Tuesday, 30 March 2010

The phone call

On our way to Gothenburg my phone rings. I stop breathing. I know before I answer that it's bad news.
Dr. Jaws voice greets me on the other end of the line: "Circus Princess, I'm so very sorry to have to tell you this but our embryologists have been studying your thawed blast for the past hour and unfortunately it's not looking good. We have to cancel the transfer."
I feel like I've been kicked in the nuts. Or that's what I envision it feels like. Chock and pain and disbelief. I think I stayed on the phone and asked a few questions but cannot for the life of me remember any of it. As soon as I pressed the off button on my phone I started sobbing. I barely noticed Pappa turning the car around and Mamma stroking my head.

It's over before it even started. I'm lost. I'm scared. And struggle to see some light ahead.

I called Diver Dude as soon as I got home and all he said was "I'm so sorry, please come home".

Thank you for all your heartfelt support. It seems like this circus performance is over.

41 comments:

  1. I'm so deeply sorry... This heartache is feels bottomlessly unfair, and I hate it for you. Holding you in my thoughts, CP.

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  2. I'm so very sorry. This isn't fair at all. You deserve to be a mommy and I truly belive you will be. Some of us just have this crappy road to follow before we get there, unfortunately. I'm so sorry you went all the way to Sweden just to have to turn around. :( Take care of yourself, hon and get back to Divr Dude asap. {{{HUGS}}}

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  3. Nothing to say, just hugs for you.

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  4. Oh no! I'm so sorry. I know the despair you feel right now. The unfairness of it all. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel even a little bit better. You are in my thoughts though. I hope you can get back home soon.

    Take care.

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  5. NO!! I am so sorry. I know there is nothing that I can say to make things better but please know I am thinking of you and Diver Dude. ((HUGS))

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  6. Oh hun I am so so sorry. I know nothing I say is going to make it any easier, this roller coast sucks bigtime but know you are a strong woman!!

    Lots of hug to both of you.

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  7. Ugh! I have no words. I'm so, so sorry, Circus Princess :( Sending a billion *hugs* to you and Diver Dude.

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  8. oh sweetie, there are no words...I'm thinking of you. Fran

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  9. Oh no, this is devastating news!!! I am soooo sincerely sorry sweetie! I know the type of pain you are in right now and it's almost unbearable. Please hold onto your hubby and let yourself cry all you need. Big huge hugs.

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  10. There are no words. I'm so sorry.

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  11. Nooooooo!!!!
    I'm so so sorry :(

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  12. I am so sorry. I have no other words. I am so sorry.

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  13. Oh I am so sorry. That is awful and my heart goes out to you.

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  14. CRAP!!! Oh I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. The loss of this cycle and the embaby - I'm so sorry.

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  15. I'm crying for you...I'm in shock too. Know you are loved. So very loved.

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  16. Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. I am devastated, heartbroken for you. Wishing you peace. I'm just so very sorry you are going through this. So awful and so unfair.

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  17. I am so sorry for this news. ((hugs))

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  18. It's all so unfair, I'm so sorry.

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  19. Wow, I'm so sorry all our prayers were for naught. Please take extra care of yourself.

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  20. Ohh honey... I'm so very very sorry. Holding your hand through blog-world.

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  21. Oh my goodness honey I'm just catching up. I'm soo sorry to hear this. I'm sending you lots of (((Hugs))) You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  22. I am SO sorry to hear this. I've been following you for the last several months and was really hoping for some good news from this cycle. My thoughts are with you.

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  23. Sending you thoughts of love. I am so sorry this is happening.

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  24. oh f**** I'm so sorry I've been away and only read your last four posts now. It's so friggen hard to do this, and to be doing it away from Diver Dude. I'm so sorry and disappointed with you, for you. And angry at the universe.

    Sending you lots of healing vibes and hugs and love and strength to carry on

    xxx ines

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  25. So so sorry. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

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  26. I am so so sorry, how devastating! I wish I could say something to make it better. Know that you have a lot of people thinking about you!

    www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com

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  27. Sweetie, I am so, so sorry! Call if you need someone just to be there, to listen or whatever you need! I know you probably don't want to talk to anybody but Diver Dude right now!
    You know the best medicine is to get right back on the horse! You have now faced your fear and will only be stronger by it! I know you - you're a very strong person!

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  28. Not sure what words can make this better, but just know there are a lot of us praying and thinking of you both right now.

    Hang in there...

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  29. I'm so, so sorry - I was hoping and praying that this would be the one for you. I actually cried when I read your post, I'm so disappointed for you. I can't say anything to make you feel better, but I'm sending you all the warm thoughts, hugs and prayers that I can right now xx

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  30. Babydoll I am so sorry. My heart is with you.

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  31. Oh man girl.... sending you huge hugs and lots of positive energy. Nothing to say other than I am so deeply, deeply sorry that this didn't happen. My heart is with you... email anytime... xoxoxox

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  32. I'm so sorry that your cycle got cancelled! This whole process sucks! Huge comforting hugs!

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  33. Oh, no! I am so, so sorry about this. It just isn't fair. I am sending you loads of love and hugs.

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  34. I am so deeply disappointed for you. I have no words,there are no words.. this just sucks. Sending you hugs and hugs and more hugs!

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  35. Thinking of you and hoping you are well, as well as can be my friend. xoxoxoxo

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  36. I am so sorry. I have no words but my heart is hurting for you.

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