Hopes for today

Today I applied for a job.  When I sent in the CV tears was dripping down my keyboard. 


When we moved to England a year and a half ago our mutual plan was to "focus on having a family". The plan was for me to stay home and take time to start fertility treatments in Sweden and for Diver Dude to work, make lots of money and start his second career. 


Today I don't know what the plan is. All I know is that Diver Dude and I don't share the same hopes and dreams anymore. 


I'm so filled with sadness I don't even know where to turn, how to begin, or what to end. I miss my husband. I miss the child we lost before we could hold it. I miss the happy, naive person I used to be.


Today my littlest bonus-grandson is having major surgery to correct his craniosynostosis. 


I'm afraid to hope for anything good. It seems like lately when I wish or hope for something, things turn out going in the complete opposite direction.


Please let today turn out the best way possible.

Grasping for straws

You ladies are wonderful. Reading your comments on my last post made me feel all warm inside. Thank you for helping me stay positive through these weeks of violent roller coaster rides between hope and despair. 

I'm still spotting. Possibly getting a little heavier. Tomorrow The Bloody Monster would rear her ugly head if this was a regular cycle for me... But it's not and Test Day is still four days away. 

I'm pretty sure it's not implantation bleeding. Or could it still be? Could it be my body's way of adjusting to a little acrobat settling and burrowing in snugly? Could it be that I'm shedding the exess lining that was built up by the extra hormones? Could it be the progesterone suppositories irritating the area and causing the spotting? Could it be that IVF patients generally spot?

Or could it simply be that this little one didn't stick?

I'm normally not the praying kind but I'm grasping for straws here. 

Dear Mr Circus Director, 

Please could you find it in your great big heart to give us the gift of life. 

Would you please help us create, nurture and add a child to our family. 

I'm down on my knees, begging you, please.

Circus Princess