Shock!

Yesterday was the day the doctors shocked Diver Dude's heart.
One time - "CLEAR"- and his heart rhythm was a beautiful consistent beat again. Seeing the slow, constant beating of Diver Dude's heart on the EKG reminded me of the joy we felt the first time we saw the quick flutter of Bubba's little heart almost a year ago. Perfection.
Diver Dude told me this morning that for the first time in a long time he could hear his heart beat when laying on his pillow last night. And that the sound that used to annoy him and keep him from going to sleep now was the most soothing and beautiful thing he ever heard :)

No more of this please!

I ♥ sinus rhythm

Little Man Chevy is doing good

He went through several hours of surgery like a champ and although the original plan to have endoscopic surgery had to be scratched, he's doing fine. A little swollen apparently, but just fine. Now we hope for a successful and speedy recovery for the little guy and some peace and calm for his parents.

Tonight Diver Dude and I will meet our therapist for the first time. I hope she can give us some tools to deal with this emotional cluster fuck. I hope she waves her magical wand and makes everything alright. The least she can do is give us some kind of bulldozer to remove the damned pink elephant.

I can't take much more of this.

Do you think you could actually loose weight by puking up tears and snot. That would be something.

Just wanted to let you know how much it means to read your encouraging words and feel the warmth of your virtual hugs, you guys really help me get through the day. Thank you!

Somebody please pinch me

- Sweetie, I can't do this anymore.
His words hit me with the force of a hurricane. I looked into his eyes in search of a sign that he was joking. It was April Fool's after all. No such sign.

Diver Dude is telling me he can't take any more fertility treatments. The baby quest is over for him. He's telling me he's changed his mind. He can't continue with the three IVFs we originally decided to do. He's saying he's not willing to risk his existing family to start another. He's letting me know how deep Party Girl's words have dug the knife in his chest. He quotes her when he says he's not worth a second chance as a father.

I find myself falling. My head is spinning. I'm angry and I feel cheated. I feel like my life as I know it has been stolen from me. I'm in the middle of a night mare. Somebody please wake me up.

Calling a family counsellor today.