I looked over at him standing with a camping chair in one hand and a beer in the other and stumbled over my words when I answered. "Well, um, I'm here in England, I have a job I like and make decent money, I strive to experience every day to the fullest, appreciate all that I have and to be happy... and hopefully I'm pregnant."
Diver Dude listened and nodded his head but just as I was about to return the question our neighbor walked over to invite us over for a bbq. So we chatted with him for a while, ordered food from our favorite indian restaurant and went about our night until I remembered half way through dinner. "What about you, where do you see yourself a year from now?"
Diver Dude gave me a crooked smile and said he was just waiting for me to ask. He told me he wants to stay here in England, that he hopes his job will get better, and that he seconds my thoughts on seizing the day. Then he said: "It makes it so hard to tell you this, because I love you, and you're my best friend, but I can't commit to having a child with you right now". He also said that at times he feels like the best thing to do would be to "set me free" so I can find somebody else to have babies with.
And for the first time I was able to talk to him without having my vision blurred by tears or my words jumbled by sobbing. I told him that I think it's childish and self centered to think that he's replaceable, that I want a family with him, and that the only other option for me is to have a child on my own. I explained to him about the biological time issue, the fact that I may only have a couple of years left to become a mother. I explained that what hurts most about this isn't that I might never have a child with him, but that he's not willing to give us a chance to be parents. I told him again how much I love him. I told him that I'm willing to give him some time and that I hope he'll be able to reconnect with the part of him that wants a second chance at fatherhood.
He then asked if it would be okay to just take it one day at a time for now. I said yes. We hugged and we kissed, turned on a good movie and gathered our pets around us in the couch and just enjoyed the rest of the night. Because if you just take one day at a time, you can't worry too much about the future.
