It's a little person in there!

Spending an hour yesterday looking at Bubba from all different angles makes me feel like I've gotten to know the little person growing inside me a little bit better.


Everything went well and all major organs were well within limits. Major relief. The femurs measured almost a week ahead but we're both tall people so no big surprise there :) Heartbeat was strong at 159 bpm.  Placenta was posterior, so that explains me feeling a lot of movement early. Bubba was head down low during the whole hour and only moved arms and legs leisurely. Cervix measured 3.5 cm, which is shorter than the baseline but I'm trying not to worry until I get to speak to Dr. Swedish. Ha!


When it came time to find out what flavor Bubba is, our tech ran in to some difficulty. Bubba's legs were tightly closed at all times and would not give us even a little sneak peek. Until I went to the bathroom and danced a little mambo. When I laid back down, the tech quickly placed the wand on my belly and for a moment we caught a glimpse before the legs closed again.


Diver Dude jumped out of his chair and cheered loudly only to immediately after have big tears fill his eyes. Choked up he managed to whisper: "Munchkin, we're having a son". The tech confirmed with a smile and told us congratulations. I was immediately so filled with happiness I couldn't say a word.


Bubba is a boy.


We're having a son.

Yes, there's a tiny pee-pee in me and Diver Dude is not only OK with it, he's happy about it! In any other context that would be the weirdest sentence ever :) 

I'm in love.

Sometimes I forget...

There are still days when I'll see a woman with a beautiful bump in the corner of my eye and feel my heart squeezed tight in an all too familiar way. For a brief moment it knocks the wind out of me. The moment after I suddenly realize I've caught a glimpse of my own reflection.

Infertility is not cured by pregnancy. The soaring happiness I feel over the life growing inside of me is so fragile and comes with such deep fear. I cherish every second of this miracle but fear that any moment things can go wrong. It's exhausting. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

Thursday is our anatomy scan. I'm thrilled with the thought of seeing Bubba again and excited to find out what flavor he/she is. At the same time I'm absolutely terrified, hoping with all my being that our little Bubster is healthy and growing strong.

What do you think? Is Bubba a boy or a girl?

I am that woman.

I am the elusive woman you hear about from at least one of your friends/family/colleagues when telling them about your battle with infertility.
I am the sister of your brother's coworker's aunt's cousin's neighbor.
I am the urban myth not even Dr. Google can find.

I am the woman who got pregnant while getting ready to start IVF. The second time.

During the past three years I've heard so many miracle stories about women who have gotten pregnant before their first cycle of IVF, after their husbands had a vasectomy, or before/after adopting a child - but the person telling the story has never known the person first hand or been able to provide details of their medical diagnosis. So for every story told I choked on a slightly bitter laugh and dismissed it as an attempt of encouragement or just utter bull-crap.
If that small voice of hope had the audacity to ever make as much as a peep, I quickly shut it up with our statistics and medical facts:
• Diver Dude has obstructive azoospermia after an unsuccessful vasectomy reversal
• I have one unblocked tube on the left, and a history of uterine polyps and cervical cancer
• Our Swedish clinic gave us an estimated success rate of 35-45% per transfer with IVF/ICSI and PESA, and less than 0.01% the old fashioned way
• For our first IVF, Diver Dude's planned PESA had to be turned in to a TESA because no mature sperm were found in the epididymis and even then only a few swimmers were found in his testicles
• The IVF/ICSI+TESA gave us four blastocysts of excellent quality - the first transfer resulted in a BFP only to be followed by a heart breaking miscarriage at 6 weeks, the second transfer gave us a nothing but a shadow of a second line, and the two remaining blasts resulted in a cancelled FET when they against all odds didn't survive the thaw
Surprise natural pregnancies might happen to other infertile couples but clearly no such thing could happen to us.

And yet, here I am.
20 weeks pregnant against all odds.
Miracles do happen.

I am that woman.

Welcome all you lovelies visiting from ICLW, I can't wait to get to know you! 
If you'd like to know more about me and this crazy story (there's so much more to it) feel free to prowl around previous posts :)

Lots of love,
Circus Princess

It's still dark...

...outside my window and I'm still snuggled up under the covers. Diver Dude just left with coffee in hand after giving me a big kiss and the house is quiet. Bubba is stretching and poking my insides and I have a big smile on my face. For the first time in a few weeks my back is feeling great thanks to a folded tempurpedic pillow top and a surrounding wall of pillows. Only thing missing is a pea under the mattress :)
Today is going to be a great day!