Back in England

Pheuw! What a whirlwind the past week has been. The warm kind of wind that you don't mind being in at all. I have so many stories to tell and no time to do it right now, but I'll make sure to sit down some time early next year to write. The trip across the Atlantic is a chapter of it's own, including an emergency landing in New Foundland and a spiritual  aha-moment for me, I'll make sure to tell you all about it later. 

It's been wonderful to spend Christmas with J-girl, Snorkel Kid, Froggy-boy and Sta-Bas. I loved seeing Diver Dudes eyes lit up when we first walked in the door and he was attacked by Froggy-boy with a big hug closely followed by Sta-Bas yelling "E-paaaa, E-paaaa!!" (StaBas is two and that's how grandpa is pronounced.) The week's been filled with frogs, insects and other creepy crawlies that Froggy-boy captured and showed us (he's seven, going on forty and a future biologist/zookeeper/snake-tamer), Star Wars toys in all thinkable sizes and shapes (Sta-Bas is obsessed, hence the name {Sta-Bas = Star Wars in Sta-Bas language}), doctors visits, contractions and wild baby moves with J-girl + bump and lots of dive related discussions between Diver Dude and Snorkel Kid (who is following in Diver Dudes footsteps as a Navy Diver), some chillaxing by the pool and a whole lot of wii sports. 

We also got to spend time with Diver Dudes MOTHER, Spoiled Brat (youngest brother), Hippie-Jew (step-dad), Marie Antoinette (sister, and that's her real name!!) and her two boys Billy-Bob and The Professor. Oh boy, do I have some good stories, they are one crazy family! 

Anyway, I better get back to preparing for the party tonight and taming the laundry monster, I really just wanted to wish you all a Happy New Year! May 2010 be the year when all our dreams come true.

Christmas Travels

Bags are packed. Presents are wrapped. Pets are off to the neighbors. And passports are out on the kitchen table. We're ready to go. Tomorrow morning we'll leave this snow clad picturesque english country side to go to a cooler than normal big city in Florida. 

We're going to spend Christmas with Diver Dudes middle daughter J-girl and her family. It will be great to see them all and to spend some quality time with my two bonus-grandsons. I'm just not sure how I'll react when I see J-girls beautiful 8-month-pregnant belly. Hopefully I'll be just fine, but part of me fears that the emptiness of my own womb and our recent loss will hurt badly. I just have to remember to breathe and try to smile through the pain. I need to be strong for her. J-girls pregnancy wasn't planned and is very high-risk. She had complications after her youngest son was born two years ago and was told by her docs to not have more children. But she got pregnant on BCPs because of a stomach flu. She has kidney problems, there's been cysts on the baby and in her uterus, lots of bleeding, and she's been on and off bed rest throughout the pregnancy. Just last week she started having contractions and was told she would most likely have the baby before Christmas. It's a weird situation and a very modern family complication when bonus-mom and daughter were hoping to both be pregnant over the holidays. Unfortunately our hopes were short lived. Now all we can hope for is that J-girl stays pregnant and that the little guy continues to grow strong.

While we're in Florida we'll also spend time with Diver Dudes mom, brother, sister and nephews. All very special people and I'm sure we'll have some good stories with us going home.

Last night me and Diver Dude had our own little Christmas and opened presents by the fire place. Pressies, saffron buns with milk and Rudolf the Red Nosed Raindeer. It was great. The best part was when Diver Dude opened the model train I got him, his face lit up with childish joy and he dove down on the floor to put it together. Got me lots of brownie points in spite the fact that I broke our rule of no gifts to each other this year. Our combined Christmas-Anniversary-My-35th-Diver-Dudes-50th-super-duper-awesome-present happens to be a trip to Jamaica in January. But I couldn't help myself. And I'm kind of bad at following rules. Muahahahahahaaa.

Before I leave I just wanted to wish you all a Merry ChristKwanzHanukKalikiJul and Happy Holidays!

Bloody Monster, is that you?

Oh. 

My. 

F-ing. 

Gawd. 

It hurts.

Tell me this is the Bloody Monster. It has to be. Right? She's earlier than they said she would be. They told me between one and three months. I stopped bleeding/spotting completely on the 28th. My hcg was at 1 on the 7th. But it could still be her. Right? Not some weird complication. Please let this be OK. It could be good. Right? 

Maybe.

Just maybe, I got a little annoyed with all the happy family holiday cards attacking our fridge.

And maybe, I had a glass of wine or two tonight.

Possibly did I force my husband to wear a silly santa hat on his chin.

I might have even bribed the critters to wear that same silly hat.

But I most definitely have the most awesome x-mas card.

Happy Holidays dear friends!! 

Cold Morning Air

A dark shape by the side of the road

Struggles to get back on his feet

Back legs betray with impossible angles

Black eyes reflect the cars that I meet

Burning hot breath in the cold morning air

Tell a story of pain with no option to flee

That's when I hear a desperate scream

And realize it's coming from me

This morning on my way to the vet with Athena I saw a deer that had just been hit by a car. I felt so sick, helpless and angry when all I could do was to plead with the Circus Director to please make it quick. I can't seem to shake the image of his desperation and get a big lump in my throat every time I think about it. 

I try to not see myself as a victim but maybe on some level I saw myself in his pain. 

A friend in need

A RL-friend of mine, the only one that knows about this blog, is in need of some love and support today. 

Louise-in-the-middle and her man went through a DE IVF beginning of November and she had two perfect little embabies put back. She was thrilled to get a BFP that was followed by two consecutive perfectly rising HCGs. We were all hoping the high numbers indicated twins. She recently had a couple of bleeding/spotting episodes but kept her spirits and hopes high. This morning was her first u/s. Unfortunately they could not locate any embryo in uterus. She is now waiting to get confirmation of her loss with a repeat HCG test.

Her blog is written in swedish but she's fluent in english and could sure use a virtual hug and some kind words of comfort!

Louise, nästa gång är det vår tur. Stor kram till dej! 

Tori Amos

Wanted to share this beautifully dark Tori Amos song from the mid nineties that I suddenly and unexpectedly find myself drawn to. I suppose it helps me through the grieving process. It's a song she wrote after her first miscarriage. 

"Spark"

CLICK HERE to watch video

She's addicted to nicotine patches

She's addicted to nicotine patches

She's afraid of the light in the dark

6:58 are you sure where my spark is

Here

Here

Here

She's convinced she could hold back a glacier

But she couldn't keep Baby alive

Doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere

Here

You say you don't want it again

And again but you don't really mean it

You say you don't want it

This circus we're in

But you don't you don't really mean it

You don't really mean it

If the Divine master plan is perfection

Maybe next I'll give Judas a try

Trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin

Here

You say you don't want it again

And again but you don't really mean it

You say you don't want it

This cirucs we're in

But you don't you don't really mean it

You don't really mean it

How may fates turn around in the overtime

Ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find

You thought that you were the bomb yeah

Well so did I

Say you don't want it

Say you don't want it

Say you don't want it again

And again but you don't really mean it

Say you don't want it

This circus we're in

But you don't you don't really mean it

You don't really mean it

She's addicted to nicotine patches

She's afraid of the light in the dark

6:58 are you sure where my spark is

Here 

The story of us - part 1

In honor of our six year anniversary today (which is Dec 6 in spite of what the publishing date says... how do you change that?) I'm going to start writing down the story of us. How we met, fell in love and got married all in the course of six months and in spite of being oceans apart.

Once upon a time there was a 28 year old swedish girl called Circus Princess. She was living in Hawaii in a house with her room mates Carlos and Swedeheart. Carlos was a 40-something hairy Mexican Army biker and Swedeheart an über smart Swedish-American waitress in her twenties with multiple degrees. Her room mates had during the four years they had lived together turned into a married couple and also produced a little Peanut. Peanut is proof that when opposites attract magic happens.

Circus Princess was studying Communication Arts and living la vida loca single style. Carlos had tried to fix her up with many of his hairy biker friends, but Circus Princess was not impressed. She'd even humored him and went on dates with a couple of the younger cuter variety, but no dice. She had also met his less hairy biker friend 43-year old Diver Dude on several occasions and thought he was cute but way to old for her. She was just happy on her own and was the kind of girl that never really dreamed of a fairy tale romance or a white wedding.

Then one day Circus Princess had graduated school, posessed a soon-to-be-expired student visa, and decided it was time to move back to Sweden. The same week decisions were made she met Diver Dude at a biker party in a beach park. He walked up to her sitting on the ground having a beer and a laugh with Swedeheart. He flashed her a big confident smile and said "Hello beautiful". She looked up into his brown eyes (or are they green, she still can't decide) catching the sun and his perfectly white wide smile and thought "well, well, well". She immidiately decided that since she was going home in a few weeks one date with this hot old guy couldn't hurt. So when Diver Dude offered her a ride on his Pit Bull Chopper with a "NO WIFE" license plate she hopped up on the fender with a smirk on her face. 

He took her out to dinner and ordered a trash can lid filled with ribs, corn on the cob and crab legs. Circus Princess LOVED crab and was surprised to see that Diver Dude wasn't eating any (she later found out he'd been afraid she'd bite his hand off if he had tried grabbing one) but gladly ate every single one herself. They had a great time; conversation was intriguing and laughter was easy. After dinner and a few drinks at a bar Diver Dude took her home. Circus Princess then realized she had lost her keys. Like the gentleman he is Diver Dude offered to take her to his place down the road and wait for her roomies to come home. A couple of hours later she had forgotten all about Carlos and Swedehearts comings or goings and was solving life's mysteries under the starry skies in Diver Dude's lanai. 

That first night slowly turned into day, the day mulitplied and turned into weeks and Circus Princess just sort of forgot where her home was. She had found a new home in the arms of Diver Dude. Their new love for each other was crazy, passionate, unexpected and completely inconvenient as Circus Princess would turn into an illegal alien if she stayed beyond the four weeks she had left on her student visa. So much for one harmless date with this hot older guy.

In a blink of an eye the month had passed and Circus Princess and Diver Dude found themselves entangled in an emotional goodbye at Honolulu airport. With tears streaming down her face Circus Princess looked back at Diver Dude as she walked through security and wondered if she would ever see this wonderful man again. As her plane was taxing out she had to resist every fiber in her body urging her to run back out into the arms of the man she was madly in love with. 

Little did she know that six months later they would not only be together again but that she would also have broken her vow of never getting married.

To be continued...

Our first Circus Performance - The long story short

I've put together a short version of the long (but not long enough) story of our first IVF. Mainly for me to remember but also for others in a similar situation to find information.

Oct 7 - Start stims CD2 of natural cycle. Gonal F 225IE. Stims make me tired, thirsty and "fuzzy" in the head.

Oct 11 - Fly to Sweden from England. 

Oct 12 - First u/s shows 3 follicles in right, left ovary not found. Increase Gonal-F to 300IE and add Orgalutran (stings and irritates).

Oct 16 - Second u/s shows 6 follicles in right, 2 in left (still hard to find). Ovaries slightly achy.

Oct 18 - Trigger shot of Ovitrelle. Do the baby dance.

Oct 20 - Egg retrieval with local anaesthetic and morfin. TESA with local anaesthetic. 8 mature eggs retrieved (6 from right, 2 from left). 5 successfully fertilized with ICSI. Start vaginal progesterone suppositories 3 times/day - boobies start getting sore almost instantly.

Oct 21 - 24 - Have a few glasses of red wine. Eat good, spend time with family and relax.

Oct 25 - Embryo transfer, 1 blastocyst transferred, 1 frozen. Drink lots of water and a glass of pineapple juice a day.

Oct 26 - Fly from Sweden to England. 2 additional blasts are frozen. 

Oct 27 - A pulling, tugging sensation in uterus all day off and on

Oct 28 - First nose bleed ever and start falling asleep on the couch by 8 pm

Oct 30 - Light brown spotting after walk

Oct 31 - Nov 1 - Spotting continues and gets a little heavier

Nov 1 - Get disgusted by crayfish that I normally LOVE

Nov 2 - Spotting starts to look like a light period, this is the day my period would have arrived in normal cycle (full moon)

Nov 3 - 4 - Bleeding increases and turns redder

Nov 5 - BFP!?!?! Red bleeding continues to increase

Nov 6 - 7 - Bleeding gets BRIGHT red and I pass small stringy clots. Start to get attacks of nausea and/or hunger 

Nov 8 - Find an old HPT in a drawer and take the test at night after drinking lots of water and peeing like a race horse... Get another strong positive.

Change insertion of progesterone suppositories from vaginal to anal in hopes to stop the bleeding, thinking they're irritating my cervix.

Nov 9 - Worst day of bleeding yet, like a full on period in a crimson red color. Go see doctor to take Beta HCG test. HCG comes back 490 mlU/ml.

Nov 10 - Bleeding seems to slow down, pass a few clots the size of a quarter (common during my regular period). Feel nauseous all day, have hunger attacks and boobies are very sore. No pain.

Nov 11 - Bleeding picks up again and get a lot worse. Bright red. Fill a big pad in less than an hour. Stop progesterone supps.

Nov 12 - Heavy bleeding continues, feel faint and weak, go to ER. Heart Rate 105 and Blood Pressure 150/48. Get fluids via IV. HCG test shows 1044 mlU/ml. No embryo seen in uterus with vag. u/s. Endometrial stripe 9mm. Told I'm miscarrying and offered meds to speed things up. I decline and ask for repeat HCG to confirm miscarriage.

Nov 13 - Heavy bleeding continues. Repeat HCG shows 1331 mlU/ml. BP 115/69. HR 91. Mildly anemic. OB/GYN can't find embryo in uterus and is worried about ectopic and wants to give methotrexate to terminate pregnancy. I decline and ask for options. Offered to come in two days later when HCG levels should be above 1500 mlU/ml to try to locate pregnancy. 

Nov 15 - Bleeding slows down a little. HCG shows 2168 mlU/ml and OBGYN is able to locate a gestational sac in uterus. It measures a little small (0.51cm) and is slightly irregular. Get a little hopeful in spite of all the bleeding. BP 124/73. HR 98.

Nov 16 - Wake up early morning with a feeling of not being pregnant. Boobs are less sore. Still have food aversions. Bleeding changes color to slightly darker and slows down. Pass a few clots and start having mild cramping.

Nov 17 - Turn 35. Dark bleeding, mild cramping, pass a few clots.

Nov 18 - Extreme fatigue. Bleeding slows down to heavy dark red spotting.

Nov 19 - Miscarriage confirmed with HCG of 894 mlU/ml. Mildly anemic. Opt to miscarry naturally, prescribed iron (Ferro-Sequels). My heart breaks.

Nov 20 - 28 - Spotting gets less and less. Have one or two bleeding episodes and pass a few more clots. All pregnancy symptoms slowly disappear. Do the baby dance on 28th.

Nov 29 - Bleeding stops completely. 

Nov 30 - HCG shows 12 mlU/ml.

Dec 7 - Miscarriage complete. HCG shows 1 mlU/ml. BP 116/68. HR 80. No longer anemic, stop iron supplement. Told that period can arrive in 1-3 months and will most likely be abnormal. 

Dec 15 - Light spotting starts

Dec 18 - Bloody Monster arrives. Painful cramping but otherwise she seems normal.

January 1-2 - Ovulation pain on my left side.

January 14 - Bloody Monster arrives 27 days after last bleed. Pheuw! Heavy, but normal.

Seems like my body has bounced back nicely. Now we can start planning our natural FET in February 2010.

12

Dr. Swedish called today with Monday's hcg test results. It's down to twelve. He said he was pleased that the numbers are going down nicely and that he's hoping the levels will be below five for my next visit Monday. He asked how things were going and if I had contacted the fertility clinic in Sweden. I said "better" and "yes" and continued by telling him about my conversation with Dr. Boss Lady in Sweden and the FET in February. 

After we hung up I gave myself a big hug. I thanked my body for working through this and taking care of things naturally. I thanked it for giving me some sort of a consolation in this mess. And then I apologized for all the cursing it has received over the past month.

I also can't thank all of you enough for all the kind words and support through these weeks of hardship. You helped me get through the dark waters and made me want to move towards the surface. 

Every day I'm taking another step in the right direction.