Hey CC I just stopped by to say hi and good for you for working it out hun!

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