Tuesday 10 August 2010

Lady Merlin's Wall

Last week me and Diver Dude had our final joint session with Lady Merlin. The time before I had told her about Diver Dude's change of heart and this time we had even more surprising news for her. It was a great session, lots of small talk, laughter, and some good advise on how to handle the "telling" with Diver Dude's daughters.

Lady Merlin told us she was pleased with our progress and that she was very happy for us. She also told us that this isn't the first time she's had a couple going through ART spontaneously get pregnant while in her care. She told us about the wall of photos in her London office with babies that were supposed to have been ART-babies but are in fact "miracle"babies. "The mind-body connection works in mysterious ways" she said with a sly smile and continued to tell us how when you truly let go and free your mind, magic things can happen.

I don't know what to think. Part of me hates the similarities with the over-used, nonchalant advise of "Just relax, and it will happen", and part of me can't help but see the interesting contradiction in the statement. You can't relax with the purpose of wanting to have a child. It's impossible. But, somehow, in the midst of one of the hardest times in my life, my mind was forced open by something more terrifying than the fear of never having a child and relaxed. And something very similar must've happened to Diver Dude when he changed his mind that morning.

In my mind I've gone over all the things that changed in our lives since last year when Diver Dude was diagnosed with azoospermia and we went through the IVF. Everything from eating habits and work-out routines to social networks and states of mind. What did we do differently? Diver Dude quit chewing tobacco on New Year's Eve. When we were in Jamaica in January we both smoked some pakalolo - first time in 30 years for Diver Dude, 7 for me. There were a lot of trying times - the miscarriage and two failed FETs followed by the crisis when Diver Dude called it quits - but there were good times too. Moments of true connection, love and adventure. Spiritually things changed for me. I found a voice. I'm not sure how else to explain that.

I know, I'm over-thinking and over-analyzing this miracle that has happened. I should just shut up and be grateful.
I am. Shutting up. And I am so very, very grateful.

I hope we get a chance to add Bubba to Lady Merlin's Wall of Miracles. Nine weeks and five days today.

15 comments:

  1. I hope you told her to save space for the most beautiful baby her wall has ever seen!! :) Bubba will for sure be her new edition!!

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  2. that is a beautiful story and one I am sure Bubba will want to hear over and over again. The thing is that sometimes when you do let go, things come..they are not always the miracles we want...and yet sometimes, some of us do get them.
    I don't know how to explain it either, but what I do know is that something opened in each one of you to allow that miracle in...and whatever it was, was a beautiful thing. Something that will grace that wall of miracles next year.

    HUGS

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  3. I was just thinking that it's weird I haven't been all weepy, and it worried me. All must be okay, though, because you brought on the tears. I am so happy to be able to follow you on this miracle journey.

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  4. Beautiful post. I can't wait to see Bubba picture on that wall!

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  5. Bubba will be the most loved, and beautiful baby on her wall! No Doubt about it! Wonderful post CP! Sending you love and hugs!!!

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  6. Great post - Bubba will definitely be on that wall!

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  7. X marks the spot lovely lady! I'm so excited for you.

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  8. your posts make me smile so hugely. very excited for you and your miracle. :)

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  9. You have such a great story. I'm sure Bubba will find it interesting to hear one day :)

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  10. I know what you mean about not wanting to contribute to the cliche. At the same time, it DOES happen, now & then. You just happened to be one of the very lucky ones! Enjoy!

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  11. Great story, and I love the space on that wall - your Bubba will fill it perfectly! xx

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  12. I get what you're saying -- you don't want to be that story of an infertile who found herself and then got pregnant, but you definitely don't mind it either. Pregnant is pregnant :) Enjoy.

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  13. CP, I've missed having time to read your (or any) blog, and am thrilled to have a moment to catch up and hear that things are going well. I can't wait to hear more good news about you and DD's little Bubba and his/her progress in the coming months. Obviously, I'm so excited for you two!!!

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