Healing

I've been in pain. An intense emotional pain. But also a physical very tangible sort of pain. 

Never before have I experienced a sadness that lives in the body, but grieving the loss of our acrobat has effected me in unexpected ways. I wasn't expecting to feel betrayed by my own body. I couldn't anticipate having these strong conflicting emotions of pregnancy and loss. How could I explain to D that a compliment regarding my new "voluptuous" figure felt like a kick in the stomach this week when just last week it had made me smile. How was it possible to feel devastated and relieved at the same time?

When we first got the news I experienced a tight squeeze around my heart and a firm pressure over my chest. The only thing that would temporarily relieve that feeling was to sob. Loudly. Over the next few days my entire body started to tense up and I felt like every muscle was an achy knot. Taking hot showers worked at first but soon that just wasn't enough. D volunteered to give me a full body massage and that made me cry uncontrollably but left me feeling better for hours. But the pain kept creeping back. A few days ago when my bleeding had finally tapered off to minor spotting D suggested making love to relieve the pain. At first it didn't sound very tempting. All I wanted to do was hibernate until everything was back to normal. So what we hadn't been intimate since the egg retrieval over five weeks ago? Had it really been five weeks? I let him talk me in to it. Reluctantly. 

Making love was like therapy and when I finally had an orgasm it felt like my body and mind exploded. Sorry about the bad romantic novel line here but seriously, although sex with D is always good, this was different. It felt as if all the pain and hurt left my body and I started shaking, crying and laughing all at once seconds after climaxing. Scared the heck out of D, he probably thought I had completely lost it. The day after I stopped bleeding completely and for the first time in a very long time I started feeling almost back to normal.

Today I went to have my hcg levels checked. I'm hoping that my body has taken care of this miscarriage on its own and that I won't need a d&c. I talked to Dr. Boss Lady at the fertility clinic in Sweden last week and told her what had happened. She was sad to hear about our loss but made sure to tell me that medically they consider this good news. She said it's nice to know you can get pregnant with yours and Ds embryo, and that what happened is most likely just bad luck and that out of our four nice blasts they happened to pick the one (statistically) with a chromosomal defect. She was very confident next time our chances of success would be even better. We talked about doing an unmedicated FET in February if my cycle is back to normal by then. I feel pretty good about that. It will give me time to heal. It will give me and D time to find each other again. We'll have a Christmas free from worry and we'll be able to toast in champagne for New Years and Ds birthday. And we'll have time to make a whole lot of love.

Making small movements

towards the surface. Finding it a little easier to breathe. Letting some peace and light back in my soul. Starting to look up and to the future. 

Physically I seem to be near the end of this nightmare. The bleeding seems to finally start tapering off. My boobs are almost back to normal size. My body is still tense and with residual pain, but I can sense a change for the better.

Just taking one day at the time.

Early Pregnancy Loss

I'm floating in a deep ocean of sadness. My body goes through the motions of normal daily routines but my mind is somewhere else. The sound that goes in through my ears is distorted and muted like under water. My chest feels too tight and I have to remind myself to breathe. I can see light at the surface but am too tired to swim towards it. 

Early Pregnancy Loss. That's what the brochure I was given by Dr. Swedish on Thursday is called. He must have given me the wrong one. I was six weeks and two days pregnant when I miscarried but getting pregnant took us two years and five months. Getting pregnant required a ton of hormones, doctors, embryologists, money and determination. Emotionally this was not an early pregnancy loss. This was the loss of a child we've longed for for years. This was the loss of the last of our innocence. 

The brochure talks about what to expect physically and emotionally after a pregnancy loss and ends with the words: "You can ovulate and become pregnant as soon as 2 weeks after an early miscarriage". I can't help but smile. A crooked smile with teary eyes. I wish it was that simple.

For all of you visiting from ICLW, welcome. I'm sorry you had to find me in such a dark place, normally I'm quite a happy girl. Sometimes even funny. Me and D struggle with male factor IF due to a much regretted vasectomy thirteen years ago and a failed reversal almost three years ago. We went through our first IVF with ICSI and TESA in October, miraculously got the much coveted BFP but lost our little acrobat last Thursday after weeks of drama. Right now I'm just trying to stay afloat. Hope to see you again when I get my head above the surface.

Time to say good bye

One hour after the nice nurse drew my blood we walked in to Dr. Swedish's office. 

One glance confirmed my fears. 

He said in a low voice: "I'm sorry Circus Princess, it's not good news". 

"Your hcg has dropped to 800". 

With a tiny sound my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. 

Deep down I knew it was coming. 

The bleeding that wouldn't stop. 

The lack of tender breasts when I woke up Monday morning. 

A sobering feeling of no longer being pregnant. 

But I wanted it so badly. 

My wish was so deep and my prayers so intense. 

I nurtured that speck of hope after seeing our impossible ultrasound on Sunday. 

Now I have to say good bye. 

Our acrobat is gone.

 

Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep.

Birthday trip to the zoo

Thought I'd share a few shots (taken with brand spankin' new toy) from my birthday visit to the zoo:

I tried to smuggle this little guy in to my purse...

This guy was a little too big to fit in my bag...

so I had to leave him at the zoo...

This last crazy critter actually lives in my house. Ladies (and gents) meet Kona-boy :)

I ♥ my new camera!

Visit Mel's Show & Tell to see what others are sharing today.

Surprise!

Yesterday I turned 35 years old. It was a very unusual birthday in many ways. First of all because I'm pregnant. Second because I'm exhausted from all the heavy bleeding and worrying. And third because I got to spend it surrounded by people I love. 

You see, my whole family had flown in to surprise me and showed up on my doorstep the other day. Do I need to say I cried my eyes out when I opened the door and saw Mamma, Pappa, Sister, Mr. Sister and Nephew standing behind D who had snuck out to get them at the airport. And it wasn't the pretty, happy kind of tears but rather the snot-flying-barely-breathing-sobbing-loudly not so pretty kind. It was just so wonderful to see them and I'm quite frankly an emotional wreck right now.

So my birthday started with the famdamily waking me up with breakfast in bed, a traditional swedish happy birthday song and a small mountain of presents. Among them was a very special present from D that I've had on my wish list for a long time now... one of these:

Happy-happy-joy-joy! I promise I'll post pictures as soon as I figure this baby out.

Later that day we all went to the zoo which we pretty much had to ourselves. I was rolled around in a wheel chair next to my nephew in his stroller. We went exploring, had wild races and made obnoxiously loud animal noises.

For dinner we went to my favorite local restaurant and ate way too much yummy foods and when we came home we stuffed our faces with birthday cake. 

Do I need to say it was a wonderful day? Did I mention I have the most awesome family? I just felt surrounded by love and could not have wished for anything more. Except... when I blew out the candles on the cake I closed my eyes and wished for the acrobat to hang on, grow and join us strong and healthy in nine months.

A tiny speck of hope

We went in to have my hcg levels tested again today. They were at 2100. Not quite double from Friday but Dr. Swedish was still pretty sure we'd be able to locate where the acrobat was today based on those levels. So with trembling legs expecting the worst I got up in the stirrup throne and said hello to Mr. Wand. Two seconds later Dr. Swedish turned the screen towards us and here's what we saw:

Somehow, miraculously there was our acrobat. Right where it's supposed to be. A little small. Not perfectly round. But hanging on. In the right spot. Amazing.

I cried. D cried. And the doctor cried. 

I'm still bleeding, but it is a little less. Still no pain. Next appointment is on Thursday to see if the hcg is still climbing and if the acrobat is growing. We're just taking one day at the time. And today has been a very good day. 

Thank You Mr. Circus Director!