A trip to the Mother Land

Right now I've got two loads of laundry going, two bags spread out on the bed and a very impatient dog pacing through the house. Tomorrow morning we're heading to Sweden to spend a week with the family. I feel unbelievably fortunate to be able to see them as often as we do, there was a time not too long ago when once a year was all we could manage.

Most of the family, except Mamma, Pappa and Sister & Co, believes we're coming home to do our second round of IVF. This Saturday we have planned a big family dinner to reveal or "little secret" and I can't wait to see their faces! Promise to tell you all about it when we get back.

Now I better take my pooch for a walk before he creates a pacing path in the wooden floor.

Aloha :)

12 weeks and we're all mmkay!

Huge sigh of relief! All is well in babyville! I weighed in at 164 lbs, 1 lb less than where I started. Good news considering I hope to pack on a hefty amount of baby weight in the near future :) Baby's heart was found without too much fuzzing around with the doppler and was beating at a beautiful 166 b/min. Go Bubba!! 

I'm starting to think this might actually be happening. For real. I mean, we may actually get to bring home a healthy baby in March. WOW. Butterflies are still going nuts in my belly, but this time they're of a much happier variety.

We've decided not to do the NT scan or the blood test to check for chromosomal abnormalities for a couple of different reasons. First of all, should they find something to indicate a problem we feel we'd be adding unnecessary stress since we would not consider termination. Second, if there is a problem we'll most likely find out anyway at our 20-22 week scan. I know this can seem archaic to some, but we feel it's the right decision for us. This way, should there be a problem, we'll still have plenty of time to make the extra preparations to add this child to our family.

My next scan will be in a month. I asked for an extra scan to make sure my beaten up cervix can take the extra pressure. An extensive cone biopsy to remove malignant cells in 2001 and a polypectomy in 2009 is what's causing us to take these precautionary measures. I'm thinking long and closed, long and closed.

Today I've entered the 12th week and the future is looking bright enough to wear sunglasses.

Butterflies

are going crazy in my belly. Flapping their wings and stirring things up. In two hours I've got an appointment with Dr. Swedish to check on Bubba. Hopefully today we'll be able to hear that beautiful little heart beat on a doppler.

I'm nervous and anxious, haven't slept well in two nights and battling a splitting head ache. Please let everything be OK. Mmkay!

A different kind of WTF-meeting

You may remember that I sent an email in June to the Swedish Clinic with 101 questions in preparation for the start of our upcoming second IVF Circus this fall. When I hadn't heard back a week later I called and talked to my favorite Nurse Inga but got a less than fuzzy feeling about coming back. Anyway, when she couldn't answer all my questions she set up a phone consult - a WTF-meeting - with Dr. Boss Lady. Last week Thursday was when that meeting was scheduled. Yup, it took a month and a half to even get to speak to her on the phone (vacation is Sweden is a subject for a whole different post).

The phone rang at four o'clock and after the initial greetings and polite small talk about summer Dr. Boss Lady started out by apologizing for not getting back to me sooner and for not replying to the email. She then continued by saying she'd love to go over the email since she now had it in front of her. -Well, I said, we've actually had something pretty amazing happen to us this summer. I paused and waited for a reaction and she immediately said: - Don't tell me you've gotten pregnant on your own? I told her that we had indeed gotten a surprise BFP early July, that I was almost ten weeks pregnant and that we had seen a strong heartbeat at six and eight weeks. The other end of the phone went silent. After a while I said - Hello? - and heard her clear her voice and start talking almost like to herself. -It's just unbelievable, but I guess just because I didn't find any sperm in the epididymis during PESA that doesn't mean one couldn't have snuck through at a later point. But, WOW, out of all my patients... I would've never thought.... WOW. Well, congratulations!!! That's just fantastic!! I couldn't help but smile when I told her that I really hoped I wouldn't have to see her again any time soon. She laughed and made me promise to send pictures when the little miracle is born and to please come back if we ever want to try for a sibling. And suddenly the warm fuzzy feeling came back and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for what we'd been through.

This was one WTF-meeting where the abbreviation got a different meaning all together. This was a "What? That's Fantastic!" -meeting :) and I wish somehow all WTF-meetings could be just that.

FYI, the shoes in my last post are from Rieker - totally the most awesome shoes ever!!

Back-ache fashionista and a popping feeling

Over the past few months I've been blessed with very few, and all minor, pregnancy symptoms. 

• Boobs have been sore off and on (and every time the soreness goes away for a few days I panic)

• Nausea that have been more like mild motion sickness

• Dull crampy feeling in uterus

• LOTS of discharge (followed by many frantic dashes to the bathroom to check color and consistency)

• Burping that puts burly men to shame

• Hunger attacks that border on nausea

• Lovely metallic taste in my mouth that won't go away regardless of how much Scope I use 

But the last two weeks something feels like it's being pinched in the lower left side of my back/butt. Several times I've found myself "stuck" on the toilet unable to get up and instead having to crawl on to the bathroom floor and get up with the help of a sink or bathtub. And this morning when I tried to get my walking shoes on I could not find a way of tying them up. Not sitting down, not leaning over, not even with my legs bent and angled out to the sides while sitting on the floor. So today, in the rain, through the fields and muddy streets, I walked Kona wearing these:

Easy to get on and off, and stylish too. Not quite so white anymore though...

This morning when I was eating breakfast, comfortably seated in my favorite leather chair, cat purring in my lap - shhhh, don't tell Diver Dude - I suddenly felt something odd. It was as if three little bubbles burst inside babyville - and as I felt the pop-pop-pop, Meow-girl actually turned and gave me a puzzled look. I've never felt anything similar in my life and although I know it's waaaaay too early - 10w4d today - I'm absolutely convinced it was Bubba moving. In reality it was probably a fart trapped sideways, but it put a big silly smile on my face. 

Why I live where I live

A few weeks ago Miss Ruby had a post about what she calls home and how she ended up in that particular place in the world. With readers from around the globe from different walks of life she's curious to find out how we all found our current home, or if maybe our home found us.
Today I'm happy to be her first guest in this traveling questionnaire.

If you'd like to share your story, please email dearmissruby@gmail.com.

Lady Merlin's Wall

Last week me and Diver Dude had our final joint session with Lady Merlin. The time before I had told her about Diver Dude's change of heart and this time we had even more surprising news for her. It was a great session, lots of small talk, laughter, and some good advise on how to handle the "telling" with Diver Dude's daughters.

Lady Merlin told us she was pleased with our progress and that she was very happy for us. She also told us that this isn't the first time she's had a couple going through ART spontaneously get pregnant while in her care. She told us about the wall of photos in her London office with babies that were supposed to have been ART-babies but are in fact "miracle"babies. "The mind-body connection works in mysterious ways" she said with a sly smile and continued to tell us how when you truly let go and free your mind, magic things can happen.

I don't know what to think. Part of me hates the similarities with the over-used, nonchalant advise of "Just relax, and it will happen", and part of me can't help but see the interesting contradiction in the statement. You can't relax with the purpose of wanting to have a child. It's impossible. But, somehow, in the midst of one of the hardest times in my life, my mind was forced open by something more terrifying than the fear of never having a child and relaxed. And something very similar must've happened to Diver Dude when he changed his mind that morning.

In my mind I've gone over all the things that changed in our lives since last year when Diver Dude was diagnosed with azoospermia and we went through the IVF. Everything from eating habits and work-out routines to social networks and states of mind. What did we do differently? Diver Dude quit chewing tobacco on New Year's Eve. When we were in Jamaica in January we both smoked some pakalolo - first time in 30 years for Diver Dude, 7 for me. There were a lot of trying times - the miscarriage and two failed FETs followed by the crisis when Diver Dude called it quits - but there were good times too. Moments of true connection, love and adventure. Spiritually things changed for me. I found a voice. I'm not sure how else to explain that.

I know, I'm over-thinking and over-analyzing this miracle that has happened. I should just shut up and be grateful.
I am. Shutting up. And I am so very, very grateful.

I hope we get a chance to add Bubba to Lady Merlin's Wall of Miracles. Nine weeks and five days today.

Two peas in a pod

No, I'm not having twins (as far as I know) but it looks like our baby will have the next best thing to a twin.

My sister called me up yesterday and asked if I had time to Skype. I said sure, hung up, and went downstairs to start up the computer. As I sat there my mind was trying to jump the gun. We had talked only a few days ago, and nothing required a follow-up call... I had told her about a dream I had about her expecting a baby girl that was due a month after mine... ! ... ?

She popped up on the contact list and shortly after I saw her sweet face. She said "Hey sis', guess what?", I tried not to yell WHAT, WHAT and drown out what came next, "I'm pregnant!". I started clapping my hands together like a moron, screaming and laughing. "Yeah, can you believe it, I peed on a stick this morning, and it looks like I'll have a baby about a month after you". Cue more screaming and clapping on my side. I quickly calculated her due date to be April 12, 2011 before Mamma came on with a big smile on her face and said "Looks like next summer's gonna be a busy one".

I can't tell you how excited I am to be able to go through this with my sister. When she was pregnant with Nephew, me and Diver Dude had just started trying and while her belly was growing bigger mine stayed painfully empty. This time our bellies will grow in sync and we can be fat together :)

Systrami - Jag älskar dig, and I hope our children get to experience some of the wonderful friendship and unconditional love we share.