Wordless Wednesday

Or since I'm a day late and not really not using any words, Few Words Thursday.

And this is where we'll be this weekend.

I'm super excited. 

No, I'm SUPER EXCITED!! 

Promise to tell you all about it when we get back :)

One day at a time

"Where do you see yourself a year from now?" Diver Dude asked me out of the blue on Friday night.
I looked over at him standing with a camping chair in one hand and a beer in the other and stumbled over my words when I answered. "Well, um, I'm here in England, I have a job I like and make decent money, I strive to experience every day to the fullest, appreciate all that I have and to be happy... and hopefully I'm pregnant."

Diver Dude listened and nodded his head but just as I was about to return the question our neighbor walked over to invite us over for a bbq. So we chatted with him for a while, ordered food from our favorite indian restaurant and went about our night until I remembered half way through dinner. "What about you, where do you see yourself a year from now?"

Diver Dude gave me a crooked smile and said he was just waiting for me to ask. He told me he wants to stay here in England, that he hopes his job will get better, and that he seconds my thoughts on seizing the day. Then he said: "It makes it so hard to tell you this, because I love you, and you're my best friend, but I can't commit to having a child with you right now". He also said that at times he feels like the best thing to do would be to "set me free" so I can find somebody else to have babies with.

And for the first time I was able to talk to him without having my vision blurred by tears or my words jumbled by sobbing. I told him that I think it's childish and self centered to think that he's replaceable, that I want a family with him, and that the only other option for me is to have a child on my own. I explained to him about the biological time issue, the fact that I may only have a couple of years left to become a mother. I explained that what hurts most about this isn't that I might never have a child with him, but that he's not willing to give us a chance to be parents. I told him again how much I love him. I told him that I'm willing to give him some time and that I hope he'll be able to reconnect with the part of him that wants a second chance at fatherhood.

He then asked if it would be okay to just take it one day at a time for now. I said yes. We hugged and we kissed, turned on a good movie and gathered our pets around us in the couch and just enjoyed the rest of the night. Because if you just take one day at a time, you can't worry too much about the future.

I hope you dance

I'm allowed. Allowed to long for a child, and to want to become a mother. Allowed to dream of a family of my own, and to hope that this family will start with Diver Dude and me.


I'm not allowed to label myself the victim and Diver Dude the bad guy. If I do, Diver Dude may, friends and family might, and most likely it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. You see, if you're wearing brown socks but everyone around you keeps telling you they're blue, soon you'll start to question weather your socks are really brown. I am not a victim and Diver Dude is not a bad guy.

If I say these things out loud, it makes me feel stronger. It makes it hard to feel sorry for myself.


I'm working on centering myself and focusing on who I am. Somehow along the way in our marriage I started leaning, and a couple of months ago I actually tumbled over. Unfortunately the same holds true for Diver Dude, and in spite of our best intentions, instead of helping each other get back on our feet in a balanced way, we keep pushing each other over.


So I'll just pick myself up and wait for him to do the same. When he does I'll be here to greet him with strong open arms. I'd like to think of it as asking him to dance. An invitation from one individual to another to move together as one. It may take some work to make it flow and toes may be stepped on occasionally, but when we dance it'll all be worth it.

I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

Lee Ann Womack - I hope you dance

Centering myself

Lots of things are happening over here but I need to organize my thoughts... In the meantime I'll leave you with a couple of event nuggets. 

• I've had two great sessions with Lady Merlin, one I left bawling my eyes out, the other with a big smile on my face.

• My parents have been here for ten days and I've gained a whopping five pounds. Grunt. I blame Mamma's cooking.

• Diver Dude is back from his trip to the states a new man. Stronger, sexier and with an open mind. 

• I've found a central piece of me that I didn't realize I had lost in the first place.

I'll be back to explain (or possibly add even more confusion) later. First I have to go spit out the gallon of teeth whitening gunk I have in my mouth. Loads of kisses to you my ladies!

Three days

It might not sound like much. How much silly hope can you accumulate in three days?
Now that it turns out the universe was just finding another way of fcking with me, too much.

Un-dear Bloody Monster,

Welcome you old beotch. 

Next time you're late, you're fired!

Furiously,

Circus Princess

Dear Bloody Monster.

Please don't play tricks on me. I don't think I can take it.
You see, my stupid naive mind lets hope seep in.
And I don't feel strong enough to handle the disappointment.

You're never late.
Why now?

If this isn't the sign of a miracle, get your ass over here ASAP!

Respectfully,
Circus Princess

The story of us - part 2

In an effort to try and get some perspective on things I thought it'd be a good time to continue the saga of Circus Princess and Diver Dude. In case you missed part 1, get that story here.


Back in Sweden after almost three years in Hawaii, Circus Princess tried to make a life for herself but her heart just wasn't in it. She applied for a dozen jobs, redecorated her parents house completely and tried to figure out how to ignore the way her heart ached from missing Diver Dude.

It was impossible. Instead, her longing grew stronger with every phone call they shared. They talked about politics, religion, life and love. And somewhere in one of their endless conversations a plan started taking shape.

It was a wild and crazy plan. A plan that would make their friends and family gasp with disbelief. But it was the only plan that would give them a chance to be together. The one thing that would enable them to figure out if their love was meant to be.

Three months after Circus Princess had left Honolulu, Diver Dude got on a plane to Sweden. When Circus Princess saw him in the crowd of arriving visitors at the airport she knew in her heart that their plan would be worth it no matter what the outcome would be. And in a cabin by the sea that dark autumn night, Diver Dude asked Circus Princess to be his wife. There were no rings, just a roaring fire, a man on his knees and a woman with a big smile on her face confidently nodding her head.

The ten days they spent together in Sweden were filled with a mix of wild passion and frenetic planning. A trip to the american embassy in Stockholm made it clear that the original plan of getting a fiancée visa would keep them apart another six months, a trip to the jewelers equipped them with engagement bands with the latin words Amor Fati - destiny of love - and a stop at the travelers office turned Circus Princess into a future american tourist with a hidden agenda.

Two months later a trembling Princess stood with an immigration officer in Seattle with her left hand concealed under the desk. When the sound of inked rubber on passport pages reached her ears she knew that only a short flight separated her from the man that would soon become her husband.

With a lei of purple orchids and a big white smile, Diver Dude received her at the airport. With a house filled with lit candles and rose petals leading the way upstairs he welcomed his Princess home.

Less than a month later Diver Dude and Circus Princess stood barefoot on the beach promising to love and honor each other for all days of their life. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. And to let love be their destiny.

to be continued...