I'm asking

for a big favor by a small gesture of compassion.
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing tomorrow, I'm asking you to take a minute of your busy day and cross your fingers and hearts for this little life to have a chance.
I'm desperate.
I really need this to work.

I love all of you beautiful, strong, amazing women. Thank you for being who you are.

Wandypalooza

When your left ovary is of the shy, seclusive kind, and said ovary is the one in charge this month, trying to find it can be very interesting. And not in a good way. It took Dr. Boss Lady and her partner Mr. Wand a good 10 minutes with the old crappy u/s machine and another 15 minutes with the high tech machine before she was able to confirm ovulation.

I feel slightly molested.

But lining looks good and ovulation was confirmed so the transfer is on for Tuesday afternoon. So it's all good. Even the fact that I'm walking around looking like I've got a ball stuck between my legs.

I should be excited but honestly I'm just tired and wish I was with my Diver Dude.

On top of what's going on with Little Man Chevy, there's been a major misunderstanding between Diver Dude and Party Girl (his oldest daughter). I don't want to go into any details but so many hurtful words have been spoken by his daughter that I have to bite my tounge and sit on my hands not to get involved. Behind her words I hear her mothers voice. We just need to figure out how to turn the situation around before it gets any more out of hand.

Right now I just need some sleep. And a whole lot of positive vibes.

Going Rogue

No, it has nothing to do with Sarah Palin. I'm talking about going rogue during our FET au natural. Feel free to yell at me at any point.

You see, I spoke to Dr. Boss Lady last week. I asked a million questions. Questions like: What went wrong? Should we try something different? Why have 3 out of 4 beautiful blasts not made it? She had one answer: "We simply haven't gotten to the right embryo".
Sigh.

Swedes in general are a trusting people. Especially when it comes to medical care. But I've lived in the land of "question everything" too long to just accept a simple "leave it to chance" answer. Even if I should. Even when Dr. Boss Lady started getting slightly annoyed.
I asked her about doing immunology testing and she said they simply don't do that unless you've had three miscarriages. I asked if she thought my period being two days late and the "invisaline" on HPT 10dp5dt could be an indication of a chemical pregnancy. She said there's no way to find out and she doesn't recommend an HCG-test, "just wait and see if you ovulate this month". I asked what she thought about my BBT not going down as much as expected when I started bleeding. She asked why I was charting and told me to stop it. I asked about putting me on a low dose of aspirin, she said it would be "like shooting in the dark".
Insert me banging my head against the wall.

In spite of everything else that's going on in our life Diver Dude convinced me that we should just go ahead with embaby #3 this month. So I'm getting right back up in the saddle again. And I plan to hang on for dear life. I'm hoping to get a positive OPK sometime tomorrow or Wednesday, leave for Sweden Wednesday night, u/s to confirm ovulation on Friday and ET end of this month. Crazy. I know.

And after some consideration I might just go rogue and take baby aspirin in spite of what Dr. Boss Lady says. 'Cause I don't mind shooting in the dark if it gives me a better chance of actually hitting the target. Am I being crazy?

Little Man Chevy

My littlest bonus grandson is not doing so good. He's been having trouble eating and keeping down food since the day he was born and have been in and out of the hospital every week. Last week he finally met with a neurosurgeon and was diagnosed with craniosynostosis. He will be going through surgery some time early next month and will most likely spend a good part of his first months wearing a helmet. More surgeries are likely to follow to reshape his cranium and eye sockets. We don't know yet when and for how long we'll be able to go over and lend a helping hand but Diver Dude is worried sick and just wants to leave today and stay however long it takes. Being this far from J-girl and her family is really rough in times like this. If you're the praying kind please include him in your prayers and if you're not some good vibes and happy thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I've been tentatively cleared to go ahead with our FET this month. We will hopefully get the final approval from Dr. Boss Lady on Thursday. But that's all up in the air while we wait to hear about J-girl's little guy.


One day at the time. One foot in front of the other.

Four letter words

There, I said it. Now that that's out of the way I'll try to regroup and think of something nicer to say.

I had a long talk with Diver Dude last night over beef Wellington, red wine and tears. I love that man to pieces. He may be a hairy biker hard-ass military man, but boy does he have a big heart. When faced with my blubbering mess of fear, disappointment and what-if's he simply asked me to take one day at the time and to just get back in the saddle (or stirrups) as soon as possible. I was surprised at how calm it made me to think about our next attempt and at the amount of hope I still have. Because I do still think this will work. I have to. And I will get back on that stupid horse again as soon as my RE will let me.

I'll have my WTF conversation with Dr. Boss Lady sometime early next week and I've prepared a few questions for her:
• Delayed period and a very faint line on HPT at 10dp5dt - could it mean chemical pregnancy?
• If so, do I need to check HCG?
• When can we give it another shot?
• 3 out of 4 blasts have failed, 1 m/c, 1 chemical/failure to implant and 1 didn't survive the thaw. Any thoughts?
• What, if anything can we do differently?
• Would you consider putting me on a low dose of aspirin?

Can you ladies think of anything else?

Now I intend to inhale a few cleaning products, drag the vacuum cleaner around the dust bunnies, walk the pooch and start packing my bags for our road trip tomorrow. First stop is Tattershall Castle.

There it was

a speck of blood in my white panties. In combination with this morning's small drop in temperature and another lonely single line on the hpt, I knew what it meant. It's over.
Diver Dude heard my loud sniffle and came in to see what was wrong and found me crying like a baby hunched over on the toilet seat. He got down on his knees and held me while stroking my hair. Told me he loved me and that he was sorry.
As I'm searching for words to describe how I feel, every single one I can think of consist of four letters so I better not write anything else right now.

White spaces and high temperatures

Shouldn't go together, right? I'm starting to think Dr. Jaws (new doc at ET this time) had a good point when he adviced me not to test until the 14th. Because this is torture. I got up this morning thinking that today I'd get a nice second line on my cheapo test or a drop in temp to signal the arrival of the Bloody Monster. Instead I get a white space (with something of a shadow or an illusion of a line) and a slightly elevated temp...
Trying to be patient, but this "no beta business" is driving me bonkers!

Since I don't have a good enough scanner or camera to capture the "invisa-line" I'll just post my chart this month for you to help me analyze...

9dp5dt

No symptoms.
No Bloody Monster.
No second line.
Unless I stare at it for a very long time.
Then maybe there's something very faint there.
Or maybe I'm just imagining things.

Ice Skater on board

Due to a sea of melting snow and spotty internet I haven't been able to keep you up to date, but all is well in circus land.
I just got back from Gothenburg with a little Ice Skater on board. It's a little surreal since my body's in it's normal state of self. It's not bruised from daily shots and have no pills shoved up any orifices. In other words I've got nobody to blame for pontential hormonal rages but me. Todays transfer was as close to a natural conception you'd get in a sterile room with two strangers and your mother.

Yes, Mamma got to be in the room with me and witness the magic of seeing the little skater first as a close-up on the flatscreen and then on the u/s as he/she slid through the catheter on to his/her stage in my womb. She loved it and got so excited she completely blew her one task of photographing the little guy. Oh, well :)

Unfortunately we lost the first one of our embryos in the defrosting process. When they thawed our day 5 blast, it didn't look good and it arrested shortly after. The one I have on board now is one of our day 6 blasts, and the other one is still frozen. It's sad but I'd rather this happen than have it transferred only to have it stop developing inside of me. Hopefully our ice skater is a fighter with olympic skills and will continue to develop nicely in his/her new home for the next nine months or so.

I missed my Diver Dude terribly today. He should've been there next to me holding my hand and witnessing the miracle that took place in that small hospital room. I sent him a text after the transfer to tell him all went well and skyped him as soon as I got home. He made me feel loved and missed and even made me laugh with crazy camera filters. He asked me to take good care of his spawn :)

Wednesday is my Farmor's funeral and I'll be 3 days in to my 2WW. Life and death all weaved into one.

Smile, you're on CD 15!

CD 14 - 6am - Negative
CD 14 - 4pm - Negative... Is that second line getting darker?
CD 14 - 10pm - POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!
And this morning I confirmed with the fancy-schmancy test and was greated by a smiley face!

Thank you ladies for all your encouraging words and advise, you helped me stay on the saner side of crazy :) Funny what stress can do to you, I don't think I have ever ovulated this late, day 14 has always been O-day for me.

I have my next u/s to check lining on Friday and if all looks good in baby-ville the transfer will happen Monday afternoon. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I'm now back to thinking FET au naturel is da bomb!

Desperately searching for a Smiley Face

CD12 - OPK negative
CD13 - OPK negative...?
CD14 - OPK.......negative!?!?
I'm starting to freak out. Normally I ovulate like clock work on CD14 and that means the LH surge should have been indicated on CD13. But there was nothing. nada. zilch.
My mind is searching for possible explanations: Did I ovulate early CD12 and miss the surge (slight rise in temp on CD13). Am I late this month? Or worst option of all, did I not ovulate this month at all?!?
So much for peace of mind this cycle :(
FET au naturel is more stressful than I could imagine!

Please ol-bod-o-mine, cooperate!

A gold star for my follie

I'm so proud of my A+ follie that behaved like a champ for Dr. Doodle yesterday. Luckily the lead follicle is on the right side since my leftie was her usual shy, hiding self. It measured 13mm on CD 11, and I officially started OPKing this morning (unofficially I have been peeing on sticks since CD9). Hoping to see that Smiley Face* tomorrow morning! I'm supposed to call the clinic when I get a positive, come back two days later to check that I actually ovulated, and 6 days after positive I'll be boarding one of our little ice skaters. FET au naturel is da shit!
I asked Dr. Doodle about the quality of our blasts and he smiled and said "they're as good as they get, you were really lucky to get four excellent blasts". He also told me they're very picky with the blasts they freeze because they want to keep their FET success rates as good as the fresh cycle. Music to my ears!

I feel surprisingly hopeful about this cycle. Relaxed, happy and optimistic. I am however well aware that in this circus things happen fast and that being thrown between extreme emotions without warning is more a rule than exception, so all I can do is enjoy this current peace of mind :)

Hanging out with Louise-in-the-middle was awesome. We had lunch, did some retail therapy and she came with me to my appointment. Our conversation flowed easily about everything from olympic medals, new donor lists and tougher topics like our resent losses. It's so rare to talk to somebody that actually understands and I cherished every moment. Thank you L, for an awesome day!

Last night we got another feet of snow so I've spent the morning shoveling snow. Who needs aerobics or step when you've got snow! Expecting a very sore upper body tomorrow :)

*LH surge on Clearblue's OPKs

27 days

since last I saw The Bloody Monster. She deserves a gold star for not taking a long break or acting too strange after the m/c. I'm also pretty sure I ovulated around the 1st, when I had the unmistakable tugging/pinching feeling in my left ovary.

 

So... it looks like I'll be ready to board one of our ice skaters in February. How exciting is that? And how terrifying? Scary as it may be, I am ready. Physically and emotionally. At peace with the m/c and ready for a new beginning.

I'm happy to be doing a natural FET and I'm hoping my body will handle a pregnancy better without the added stress of extra hormones. Hoping there will be a pregnancy to "handle" of course. With all my heart. 

Since we're doing a FET au natural I need to start charting and OPTing again. I just ordered 50 OPT El Cheapo online so I don't have to be bashful about how many days or times a day I test. And I get to practice this month. Practice makes perfect me thinks. 

I've been thinking a lot about weather or not to tell the world about this FET. When we did our IVF/ICSI we told everyone and his uncle. We told family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, pub owners, kennel staff and even the cashiers at bloody Sainsbury's. We were just so excited and hopeful and wanted to share our circus experience with as many people as possible. 

But that openness brought an unexpected darker side. Having to tell everybody about loosing the acrobat. And being open in a time of sorrow is so much harder than when you're hoperful and excited. 

For my birthday in November we all went to our local pub/restaurant for dinner and the owner and Diver Dude were joking about how poorly planned my birthday was since I couldn't drink. Congratulations were given to celebrate both my birthday and the new pregnancy. Last Friday we went back for the first time since. It was the last hurdle to get over after the m/c for me. Diver Dude knew about my worry and promised to support me. He was the one to go up to the bar and order "a Guiness for me and a glass of Merlot for my wife". He was the one who met the sad but politely smiling look of the owners wife. I watched at a safe distance and when she looked over at me with an uncertain smile I gave her a slight nod a crooked smile. And that was that. The last one to know. Now life goes on.

In a way I think it has helped me that everybody knew what was going on. I could be honest about the sadness I felt. I never felt isolated in my pain, and never felt like I had to hide anything. Not that I didn't want to at times. But I think it forced me to deal with all the emotions right away, and I think it made me stronger. Because being able to show weakness can make you stronger.

So I think that also this time we'll talk openly about our experience, but keep it to family and friends. I don't think the mailman or the baker needs to know about our impending baby making.