Three days

It might not sound like much. How much silly hope can you accumulate in three days?
Now that it turns out the universe was just finding another way of fcking with me, too much.

Un-dear Bloody Monster,

Welcome you old beotch. 

Next time you're late, you're fired!

Furiously,

Circus Princess

Dear Bloody Monster.

Please don't play tricks on me. I don't think I can take it.
You see, my stupid naive mind lets hope seep in.
And I don't feel strong enough to handle the disappointment.

You're never late.
Why now?

If this isn't the sign of a miracle, get your ass over here ASAP!

Respectfully,
Circus Princess

The story of us - part 2

In an effort to try and get some perspective on things I thought it'd be a good time to continue the saga of Circus Princess and Diver Dude. In case you missed part 1, get that story here.


Back in Sweden after almost three years in Hawaii, Circus Princess tried to make a life for herself but her heart just wasn't in it. She applied for a dozen jobs, redecorated her parents house completely and tried to figure out how to ignore the way her heart ached from missing Diver Dude.

It was impossible. Instead, her longing grew stronger with every phone call they shared. They talked about politics, religion, life and love. And somewhere in one of their endless conversations a plan started taking shape.

It was a wild and crazy plan. A plan that would make their friends and family gasp with disbelief. But it was the only plan that would give them a chance to be together. The one thing that would enable them to figure out if their love was meant to be.

Three months after Circus Princess had left Honolulu, Diver Dude got on a plane to Sweden. When Circus Princess saw him in the crowd of arriving visitors at the airport she knew in her heart that their plan would be worth it no matter what the outcome would be. And in a cabin by the sea that dark autumn night, Diver Dude asked Circus Princess to be his wife. There were no rings, just a roaring fire, a man on his knees and a woman with a big smile on her face confidently nodding her head.

The ten days they spent together in Sweden were filled with a mix of wild passion and frenetic planning. A trip to the american embassy in Stockholm made it clear that the original plan of getting a fiancée visa would keep them apart another six months, a trip to the jewelers equipped them with engagement bands with the latin words Amor Fati - destiny of love - and a stop at the travelers office turned Circus Princess into a future american tourist with a hidden agenda.

Two months later a trembling Princess stood with an immigration officer in Seattle with her left hand concealed under the desk. When the sound of inked rubber on passport pages reached her ears she knew that only a short flight separated her from the man that would soon become her husband.

With a lei of purple orchids and a big white smile, Diver Dude received her at the airport. With a house filled with lit candles and rose petals leading the way upstairs he welcomed his Princess home.

Less than a month later Diver Dude and Circus Princess stood barefoot on the beach promising to love and honor each other for all days of their life. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. And to let love be their destiny.

to be continued...

Can our love build a bridge over this canyon?

This Friday, the night before Diver Dude's two week trip to the U.S, we went down to London Gatwick for some much needed R&R. 

After a two hour drive in the company of our favorite comedy podcasters we checked in to our four star hotel and got ready for a romantic evening for two. We explored our surroundings and checked out the menus of the different restaurants available.We shared a bottle of Cabernet at the bar while giggling and making up possible stories for our fellow hotel dwellers. Our mood was up beat and giddy.

Later we sat down to enjoy a candle lit dinner at a french bistro. Conversation was smooth and we started talking about how we met, what we used to enjoy doing together. Diver Dude told me about his surprise when I fearlessly jumped up behind him on the fender of his Pit Bull chopper. I laughed at the memory of his license plate boldly exclaiming "NO WIFE". We talked about the endless rides we did around the island of Oahu. The sun, the hawaiian music and our rich social life.

Suddenly he says "I wouldn't mind going back one day". He continued saying how he'd consider moving back to Hawaii when he retires from his current career. How he'd golf all day and just enjoy the laid back life style. 

In an instant that possible future hit me. Ten years from now. The two of us, back in Paradise. Him retired and me, at the age of 45, back in a place I gave up to follow the man of my dreams. A life I gave up in pursuit of the possibility of having a family. Back with the same man but without any of those dreams. Back where we started. Without children and with an expired biological clock. And my heart became so heavy. My vision blurred with tears.

Still with a smile on his face he looked up from his plate to ask me what I thought of that.  I couldn't meet his eyes. I couldn't answer his simple question. He looked so hurt and puzzled when he discovered the change in my mood. But I couldn't explain. I couldn't tell him that the picture of this future he so optimistically painted sounded like a dark and scary place to me. 

I struggled to swallow my fear and stoically ignored the giant pink elephant on the table and changed subject. I asked him about his trip. What he's looking forward to doing while in San Diego. Places he'll go eat at. Old friends he's going to see. His daughter and grandkids. 

But in spite of my best effort, the rest of the evening that big pink intruder accompanied us in everything we did. It was a silent part of all our conversations. A big mountain between us in bed. It's presence made our good bye kiss seem cool and as Diver Dude walked away toward his gate it blocked my view.

If Diver Dude's decision to no longer pursue a family with me is final, I don't know how to get around it. If we don't share the same dreams anymore, how can we stay together? All the love in the world can't fix that. Can it?

No comment

Out of more than 200 friends, not a single person commented on my link to Keiko's video on facebook yesterday.

Not.
a.
single.
comment.

A lot of my friends and family know what we've been going through this past year but to most it would be news. I'm a little sad and somewhat surprised. Even made sure again today that the link actually works. It does. So I guess my big "outing" went by unnoticed. Not sure what I expected. I didn't think it would make headline news or anything, but I was expecting some sort of reaction.

I can only hope it touched somebody that just didn't know what to say but felt a little less alone.
It made me feel quite the opposite. Ouch.

What IF I posted this on facebook today?

Keiko at Hannah wept, Sarah laughed made this amazing video and I couldn't resist. I posted it in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week and all of us wondering What IF?. 

I guess I'm out of the closet to ALL my friends, family, stray co-workers, their dogs and their uncles. 

So there, What IF this week we all posted this on facebook? 

CLICK HERE to watch the video

Staying buzy

I just moved half a ton of dirt. With a tiny shovel and a wheel barrow. Therapeutic? I'm not sure. But all I can think about right now is the lower part of my back. So that's good. Kind of. I also have a very pretty back yard with freshly planted beautiful flowers. And that's good.

I'll just lay on my stretcher looking out at my lovely garden. Sipping some ice tea. Wait, there's nobody here to make me ice tea. Hello? Anybody there?