Sunday, 2 May 2010

Can our love build a bridge over this canyon?

This Friday, the night before Diver Dude's two week trip to the U.S, we went down to London Gatwick for some much needed R&R. 

After a two hour drive in the company of our favorite comedy podcasters we checked in to our four star hotel and got ready for a romantic evening for two. We explored our surroundings and checked out the menus of the different restaurants available.We shared a bottle of Cabernet at the bar while giggling and making up possible stories for our fellow hotel dwellers. Our mood was up beat and giddy.

Later we sat down to enjoy a candle lit dinner at a french bistro. Conversation was smooth and we started talking about how we met, what we used to enjoy doing together. Diver Dude told me about his surprise when I fearlessly jumped up behind him on the fender of his Pit Bull chopper. I laughed at the memory of his license plate boldly exclaiming "NO WIFE". We talked about the endless rides we did around the island of Oahu. The sun, the hawaiian music and our rich social life.

Suddenly he says "I wouldn't mind going back one day". He continued saying how he'd consider moving back to Hawaii when he retires from his current career. How he'd golf all day and just enjoy the laid back life style. 

In an instant that possible future hit me. Ten years from now. The two of us, back in Paradise. Him retired and me, at the age of 45, back in a place I gave up to follow the man of my dreams. A life I gave up in pursuit of the possibility of having a family. Back with the same man but without any of those dreams. Back where we started. Without children and with an expired biological clock. And my heart became so heavy. My vision blurred with tears.

Still with a smile on his face he looked up from his plate to ask me what I thought of that.  I couldn't meet his eyes. I couldn't answer his simple question. He looked so hurt and puzzled when he discovered the change in my mood. But I couldn't explain. I couldn't tell him that the picture of this future he so optimistically painted sounded like a dark and scary place to me. 

I struggled to swallow my fear and stoically ignored the giant pink elephant on the table and changed subject. I asked him about his trip. What he's looking forward to doing while in San Diego. Places he'll go eat at. Old friends he's going to see. His daughter and grandkids. 

But in spite of my best effort, the rest of the evening that big pink intruder accompanied us in everything we did. It was a silent part of all our conversations. A big mountain between us in bed. It's presence made our good bye kiss seem cool and as Diver Dude walked away toward his gate it blocked my view.

If Diver Dude's decision to no longer pursue a family with me is final, I don't know how to get around it. If we don't share the same dreams anymore, how can we stay together? All the love in the world can't fix that. Can it?


  1. I don't know honey.
    Thats something that only you and DD can answer.

    What does your heart tell you?

    I'm so sorry that you have to go through this...
    I wish I lived near you so I could give you a big hug IRL!

    Sending you lots of love and hugs.

  2. I wish I could tell you everything will be just fine and he'll change his mind. I really wish I could give that to you. I can't imagine the emotions this would bring about. Maybe a couple of weeks apart will help gain perspective for both of you.

    Take care of yourself. I've been thinking of you lately.

  3. I'm so sorry your romantic getaway was ruined by the pink elephant.
    I hope that you and DD can work through this in therapy and you can get some solid answers as to what the future might hold.
    Hand in there honey. *hugs*

  4. It was great to hear that you guys had a date night which much needed from the sounds of your last posts...Your goal and the road blocks you've been faced with has taken a toll on you and Diver Dude. I think that most of us who are having troubles with conceiving makes us feel like objects and sex becomes a chore during which we are judged by the outcome and not a way to show love to your spouse. The best advice I can give you is if want to successfully survive infertility, you need to tune into each other even when your thoughts are running in different directions. Talk to your hubby about everyday things, continue to talk to him about your emotional aspects of infertility, talk to him about the latest episode your favorite TV show; just talk. Moreover, NO ONE HAS THE ANSWERS BUT YOU! Things will work themselves out somehow...Take it easy.

  5. HUGS! I am sorry that your outing did not go as planned. My heart just aches from what you and DD are going through. I have no words of advice, but I am sending you lots of love!

  6. ((HUGS)) Thinking of you and hoping some time apart makes your ultimate goals more similar.

  7. You are a brave woman. I don't know if you can ever bridge such a fundamental gap. Only you and he know what you want from your life together. He does sound like he loves you dearly. hugs.

  8. My dear, my heart goes out to you. There are no words.

    Thinking of you.

  9. I am so sorry that the elephant is even in the room. You're right that it can shadow just about everything you do once it arrives. I don't have the answer as to whether you and DD can build the bridge, though. That would have to come from you. Have you considered letting him read this post? You said your thoughts so eloquently. Sometimes for me it is easier to let my husband read my inner most thoughts rather than sitting down face to face and having to actually say them out loud.

    Hugs, my dear. My heart goes out to you.

  10. I'm sorry the elephant ruined the evening, but I think that you need to give this whole situation some time to sort itself out... And give yourself some time too. Everything seems so new and so raw, and things are changing as you go to your counsellor, so I think that in this case, time will really help you decide what to do. Thinking of you.

  11. Oh Honey I hate that Pink Elephant! I hope this time apart will help heal some of the hurt and confusion. And hopefully DD will see things from your side after being away for so long. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I wish I could give you a hug and a big glass of wine! Good Luck and focus on youself over this little break from the DD. Do something nice for yourself. Sending you lots of hugs!!

  12. Has he read this blog or at least this post? Sometimes, sharing your words can be done through writing, too - you write in such a powerful way, it may do a better job of expressing your feelings than you can do speaking. - Tkeys

  13. I don't know how you go about bridging that gap. I've asked that question of Bikerman and I many times.

    Bikerman has said that I'm enough for him, that I'm all he has ever wanted and yet I can't say the same back to him....

    ....and so we just live each day as it comes, we can't change the hand of fate, we can only be prepared for what it may hand to us.


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  15. Honey, I know exactly, EXACTLY, how you feel! That's how I felt with my ex-husband, and after that first realization I still stayed 4-5 more years before I got the courage to get up and leave! I'm not saying you'll end up going your separate ways, I'm just saying I know the bottomless pit of sadness that is threatening to swallow you whole right now!
    One thing though, you need to share how you felt with DD, otherwise you are bottling up your feelings again!

  16. I'm so sorry that pink elephant is hanging around and spoiling such lovely moments.

    I don't know how you can get round this for as long as he feels this way. I just hope that DD will work through this and realise that he does want to try again, and that he can do it. Maybe these two weeks will give him a chance to process some of his feelings and get his head in a better place.

    Like Stacie, I often communicate with my husband in writing - I'm able to craft exactly what I want to say without fear of getting overemotional, and I find my DH 'listens' better and also takes time over his reply. We do it by e-mail while we're both at work - could you e-mail him while he's away to explain why his picture of retiring to Hawaii upset you so much?

  17. Just a thought - did you see that article in the Times that I referred to in my post on Sunday? It's all too rare to read about these things from the man's perspective, and for me it sparked a very interesting conversation with my DH and helped me to understand his point of view a bit better. x


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