Beautiful Bubba

I was a wreck going in to the OB/GYN clinic yesterday afternoon. It's a small miracle I made it to the appointment without crashing my car, and that my legs carried me up the stairs and into the examination room. Dr. Swedish walked into the room chewing his lower lip and, after greeting me in swedish, confessed that he was nervous too.

The lights were quickly turned off, the wand introduced, I grabbed Diver Dude's hand and held my breath while Dr. Swedish studied the ultrasound screen. What seemed like an eternity later Dr. Swedish smiled wide and exclaimed "It looks beautiful!", turned the screen towards us and turned on the sound.

Bubba's heart was beating in a rapid swooshing pace, and it was the most wonderful thing I ever heard. My eyes filled up with warm tears and I heard myself laughing as Diver Dude squeezed my hand tighter.

The image is not great because my bladder was full (it seems impossible these days to empty it often enough) but you can see that Bubba grew up a storm and is now measuring 8w2d (2 days ahead). The CRL was 19mm, and the heart rate an amazing 173 beats/min.

All is well in this circus, and our next appointment is in four weeks.
Unless I have a mental break-down before that :)

New skills and obnoxious preggo-ladies.

I have a new skill.
I can burp like a man.
You know, the deep, vibrating, ear-deafening kind of burp only burly men can produce.
Burly men and me.
Diver Dude would like to know who kidnapped his Princess and replaced her with this burp-monster.

Yesterday's orientation went well. I only had to bite my tongue a few times when one obnoxious preggo-lady kept complaining about her symptoms, and how shocked she was to be pregnant, and how inconvenient it had been when she was pregnant with her daughter because she had a small placenta and how that caused her to go two weeks over the time, and how she REALLY hopes this one has a normal sized placenta so she won't have to be pregnant longer than necessary. When another preggo-lady told us all with a big sigh how her husband had had a vasectomy because they did not want any more children but here she is "knocked up" again - all this said in front of her own two children - I had to hold my legs to not kick her hard under the table.

I was surprised at the up-beat mode in which everything was reviewed. Not once were the words "if" or "hopefully" used in regards to our pregnancies. Not once was the word "miscarriage" mentioned, and when the first preggo-lady cracked a joke about us all going in to labor at once I nearly gasped at her optimism. I was quiet and tried to listen to the different up-coming scans and tests and the different labor options available but I'm happy we got a stack of paper with the information because I honestly can't remember much. It was like being in bizarro-world.

This afternoon I have an appointment with Dr. Swedish to check on Bubba. My knees are shaking just thinking about it. Please let everything be alright.

Road-trippin' in Scotland

It's been a great week. Just me and Diver Dude on the road, discovering a country from the comfort of his Dodge Ram. It's always an interesting combination with a big american truck and narrow british country roads. More than once I've seen oncoming drivers freak out and swerve when they see what's coming towards them. The power of gross tonnage almost always works to our advantage. Except when it comes to filling up the gas tank. Ouch!

Anyway, without further ado, here's our Scotland trip in pictures.

Our first castle was actually on the English side, right on the water. Bamburgh Castle - parts of it dates back to 547 AD

When we reached the scottish border we saw Hadrian's Wall - erected in 122 AD to defend the northern frontier of the Roman Empire.

Just in case we forgot where we were going :)

The capital of Scotland is Edinburgh - a beautiful city with gorgeous architecture, a river running through it, and lots of green parks.

A seagull blocking the view from Edinburgh Castle of the city.

Edinburgh Castle perched high on a hill in the city.

Bag pipers were everywhere. Love the haunting sound of it.

Candles in a church in Edinburgh. Every little flame burning for somebody special.

Streets of Edinburgh.

A small village in the mountains - Birnam - Beatrix Potter (author of Peter Rabbit) spent her childhood summers here and got inspiration for many of her children's books from the surrounding forests.

Playground in Birnam on a rainy and misty evening.

Our hotel in Birnam.

Blair Castle outside of Atholl (no, I don't have a lisp) - 13th century

Deer on Blair Castle grounds.

A train bridge on our way to Loch Ness.

Probably the most famous lake in Scotland - Loch Ness. No, we didn't even get a glimpse of Nessie :)

The Scottish Highlands - beautiful even in the rain

I love me some fuzzy Highland cows!

One of many distilleries - Ben Nevis

Another distillery - Auchentohsan

Loch Lomond at dusk

Loch Lomond at dawn

New Lanark - A cotton mill village founded in 1786 with the ground breaking concept of free housing, schooling, and medical for the workers.

Our last castle in Scotland - Drumlanrig Castle - a renaissance building commisioned in 1691 by William Douglas. It had an impressive collection of art and we found to our surprise an original Rembrandt.

The view from Drumlanrig Castle. I could have my morning coffee here. Decaf of course :)

It's good to be back home, but being explorers by nature I know it won't be long until we start talking about where to go next. Prague is on our list. So is Paris.

Tomorrow I have an "group orientation" at my OB/GYN clinic. Me in a group of normal fertiles. Actually having conceived without the help of a team of doctors. Weird. I'm afraid I'll feel like a poser and like I don't  belong there. It's still all so surreal. 

Pregnancy symptoms are mild. Nausea that can be compared to being slightly motion sick most of the day. Boobs are sore off and on. I'm hungry all the time and I know where all the restrooms are located along A1 going up to Scotland :)

I worry a lot. 

A LOT. 

But I try very hard to focus on being positive and believing in this miracle.

So much to say and no time to say it...

I can't leave for a week of adventure in Scotland without posting the first picture of our miracle - who we're lovingly calling "Bubba The Miracle".

At 6w2d Bubba measured 4,6mm with a heart rate of 118, and my HCG levels were over 100,000!! Dr. Swedish was convinced we had two in there and searched for quite a while, but could only find one :)

Lots of love to all of you my lovelies!!

A teeny tiny update

About an itsy bitsy heart beat.

It seems this miracle is not just a fiction of my imagination.

I'm in awe and really happy I have ears so my smile don't split my head in two.

Amazing. Just amazing.

July 12, 2010

Over the past nine months I've looked at this date in my calendar so many times, wondering what I would feel on this day. Expecting sadness and a feeling of loss, secretly hoping the day would come and go without much fuzz.

Here it is. Acrobat's expected due date.

In my heart I believe our Acrobat was never meant to be in my arms. From the very beginning there was all this drama, and although I hoped and prayed with all my being for a different outcome, deep down I think I knew it wouldn't turn out the way we wished.

Loosing the Acrobat taught me so many things.  It taught me to trust my body to know how to heal. It taught me to see sunshine through the rain and the outpouring of love from friends and strangers in a time of darkness. It taught me to trust in the higher order of things, and it taught me to be strong when I was feeling weak.

I'm forever grateful for getting through a grief that knocked the air out of me, and for surfacing on the other side a stronger person. I'm grateful for the short time Acrobat was with us.

Today is so different from anything I ever expected. I'm five weeks and four days pregnant with a miracle. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

Life finds a way.

One moment I'm struggling to believe this is really happening, and the next I'm laughing like a crazy person. I'm overwhelmed with gratefulness and hope, but also consumed with fear and doubt.
Could this truly be the kind of miracle that you think is just an urban legend? 


The night of the 2nd, me and Diver Dude got a little crazy and ordered a last minute trip to Sweden. 12 hours from the idea was hatched we landed in Denmark and boarded the train to Sweden and surprised my whole family. The look on their faces when we showed up in their backyard was priceless. 


We had a wonderful weekend filled with lazy days on the beach for Mamma, Sister, Nephew and me, golf for Diver Dude, Pappa and Mr. Sister, good food, fierce card games, and lots of laughter. The small fact that my Bloody Monster was missing in action an increasing period of time I simply blamed on the heat wave, traveling and good living (i.e. a few extra pounds that have snuck on my body over the past couple of months). 


On our way home Monday night, Diver Dude asked me if Aunt Flo had showed up yet, and I said no. He asked how late I was, I quickly calculated with the help of my fingers and was surprised with the answer of six days. 
- Could you be pregnant? His question nearly knocked me out of my seat. But when I added up the sore boobs, the nausea spells and the obvious lack of bleeding/spotting, a tiny light of that insane hope started flickering. I told him that if it wasn't for the fact that I knew it was nearly impossible I'd almost think so. We decided I should pee on a stick in the morning to at least rule it out.


Yesterday morning I woke up around five with a bladder that was about to burst. I ran in to the bathroom, sat down to release the Niagara Falls and suddenly remembered what I was supposed to do. Pinched off before I started and scrambled to find a cup to pee in, aimed carefully and released again. Then I tore off the clear plastic, opened the card board box, ripped open the inner foil case, removed the blue cover and dipped the cotton part in my steaming pee. And then I watched as that magic blue plus sign appeared right before my eyes in mere seconds.


- Holy sh#t! was what came out of my mouth and Diver Dude asked what was going on. I grabbed the stick, showed it to him laying in bed, smiled like an idiot and screamed: - I'm freakin' pregnant! He immediately echoed my initial classy statement and then started laughing. I jumped in bed with him and we looked at each other in chock between awkward hugs and nervous laughter. - Can you believe we did it on our own?


And the funny thing is, when I look back through my diary I've realized that this miracle must've been conceived the morning Diver Dude changed his mind. Yeah, really. It's the stuff fairy tales are made of. I just couldn't make this up even if I tried. And, urban legend or not, me and Diver Dude - him with obstructive azoospermia and me with only one proven functional tube - appear to be pregnant without any medical intervention. It seems life has found a way.

You didn't think I wouldn't POAS again did you?

Dear Bloody Monster. You're fired.

Last time you went MIA for three days, I told you I'd fire you if you ever pulled that stunt again.



Needless to say, after seven days of tardiness I have no other choice.

You're fired!

But...

If you stay away for nine months, you'll be promoted...

And right now, it looks like you'll get a raise too...

I don't know what to say, it's a bloody miracle!!

Pardon me while I flip out!!

UPDATE: For some reason comments are not showing, but I'm getting them all. Thank you for all the love, promise a longer post as soon as I get my hands to stop shaking :)