Ice Skater on board

Due to a sea of melting snow and spotty internet I haven't been able to keep you up to date, but all is well in circus land.
I just got back from Gothenburg with a little Ice Skater on board. It's a little surreal since my body's in it's normal state of self. It's not bruised from daily shots and have no pills shoved up any orifices. In other words I've got nobody to blame for pontential hormonal rages but me. Todays transfer was as close to a natural conception you'd get in a sterile room with two strangers and your mother.

Yes, Mamma got to be in the room with me and witness the magic of seeing the little skater first as a close-up on the flatscreen and then on the u/s as he/she slid through the catheter on to his/her stage in my womb. She loved it and got so excited she completely blew her one task of photographing the little guy. Oh, well :)

Unfortunately we lost the first one of our embryos in the defrosting process. When they thawed our day 5 blast, it didn't look good and it arrested shortly after. The one I have on board now is one of our day 6 blasts, and the other one is still frozen. It's sad but I'd rather this happen than have it transferred only to have it stop developing inside of me. Hopefully our ice skater is a fighter with olympic skills and will continue to develop nicely in his/her new home for the next nine months or so.

I missed my Diver Dude terribly today. He should've been there next to me holding my hand and witnessing the miracle that took place in that small hospital room. I sent him a text after the transfer to tell him all went well and skyped him as soon as I got home. He made me feel loved and missed and even made me laugh with crazy camera filters. He asked me to take good care of his spawn :)

Wednesday is my Farmor's funeral and I'll be 3 days in to my 2WW. Life and death all weaved into one.

Smile, you're on CD 15!

CD 14 - 6am - Negative
CD 14 - 4pm - Negative... Is that second line getting darker?
CD 14 - 10pm - POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!
And this morning I confirmed with the fancy-schmancy test and was greated by a smiley face!

Thank you ladies for all your encouraging words and advise, you helped me stay on the saner side of crazy :) Funny what stress can do to you, I don't think I have ever ovulated this late, day 14 has always been O-day for me.

I have my next u/s to check lining on Friday and if all looks good in baby-ville the transfer will happen Monday afternoon. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I'm now back to thinking FET au naturel is da bomb!

Desperately searching for a Smiley Face

CD12 - OPK negative
CD13 - OPK negative...?
CD14 - OPK.......negative!?!?
I'm starting to freak out. Normally I ovulate like clock work on CD14 and that means the LH surge should have been indicated on CD13. But there was nothing. nada. zilch.
My mind is searching for possible explanations: Did I ovulate early CD12 and miss the surge (slight rise in temp on CD13). Am I late this month? Or worst option of all, did I not ovulate this month at all?!?
So much for peace of mind this cycle :(
FET au naturel is more stressful than I could imagine!

Please ol-bod-o-mine, cooperate!

A gold star for my follie

I'm so proud of my A+ follie that behaved like a champ for Dr. Doodle yesterday. Luckily the lead follicle is on the right side since my leftie was her usual shy, hiding self. It measured 13mm on CD 11, and I officially started OPKing this morning (unofficially I have been peeing on sticks since CD9). Hoping to see that Smiley Face* tomorrow morning! I'm supposed to call the clinic when I get a positive, come back two days later to check that I actually ovulated, and 6 days after positive I'll be boarding one of our little ice skaters. FET au naturel is da shit!
I asked Dr. Doodle about the quality of our blasts and he smiled and said "they're as good as they get, you were really lucky to get four excellent blasts". He also told me they're very picky with the blasts they freeze because they want to keep their FET success rates as good as the fresh cycle. Music to my ears!

I feel surprisingly hopeful about this cycle. Relaxed, happy and optimistic. I am however well aware that in this circus things happen fast and that being thrown between extreme emotions without warning is more a rule than exception, so all I can do is enjoy this current peace of mind :)

Hanging out with Louise-in-the-middle was awesome. We had lunch, did some retail therapy and she came with me to my appointment. Our conversation flowed easily about everything from olympic medals, new donor lists and tougher topics like our resent losses. It's so rare to talk to somebody that actually understands and I cherished every moment. Thank you L, for an awesome day!

Last night we got another feet of snow so I've spent the morning shoveling snow. Who needs aerobics or step when you've got snow! Expecting a very sore upper body tomorrow :)

*LH surge on Clearblue's OPKs

Chi-chi-chi-chilly

I'm in Sweden. And they weren't kidding when they said they've got a ton of snow. Holy cow. And it's frickin' cold. Brrrrr!

Tomorrow afternoon is the appointment at the clinic to check for a lead follicle and decide when it's time to start peeing on a stick (like I haven't done that obsessively the past 3 days to make sure I don't miss a freakishly early LH surge) -Please, work with me here dear body!

Also, I've got a rare treat to look forward to. Louise-in-the-middle is coming down from The Big City to meet me in Gothenburg. I'm so excited to see her and look forward to a fun day together. I love it when last minute plans turn into something great.

Right now my pillow is whispering my name seductively and I can't wait put my head on it. Being up since 4 in the morning is not my cup o' tea :)

Nighty-night!

Yesterday

morning my Farmor (paternal grandmother) passed away. 94 years old. Clear as crystal and a tougher cookie than most. Her four children sat with her this week even though she told them to "not sit around and wait for me to die". 


My heart aches when I think about her and the times we had together. Not all happy. Not all covered in a rosy shimmer. But all important and never dull. All things that made me grow as a person.
I have so many things to thank her for. The many times we spent looking through old photo albums from her youth when she told me the story of her family. Giving our family story a sense of adventure and mystery and making me feel part of that story. All our conversations about life and love. Her patience through my rebellious twenties when I among other things questioned the very essence of her world, marriage and children. And her knowing smile when I told her I was getting married when I met Diver Dude. Her blunt way of asking when it would be our turn to have children with the question "have you found out what's wrong with you". And her caring questions about reproductive procedures she didn't understand but knew was important to me. The way she would stroke my cheek and smile at me. 


This trip to Sweden will now not only be for a chance to start a new life but also about the end of a loved one's.


Thank you for everything dear Farmor, may you rest in peace. 

Tack för allt älskade Farmor!

Just what the doctor ordered

8 beautiful days in Jamaica. Sun, ocean, romance and all inclusive. Does it get any better than that? 

It's been so long since me and Diver Dude were just tourists that we both found it a little uncomfortable to fit in to that role. And I'm not sold on the whole charter-big-group-o'-sun-thirsty-tourist business and I would have preferred to see more of the local culture, but as far as a relaxing vacation in the sun goes, it was still kind of wonderful.

Living in Hawai'i for six years gave us a glimpse of what goes on behind the scene in a tourist paradise and how much of it you actually miss out on when you're just visiting. In a way it has removed the innocent idea of a perfect oasis and added layers of complexity that I can't ignore when visiting another "paradise". Much like IF removes the innocent pure joy of finding out you're pregnant.

Enough with the rambling and what sounds like complaining. Since a picture speaks a thousand words I'll just share our trip with you in images and maybe you'll get a sneak peak of what I'm talking about.

View of Ocho Rios from Fern Valley

This little girl was begging for scraps from the tourists - it broke my heart. I wanted to take her home.

A bar/convenience store in the mountains.

Jamaican lady carrying bananas on her head.

I found the culprit. He's on vacation!!

The full moon over our hotel.

Our borrowed piece of paradise.

How beautiful is this?

Bartenders by the pool. Bad news :)

Working hard at getting a tan. With a Mai Tai in my left hand and a good book in my right.

After a week in Jamaica I feel balanced and happy both within myself and in my relationship with Diver Dude. It was wonderful to spend time together and rediscover our love for each other. And laugh. We did a whole lot of laughing. 

I honestly couldn't ask to be in a better place for this FET. 

Today is CD 2 of the cycle we'll board one of our ice skaters. It feels a little surreal because all I have to do is go in for a date with the dildo-cam on the 19th to check for a lead follicle, pin-point ovulation with OPK, and go in six days later to have the little skater put back. No meds, no needles, no problem.

The only thing I can find that's negative about all this is that Diver Dude won't be able to come with me to Sweden. He'll be just a phone call away though, so we should do just fine. 

If the dad is not in the same country as you when you get pregnant would that be considered an immaculate conception?