Circus Children

Chasing my dream

2012-01-21T03:56:00.000Z

Literally chasing my dream around the house.
A little over a week ago, at ten and a half months, Bubba started walking!
Life is good.
And so very, very busy.

Greetings from the Pacific Northwest

2011-10-09T04:27:00.001+01:00

Woah!

If someone suggested having a baby, moving across the Atlantic, renovating your house, and having your husband go through various cardio treatment in less than six months, I would laugh in their faces and strongly advise against it. It's been... well, it's been interesting. And exhausting.
At least we're all in one location, in one piece, and for now that's not bad. Not bad at all.

We all made it across the world in spite of a heat wave that restricted our pets from flying with us on the plane and an insane amount of bags which Diver Dude couldn't carry an inch. Thank goodness for porters and over priced cargo planes that carry pets.

Our house has all new floors and new molding. It also has no doors and is currently a bathroom short. It's still filled with unpacked boxes.

Bubba is crawling! And I have to follow him around like an undercover agent so he doesn't get into things he shouldn't. Let me tell you, the child can move! He's in a hurry to get anywhere fast and he's starting to pull himself up on whatever gets in his way without worry weather it will fall on him in the process. He leaves the worrying to his Mamma. He'll most likely be walking within a couple of months. I'm looking forward to that with an interesting mix of fear and pride.

Diver Dude has had two cardioversions since we got here and has his first consult for an ablation this month. It's such a relief to have him in the care of a passionate and competent cardiologist.

I have so much more to say about meeting old friends, sleepless nights, the joys of solid food and the impact of medication on your sex life but alas, I have no time.

Thanks to those who stopped by to make sure all's well! I still try to keep up on all your blogs but my commenting currently sucks a big fat one.

Sloppy kisses to all of you!

Aloha!

2011-07-29T21:23:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow night around this time we'll be back in the states. I'd lie if I said I was all excited. I am, a little, but also sad to move further away from my family and worried about the trip over. Worried about our pets who we've had to rerout due to severe heat and fork up an arm and a leg to fly (luckily they didn't ask for our first born). Worried about Diver Dude lifting stuff he shouldn't and hurt himself (he's back in afib:(. And worried about Bubba traveling that far. But we'll be ok. I'm sure I'm just a worry-wart. See you back in beautiful Washington state! Aloha!

A short post with good news

2011-07-06T21:29:00.002+01:00

Just a quick note from a gorgeous, warm Swedish summer evening.
Bubba had a name ceremony last Sunday and it was beautiful. Mini-Man was christened the same day - a double whammy if you will. Promise to post more details later.
Diver Dude had another cardioversion here in da Motherland and is back in sinus rhythm. Fingers crossed it stays that way! Toes crossed too for good measures.
Currently hanging out with Bubba at my parents cabin by the sea while Diver Dude is packing up our house in England for the big move back across the Atlantic. I feel slightly guilty. Slightly.

Having a glass of wine and enjoying the night. Lots of love to all of you.

One week

2011-06-20T18:58:00.000+01:00

One week of seeing my man filled with energy.
Of rediscovering that wild twinkle in his eyes.
Of getting reacquainted with the ants in his pants.
Of hearing him giggle like his little boy.
Of having my wonderful, strong husband back.
One week of sinus rhythm.

Yesterday he cleared out the space in the attic.
Did a lot of heavy lifting.
Had a beer and a cigar to celebrate Father's Day.
By the end of the day he was tired. Understandably so.

When he came home from work today he was still tired.
He protested when I brought out the stethoscope.
I listened to his heart anyway.
It's back.
After just one week the damned a-fib is back.
FUCK!!

Shock!

2011-06-14T10:54:00.001+01:00

Yesterday was the day the doctors shocked Diver Dude's heart.
One time - "CLEAR"- and his heart rhythm was a beautiful consistent beat again. Seeing the slow, constant beating of Diver Dude's heart on the EKG reminded me of the joy we felt the first time we saw the quick flutter of Bubba's little heart almost a year ago. Perfection.
Diver Dude told me this morning that for the first time in a long time he could hear his heart beat when laying on his pillow last night. And that the sound that used to annoy him and keep him from going to sleep now was the most soothing and beautiful thing he ever heard :)

No more of this please!

I ♥ sinus rhythm

The dog ate my blog (and all my comments)

2011-06-06T14:55:00.001+01:00

I don't seem to have much time to update this blog these days. Or comment. In my head I've written several posts and commented on a thousand posts. But that doesn't do much good does it? So I'll just blame the dog. It has nothing to do with a certain 13+lbs boy. Not at all.

So many things going on. Not sure where to start... Let's see...

• We went to Sweden for a week - traveling with Bubba was so much easier than expected - and the two peas finally got to meet. And Nephew got to hold his "Baby Max". It was beautiful.

Nephew, Mini-Man and Bubba

• We're moving back to the states. Soon. Like next month. I'm in denial.
We've got many reasons to move back, but Diver Dude's health is the main one. He needs to be in the hands of a good cardiologist in the states where we won't have to pay out the behind because of sucky insurance. We'll be moving back to our home and neither of us will have to work initially. We've decided to give ourselves up to a year to find work while we live off of D's retirement. I look forward to spending a lot of time together and for D to be there 24/7 for Bubba's first year.
I hate to think about moving away from Europe again, this time probably for good. I'll miss it so much. I'll miss being so close to my family. I get all teary eyed just thinking about it. Yuck!

Bubba's first passport is American. I'm currently working on getting him the Swedish one.

• Bubba is growing like a weed. He talks. He uses beautiful words like "aooouuuuneeeuwnew" and I'm in love. He sleeps through the night. Falls asleep in his own bed every night with a smile on his face after about an hour of nursing, singing and "talking story". The nightly crying spells disappeared over night when he was about two months old. I pinch myself every day and wonder how it's possible to love someone so much without bursting.

• While shopping for my sister and Mamma I got myself a Mother's Day present that I've had my eye on for a while. Found it here.

Now I'm off to find the mutt that ate the blog. And give him a wet kiss on the nose.

Three times the celebration.

2011-05-09T11:16:00.000+01:00

Being a Swede married to an American living in England can be thrilling at times, annoying some times and filled with adventure most of the time.

Living here also means I've been reminded of moms being celebrated three times every year. Once in April when the English celebrate "Mum's Day", once in May when it's American "Mother's Day", and finally once in June when it's Swedish "Mors Dag". It's been challenging to say the least. Until this year. When suddenly I'm one of the lucky ones. All because of this beautiful little boy.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you! Moms of all kinds - moms of young babies, grown babies, angel babies, fur babies and moms in waiting.

The other pea in the pod

2011-05-03T13:38:00.001+01:00

With all that's been going on lately I've completely forgotten to post about the birth of my beautiful new nephew Robin - Mini-Man. Born April 7th in a hurry with minor complications - placenta didn't deliver and they had to go in under anaesthesia and take it out - but baby and mama are both doing great. And Nephew is the proudest big brother you ever saw.

I can't wait for Bubba's passport to finally get here so we can fly over for a cuddle!

Stop and smell the roses

2011-04-29T09:48:00.003+01:00

This week we've gotten news that Diver Dude's heart is broken. It needs fixing. With lots of medication, electric shocks and hope.
He's been diagnosed with atrial fibrillation and dilated cardiomyopathy after having felt run down for several months. Basically his heart is beating irregularly and his left ventricle is dilated and not contracting properly.
It scares the living crap out of me.
I lay awake last night after the four o'clock feed listening to my two boys breathe next to me wondering how I could continue breathing if one of them weren't there.
Every moment together is precious.
Holding hands while brushing our teeth.
Laughing together when Bubba reaches for his toes.
Sharing a knowing look when hearing something we don't agree with.
We need to stop and smell the roses. And hope we have many, many moments left together.

Colic or missing notes?

2011-04-27T14:00:00.002+01:00

Every night, after having finished a much loved bath and other bedtime routines, starting at approximately eight o'clock, this is the scenario in our house:
Bubba: Fussing
Mamma: Whispering - Singing - Walking

Bubba: Crying
Mamma: Feeding - Singing - Rocking
Bubba: Screaming
Mamma: Bouncing - Swaying - Singing
Bubba: SCREAMING

Mamma: Feeding - Shushing - Caressing
Bubba: S-C-R-E-A-M-I-N-G
Mamma: Kissing - Swinging - Patting his butt
Bubba: SCREEEAAAAM-IIIIING

Mamma: Closing eyes - Breathing deeply - Resume singing
Bubba: Screaming
Mamma: Loving - Stroking - Talking softly
Bubba: Looking up
Mamma: Looking down - Smiling - Humming
Bubba: Smiling
REPEAT. FOR TWO HOURS.
Until finally the "breather smile" is followed by eyes slowly closing, a big sigh, and Bubba drifting off to sleep. My theory is that he simply has a hard time settling in at night, but could it be what they refer to as colic? Maybe it's my singing... Should've taken more singing lessons.

Luckily, after a full nights sleep, I wake up to this little sunshine :)

The Stockholm Syndrome

2011-04-05T11:43:00.002+01:00

I'm being held hostage by a very small man whom I've fallen madly in love with. This little guy does not lay down at all during the day. He likes to be carried, and held, and handled. If he's somehow in contact with one of us he can sleep through a thunderstorm, but as soon as you put him down in one of his cribs (he currently has three... long story) his big blue eyes instantly opens and he starts screaming. He wants boobs, now, no matter how long it's been since last he ate. You better believe BabyBjörn gets praise around here. So what if baby gets bread crumbs in his hair, at least I get to have breakfast. Me being able to sit down and write this is courtesy of said miracle sling.

So these past five weeks have been kind of a long snooze fest on the couch, while chores have been put way down on our list and Bubba is at the very top. Thank goodness for Miss Potter, our cleaning lady, who sweeps in once a week and keeps our dust bunnies at bay.
We have been able to go out to eat, go shopping, walk the dog, have visitors and visits to the doctor's, but most of the time we're simply being held hostage in the house :)

Bubba
• He's growing like a weed - back at his birthweight three days after birth and shocked the heck out of his Mamma and pediatrician. He's outgrown all of his newborn duds and is now sporting his new 0-3mo wardrobe.
• The first week home he had what we referred to as "birth-terror" episodes. Every night around the time he was born (23.29) he would scream inconsolably for about half an hour before he settled for the night. He still has a hard time calming down at night and usually fusses and screams for about an hour before sleeping for the night at around 22.00, once down he only wakes up to eat once at night.
• He's holding his head up and looks around with wide eyes, gives you wide toothless grins and loves being sung to. I do Swedish rhymes or lullabies and Diver Dude sings inappropriate Navy songs. Bubba prefers the Navy songs.
• He also loves being naked and bath time is greeted with much enthusiasm. Diver Dude thinks it's hilarious when his boy's boys hits his hand when he picks him up and accuses him of having more of an old man scrotum than he does.

The Princess
• I'm hungry all the time and have little time to eat so I eat whatever I can get my hands on at that moment. I swear I have more cravings now than when I was pregnant. For cake. And chocolate. And ice cream. It's a bloody miracle that I've lost so much weight. I'm actually five pounds lighter than when I got pregnant. Being a cow is the best diet ever!!
• I survived the first few weeks going to the bathroom with the help of a squirt bottle and 800mg of Motrin, tearing down under is no joke. But it seems to be healing nicely and I don't have any problems with it now, even dared to get frisky with Diver Dude two days ago when the lochia finally stopped. I'm not gonna lie, it burned a little, felt a little sore, but overall not a bad first time. It felt a little like loosing your virginity again. And with a baby that won't sleep unless he's on you, you need to get inventive.
• Found two stretch marks now that I can actually see the lower part of my abdomen, one by my appendix scar and one by a scar from removing a mole.
• Hemorrhoids magically - or rather tragically - appeared after the delivery and haunted me for almost three weeks. I've never been so scared of having to poo in my life!
And the boob job

• Thanks to a Jamaican night nurse at L&D who had a very hands on approach to teaching nursing techniques breast feeding is working like a charm. Bubba is a good little suckling and apparently my supply could feed the neighborhood kids too. No pain. No problems. Knock on wood.

• Bubba is very possessive of his boobs. The few times I've tried to pump while he's been sleeping soundly on his daddy he starts searching and grunting looking for his boob as soon as that first milk hits the bottle and won't stop until he gets some.

Diver Dude
• This man has grown so much these past weeks. He's so helpful, loving and supportive it makes my heart ache. Is it possible to love him any more?
• He has a hard time when Bubba's crying, he feels helpless, frustrated and unable to "fix it" because he lacks the right "equipment" to comfort.

I have so much more to say but my little hostage keeper is stirring and I better get this posted. Love to all of you who are still around to read this, and here's a cute pic of my babe as a reward for reading all through this jumbled mess of a post.

A rare moment of The Bubster sleeping alone.

Ode of my body

2011-03-26T16:33:00.001Z

Thank you dear body for working so well
thank you for giving me this miraculous story to tell

You who gave me a pregnancy as simple as a dance
and a delivery that was like taken out of a novel of romance

You who give me the strength to stay awake every night

and the amazing ability to get breast feeding right

Dear body that expanded and stretched for several months long

fitting into my skinny jeans after four weeks seems wrong

You extraordinary body that grew a new life

and added one more title to daughter, sister and wife

Thank you dear body for healing so fast
and thank you for making me a mother at last

The War Story

2011-03-11T11:53:00.001Z

Between getting to know Bubba, getting used to being a family of five, visits from family and friends, and settling in to my new role as a sleep deprived cow, I haven't found the time to put words to the birth of our baby boy. Now, while Bubba is sleeping in his stroller after a long walk and his first trip to the store, I'll try to get some of it down.

In list form, here's the story of the day our Bubba was born:

Sunday February 27, 2011
• I woke up with mild cramps, similar to menstrual cramps, but with more of a wave-like pattern.
• Went for a walk with Diver Dude and Kona and cramps turned into contractions every 5-10 min, whenever I had a contraction I would hang on to D's back, breathe, close my eyes and continue walking until it passed. Talked to the neighbors and felt normal between contractions.
• Took a warm bath and started timing contractions. D started tinkering with his motorcycle in complete denial of what was happening. Realized that contractions where 5-6 min apart, experienced a strange trickling sensation as if I was peeing with every contraction. Thought maybe my water was breaking...
• Called L&D and told them what was happening, explained that we live 45 min away. They told me to get in the car and head that way asap. Went out to tell Diver Dude who looked surprised and wondered if he could finish what he started. I told him he'd better help me finish packing our go-bag instead. Once he saw me having a contraction he started moving without arguing further.
• Drove down to RAF Lakenheath around 16.00 and stopped for lunch at Burger King. One Whopping burger with fries and a strawberry milkshake, and what felt like a million contractions later we checked into L&D.
• They checked my contractions that came regularly every 3-5 min, made sure Bubba's heart rate was good and then went on to check my cervix.
• 2 cm - WTF?!? - and 90% effaced - We were told to walk around the parking lot for two hours and come back.
• We walked, me hanging on to D with every contraction, and walked, and walked. The parking lot was freezing so we soon moved into the warmer corridors of the hospital and walked some more.
• At 19.00 sharp, we where back at the reception asking to be checked again. This time we got better news, I was at 3-4 cm, 100% effaced, and got checked in to the last L&D room available.
• Contractions picked up intensity and I was happily following the progress with nice breaks in between. Watched Knight & Day and relaxed. Thought about taking a shower and held off on the IV for that reason. Drank water like it was going out of style.
• 22.00 - Suddenly became violently nauseous. Saw the Whopper and strawberry shake for the second time that day - a lot less appetizing this time around. Asked to get hooked up to the IV after brushing my teeth, so I wouldn't have to think about drinking so much water.
• 22.40 - With a very strong contraction I felt a bubble down below that burst with a pop and water gushed out over the bed. Had time to laugh about the fact that I'd been peeing in the bath tub earlier that day. 7 cm dilated and +2. Diver Dude helped during contractions by pressing his hands on my lower back. Thought briefly about the fact that I was missing The Golden Globe Awards.
• Contractions came fast and hard, intense like crashing waves, and I called UNCLE - give me some drugs!! Was told I could get narcotics through the IV while we waited for the epidural guy to finish in the room next to mine. Did I want that? Since I couldn't answer between contractions I was not given any drugs. Started feeling an uncontrollable urge to push. Was told to wait, that I had a long way to go and that Dr. Gray would come in and check me again soon.
• 23.00 - Dr. Gray came to check me again and surprised us all by saying I was fully dilated and ready to go. The option of drugs in the IV was out the window, the epidural guy was still working on the lady next door, but if I could hold off from pushing I could get the epidural soon... There was no way I could hold off on anything at this point. I was grabbing on to the side bar of my bed as if it was life raft, moaning loudly with every wave of pain.
• With a nurse, a technician and Diver Dude holding my legs I gave pushing a try for real. It burnt like hell and I got a little scared. Diver Dude encouraged me and told me things like "you're a strong woman" and "you can do this" and I somehow I found the courage and strength to push like my life depended upon it.
• I pushed with two contractions and suddenly the intense burning sensation consumed the universe and in a fog I heard the nurse tell the technician to "Go get Dr. Gray asap, we're about to have a baby" and Diver Dude saying something about seeing the head. I asked if the baby's head had decended below the pubic bone and the nurse laughed and said "this baby is going nowhere but out with your next push".
• Pushing through the burning Bubba's head was delivered as Dr. Gray came running through the door. She told me to breathe and not push anymore. I tried. Huffed and puffed, but couldn't control the urge to push. So I pushed and I felt his entire body slip out of me.
• Bubba was born at 23.29, and I've never felt a bigger relief in my life. Suddenly the pain was gone, replaced by the beautiful sound of my screaming baby.
• Our son was placed briefly on my chest before he was whisked off by a serious looking technician and nurse. They started rubbing and sucking and tapping his back mumbling things like "water in his lungs" and "get him going". Diver Dude walked over to them and started calming me down by reporting about his color, how he was doing just fine and that he looked strong.
• Dr. Gray delivered the placenta and I was told the cord was coming out from the side... and she said something about us being lucky he hadn't had any problems in utero - still haven't had a chance to google that...
• After some local anaestetic my 2nd degree tear was carefully stitched up while I talked to Mamma on the phone. I can't remember a single thing from that conversation.
• After what seemed like an eternity Bubba was finally brought back to me and placed on my bare chest.
• The room quieted down, the lights were dimmed and everybody congratulated me on a perfect delivery and a perfect baby boy. We were left alone. Me, Diver Dude and our little Bubba.
• Our world was changed forever.

One week old - with eternal wisdom in his eyes

Introducing our circus child

2011-03-02T10:16:00.000Z

Our son Douglas Maximus, aka Bubba, was born February 27, 2011 at 23:29.
He weighed in at 7.38lbs - 3347g and stood tall at 20.5" - 52cm.
Mamma, Diver Dude and Bubba are all a little shell shocked since it all happened at the speed of light - he was born less than five hours after we got checked in - but we're happy, healthy and safely at home.

Promise to tell the war story later, for now I leave you with an image of perfect bliss ;)

Two weeks 'til due date

2011-02-24T13:14:00.003Z

Well, I made it to another appointment and from now on I'll get to see Dr. Swedish every week until it's show time. He didn't think the spotting I've been having is anything but changes to my cervix happening so I'm still holding out for that elusive Bloody Show. Hopefully the next status will be a birth story rather than another one of these.

Impatient? Me? Naaaaah :)

How far along?

38w

Bubba's chunk-o-meter:

Apprx. 20 inches / 51 cm,

Dr. Swedish's guesstimate this week is 7.5-8 lbs / 3.4-3.6 kg - He better get here soon!

My total chunk-o-meter:

17 lbs / 7.7 kg - Actually lost a pound since last appt.

Stretch marks?

No, but I feel bruised on the inside from being kicked in the same spot right beneath my right rib.

Belly button status?

Stretched, but not an outie... don't think it will actually pop.

Counting sheep?

Have to use my hands to help lift the belly over every time I switch sides. Get up to pee a ridiculous amount of times per night. Have been sweating like a piglet the past few nights, soaking the bed linen - very glamorous!

Foods I can't live without:

Tomatoes, avocados and kiwis are still at the top of my list. I'll also confess to eating copious amounts of chocolate lately... mmmm... Nutella!

Foods I can't stand:

Greasy food - fun going down, not so fun coming back up.

Best moments this fortnight:

• Valentine's day - Diver Dude surprised me with a big bear holding a box of chocolates when I walked upstairs to make coffee in the morning and took me out to a romantic dinner that night.

• Labor Rehearsal - read all about it here.

• Making a belly cast :)

It was a wet mess and demanded a patient husband, a semi-naked wife and lots of laughter.

With a little paint, I made it look like this. Once Bubba is here I'll write his name, birth date and stats in the ribbon.

Worst moments this fortnight:

Different kinds of pain. Pain in the belly. Pain in the cervix. Pain in the ass... not knowing when this little guy plans to make an entrance.

Movement?

No more flips, there's simply no room left, but lots of stretching, punching and kicking.

Symptoms:

Nose bleeds are back, didn't miss that at all. Ligament pains, Braxton Hicks, cervical pain.

Gender?

It's a man-child.

What I miss?

Sex, Sleeping on my back, Sauvignon, Sushi, Sashimi, Stilton.

What I'm looking forward to?

Labor, is that totally weird? I just want this show on the road so we can meet this little circus child.

Monthly Wisdom:

Make the most of those energy bursts because the next day you might not be able to get out of bed.

Milestone:

Having an internal check. I must say I feared this one because I've heard it can hurt like a MOFO, but it was a piece of cake... if that cake was accompanied by somebody kicking you gently in the ding-ding.

I'm 1cm dilated, 75% effaced, Bubba's head down and we're ready to rock 'n roll!

Emotions:

I'm ready, anxious, and excited! Did I mention I'm ready?

Last but not least I'd like you to go over to Keiko's important post about restrictive legislation regarding unborn children.

Bloody Show?

2011-02-23T11:08:00.002Z

Yesterday I was wiped out, woke up only to crawl straight back into bed. Nauseous all day and couldn't eat anything after breakfast. Today, this morning, I got up to a gushing nose bleed and now when I went to the bathroom I discovered several pinkish streaks in my underwear. Could this be the start of something? Could this be what they call bloody show?

Dear Bubba,
Ready when you are.
Can't wait to see you.
Kiss you.
Love you.
Spank your little butt.
Let's get this show on the road baby.
Love, Mamma

Labor Rehearsal

2011-02-18T14:32:00.001Z

Labor.
Rehearsal?
How can you rehearse something that is completely different from woman to woman and even pregnancy to pregnancy?
How do you explain the excruciating pain you're about to go through but that somehow isn't bad enough to stop women from doing this more than once?

Last night 16 very pregnant women and their very anxious husbands sat down in a circle in a basement room at the RAF Lakenheath hospital hoping to find out the secrets of one of life's biggest events.

To start the night off with a bang we were shown a short movie of several women giving birth while we tried to eat some of the treats everybody brought. I'll tell you this, chili and lil' smokies just don't taste the same when watching a baby's head squeezing out of somebody's stretched-to-it's-limits lady-bits.

After the movie and the few bites of food we managed to eat we all did a show-and-tell with our "to-go" bags. Most contained expected items like cameras, robes and adorable baby clothes and some included less common things like knitting projects and shower shoes. I think we all got a few good ideas from each other and one thing I want to get is a non toxic ink pad and paper since the hospital doesn't give you your baby's first footprint if you don't bring the supplies.

Then the actual rehearsal started. This is when the fun began. We were all given a clothespin each, asked to attach it to the sensitive skin underneath the top of our arms close to our arm pits, leave them on for 60 seconds and continue a normal conversation with our husbands. Yikes. Interestingly enough, most of the squeals of pain came from the men in the room. This was repeated every five minutes. Next we were shown different ways to stand and breathe to better deal with the pain of the clothespin. There was the eight-grade school dance move (chin to chin), the ninth-grade school dance move (butt to crotch) and the squat and curl move. Some of us made up our own moves, like the ninth-grade behind the school move (pressed up against the wall face to face). Diver Dude found it very amusing that when he was in ninth grade I wasn't actually born yet.

During these "contraction experiments" we all moved through the hospital like a big pregnant herd towards L&D met by concerned and confused looks from bystanders.

When we all bruised and giggly finally got to L&D we were given a quick tour of one of the delivery rooms. I was pleasantly surprised to find a comfy, newly renovated room with all kinds of creature comforts like private bathroom, big bed, birthing ball and a flat screen TV. Our mid-wife then quickly selected two of the husbands for a show and tell. One of the boys were put in the bed, hooked up to several monitors, and complimented on his beautiful labor and full dilation. He was then instructed to try out a number of ways to push cheered on by his male partner. He pushed on his back with legs up in the air, he pushed side-ways while his partner held his leg back, he pushed leaned up against the back of the bed and he pushed using the squatting bar attached to the bed. I'm surprised none of us went into labor from laughing so hard at the poor guy holding his legs back while violently grunting and focusing on his partners count down from ten.

Labor Rehearsal was a fun experience and if the big day includes any of the humor and lightheartedness of last night I'm game. And if real contractions feel anything like a clothespin pinching your skin - bring it on!

Four weeks to go...

2011-02-10T14:46:00.003Z

I'm suffering from a drawn out brain fart. And I honestly think time is moving twice the speed it normally does. I feel like I have so much to tell you and as soon as I sit down to get it into words - pffffftt! I have the attention span of a nat and get distracted easier than a two-year-old at Chucky Cheese. Anyway, since this is a fixed format it's a little easier to bring my mushy brain to perform for a few minutes. But after seeing Dr. Swedish today for our 36 week check up I'm starting to think monthly updates just won't cut it anymore. After establishing that Bubba's head is waaaay down in my pelvis he told me with a big grin on his face to "make another appointment in two weeks, if you're still pregnant by then."

You guys, it looks like this Circus Performance could start any day now!

How far along?

36w

Bubba's chunk-o-meter:

Apprx. 20 inches / 51 cm,

According to Dr. Swedish's guesstimate Bubba now weighs in at 7.5 lbs / 3.4 kg - He also predicts Bubba will be well over 8 lbs by the time of delivery - HOLY BUBSTER!

My total chunk-o-meter:

18 lbs / 8.2 kg - All that food I'm eating is going straight to the little hungry man in my belly.

Stretch marks?

Knocking on wood - maybe I won't get any? Varicose veins on my thigh has mystically appeared over the past two months though... grrrrrowl.

Belly button status?

Not completely out, not sure if it will. Still weird/disgusting when somebody touches it.

Counting sheep?

Crazy dreams are back! No need for adventure books or movies, all I need is a couple of hours of snoozing and I'm in some high-speed chase in a stolen car chased by bad guys.

Foods I can't live without:

Tomatoes and avocados are still yummy but right now I crave kiwis!! Not the birds, the fruit.

Foods I can't stand:

While fish and chips taste really great going down, I can't seem to keep it down. Same thing with everything super greasy

Best moments this month:

• Baby shower - this is one of those things I should dedicate a post to, but can't seem to gather my thoughts long enough to actually do so.

In short:

I cried happy tears in the car going over there thinking of how distant the possibility of me having a baby shower seemed not too long ago.

Instead of cards I got everyone's favorite children's book - can't wait to start reading them to Bubba.

MOTHER sent a massive gift and completely shocked both me and Diver Dude - she's not the loving grandma/mother/mother-in-law type, quite the opposite actually. But she seems genuinely excited about having a grandson!

Lots and lots of itty-bitty clothes now fill the drawers in Bubba's room

• A good friend from Seattle who struggled with IF for almost ten years came to visit with her hubby - after turning 40, moving across the Atlantic, getting a small house and building a new child-free life - she's pregnant!! Due just about a month after us!

Worst moments this month:

Again this needs a post of it's own but it'll have to be squished into this. Sex. Or rather, lack of sex. As the weeks pass and I feel sexier than ever, happy and filled with confidence, Diver Dude, well... he's just not that into it. He struggles to adjust to my growing belly and the fear of poking Bubba in the eye is just turning him off. Sigh.

Movement?

Crazy boy! Now that he's running out of room those movements can knock the wind out of me. Kicks to the ribs, punches to the cervix and stretching in all directions makes for a comfortable mama :)

Symptoms:

We have a new player on the scene this month. A sharp, pinching, gradually building pain in the cervix that comes and goes. I'm guessing contractions. If that's what they feel like now... It's gonna HURT LIKE A MOFO!!

Gender?

It's a boy. And if he keeps growing at this rate he'll come out with a full beard!

What I miss?

Good red wine. Or what it used to taste like. It still smells divine, but if I take a sip it's rancid! I hope my taste buds go back to normal.

What I'm looking forward to?

Labor rehearsal on February 17th - it was postponed. I think it'll include a walk-through of my hospital's L&D, going over labor and breathing techniques, and a show-and-tell of your hospital bags.

Meeting my baby boy.

Monthly Wisdom:

Napping during the day is perfectly fine. In fact, it should be mandatory.

Milestone:

Bubba is head down and ready to go! We're at term.

Emotions:

Excited and tired. A little nervous about the pain involved with delivery, but still maintaining the cool-ish attitude of "que sera, sera". At the same time I'm curious how I will cope, and feel kind of "pumped" for the event. Ask me again when this show hits the road :)

Preggo Status - 32 weeks

2011-01-13T07:32:00.001Z

How far along?

32w

Bubba's chunk-o-meter:

Apprx. 16.5 inches / 42 cm, 3.7 lbs / 1.7 kg

My total chunk-o-meter:

15 lbs / 6.8 kg

Stretch marks?

Not yet, my belly is itching like crazy though...

Belly button status?

More out than before, can't stand it when Diver Dude touches it now - EWWWW!

Counting sheep?

Had a few restless nights with crazy legs, peeing every hour and minor belly aches that had me worried about preterm labor. Probably shouldn't have popcorn and chocolate right before bed...

Foods I can't live without:

Tomatoes and avocados. And why do Milky Bones suddenly seem so tempting? Pickles with ice cream?

Foods I can't stand:

I wish there was some food I couldn't stand, put it in front of me and I'll eat it!

Best moments this month:

Spending the holidays with my family.

Nephew feeling Bubba move and relating to Bubba as "Baby Max".

Pregnancy photo shoot with Sister.

Getting the baby room (close to) ready.

Worst moments this month:

Falling on an icy beach while taking pictures - saved both belly and camera but it scared the living crap out of me.

Diver Dude having a moment of total freak-out when realizing Bubba will be here in two months.

Movement?

I'm feeling it and seeing it, and so are others! It's like an alien belly show every day :)

Symptoms:

Braxton Hicks, shortness of breath, minor heart burn - nothing to complain about.

Gender?

Yup, Bubba's a boy!

What I miss?

Sushi, Sashimi, Sake, Sauvignon and Stilton.

What I'm looking forward to?

Baby Shower Jan 22nd - I honestly never thought I'd have one, but a friend of mine insisted on throwing me one and I'm thrilled!

Labor rehearsal on February 10th.

Monthly Wisdom:

If a girl needs to clean - stay out of her way!

Milestone:

Hmmm, making it this far still boggles my mind :)

Emotions:

Happy, calm, overwhelmed, amazed, worried and organized - all at the same time!

Happy New Year

2011-01-06T11:47:00.002Z

When the clocks had all turned twelve, the fireworks all exploded, the champagne all been sipped and new year kisses all been exchanged, one little boy woke up coughing looking for his auntie.
With sleepy eyes, rosy cheeks, and small voice, he asked his mommy to come sit with me. Sister brought him over to me as I was stealing a quiet moment on the couch away from the party. Nephew's small but heavy body instantly wrapped around mine - his legs dangling down on each side of my hips, his back curved around my bulging belly, his arms hugging me softly, and his head a soft weight on my chest.
I gently kissed his hot forehead and whispered "I love you" before I leaned my cheek against the top of his head.
We sat together for a long time listening to the voices and laughter of the other adults, breathing slowly, not quite sleeping, but not really awake.
At one point Bubba started moving around and Nephew gently pushed himself up, looked at me with a sleepy smile, put a firm finger on the bump and said "Baby Max". before resuming his position and closing his eyes. My heart grew so big I almost feared it would burst.

So many great things are happening in my life and I'm surrounded by so much love - I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I have a feeling 2011 is going to be a fantastic year.

Winter Wonderland

2010-12-21T08:04:00.000Z

We've landed safely in Sweden to celebrate Christmas with my family. It's white. It's beautiful. And it's fckng cold!! This morning we had a whopping -19ºC. Brrrrrr!

Checking in at 28 weeks pregnant I realized most airline's cut off for traveling is just that, so going home I'll be breaking some rules while hiding my expanding waist line.

Merry Christmas to all of you, may the Holidays bring peace and happiness, and the new year be filled with wonderful promises.

Marching in to the third trimester

2010-12-16T08:39:00.001Z

I've had a hard time sitting down to update this corner of the world lately. So much is happening and I want to talk about it all, but somehow I can't find the energy to transfer all those thoughts and moments into words. I want to tell you all about how we've started buying things for Bubba, and how we've rearranged our house to make room for the nursery. I want to show you the things I've made, the theme of the room, the stacks of clothes in the drawers. I also want to tell you about our trip to London to see traditional Swedish Lucia being celebrated. But it'll have to be another day, because today I march in to my third trimester and it's time for a preggo-update.

How far along?

28w

Bubba's chunk-o-meter:

Apprx. 15 inches / 38 cm, 2.2 lbs / 1 kg

My total chunk-o-meter:

13 lbs / 5.9 kg

Stretch marks?

No, but I'm wondering how much more my skin can actually stretch.

Belly button status?

Poking out a tiny bit, can be seen through shirts now. Not sure if I like it or not.

Counting sheep?

Waking up EVERY time I change position, followed by trying to convince myself I don't need to pee, only to realize I REALLY have to pee and then get out of my warm bed just to dribble.

Foods I can't live without:

Tomatoes and avocados. Trying to slow down the carb intake since I was only two points away from failing my 1h glucose test. Having withdrawals from my newly acquired habit of eating a big bowl of whole grain pasta a day.

Foods I can't stand:

Food - mmmmmm! Any food. All the time.

Best moment this month:

Moving our office and guest room to make room for baby. Getting some nursery furniture and a stroller. Realizing this is actually happening, our lives are about to change for good.

Worst moment this month:

Experiencing some strong Braxton Hicks that came and went for about an hour. Not painful just sent me into a panicked state of wait-is-that-a-contraction-omg-what-if-i-go-into-preterm-labor-mind

Movement?

Lots and lots of kicks, rolls, pokes and prods. Daily kick counts usually takes less than a minute (10 movements in 2 hours).

Symptoms:

TMI alert: There's odd stuff happening with the boobies. It looks like dried milk in the now ginormous cracks of the nipple... I've decided to take it as a good sign, but really? Ew.

Restless legs! How come when I'm exhausted my legs are full of energy?

Gender?

I have a tiny penis in my uterus.

What I miss?

Raw fish, creamy delicious unpasteurized cheese, and red wine.

What I'm looking forward to?

Bubba cooking up a storm. Pregnancy photo shoot with my sister for Christmas.

Monthly Wisdom:

If my temper takes an unexpected turn for the worse, walk away.

Milestone:

Moving into the third and final trimester. Passing the glucose test - if only barely.

Emotions: Violent, sudden aggression towards inanimate objects. It's a miracle my Mac does not have a hole in it.

Haven't taken the 28 week picture yet, but you get the idea, I'm getting chunky :)

A lot of you have asked about the week signs - I made them out of cardboard and they look much fancier in the pictures than they do in real life.

Mundane Moments

2010-12-02T14:19:00.000Z

In a world of little things
How can you find words big enough

How do you describe the anticipation
of folding a mountain of small outfits
or buying your first set of newborn diapers

How can you explain the joy
of fingers aching from hours of carefully stitching
a less than perfect quilt

How can you tell the story
evoked by movement only you're aware of

How do you define the love you feel
for someone you've never met
or even laid your eyes on

Tiny moments like these fill my days
and although at first they may seem mundane
they carry a lifetime of longing

Happy

2010-11-25T07:26:00.000Z

Thanksgiving!!
I'm thankful for my husband coming home today after a 10 day business trip to the US.
I'm thankful for the soft kicks letting me know Bubba is awake and that today makes 25 weeks.
I'm thankful for our and our family's wellbeing.
And I'm thankful for all of you.
Gobble-gobble!

Getting on the preggo-status-train!

2010-11-21T11:46:00.000Z

How far along?

24w, 3 days

Bubba's chunk-o-meter:

Apprx.12 inches / 30 cm, 1.32 lbs / 600 g - was told at our 21w u/s he's in the 68th percentile

My total chunk-o-meter:

7 lbs / 3.2 kg

Stretch marks?

Nope

Belly button status?

Still in, but my long healed piercing scar is now all on the outside and I can feel the "button" poking a little bit.

Counting sheep?

Toss and turn, pee twice a night, crazy dreams, wake up with tousled hair.

Foods I can't live without:

Tomatoes and potatoes! Mmmm carbs!

Foods I can't stand:

Hmmm... that's an unfamiliar concept...

Best moment this month:

Diver Dude and Mamma feeling the first movements around 21,5 weeks.

Worst moment this month:

Diver Dude spacing out on my birthday. Long story. Good ending.

Movement?

YES, this is a wild little guy. Every morning and night. Seems to not like me driving or sitting down wearing jeans as he kicks right where the waist band hits :)

Symptoms:

Almost embarrassed to say I hardly have or have had any major symptoms. Frequent nose bleeds. Stuffy nose.

Gender?

We're having a son :)

What I miss?

Sushi and Cabernet.

What I'm looking forward to?

Getting bigger while Bubba's cooking.

Monthly Wisdom:

Don't worry, be happy.

Milestone:

Movement felt on the outside, finding out we're having a boy and reaching viability.

Emotions: Calm as a cucumber. Mood swings, what's that? Seriously though, my anxiety levels seem to go down every week.

365 days in between

2010-11-12T10:41:00.000Z

November 12, 2008, I was flying to England for our big move across the Atlantic.

Last year on this day, I was driving myself to the Emergency Room to find out if I was miscarrying.

Today, after taking Kona for a walk, I plan on going nursery shopping with my mom.

I'm dumbfounded at what a difference a year makes.

Next year, some time during the day, I simply hope to be building a tower of colorful building blocks for my son, only to watch him push it over with a big smile.

Early in the morning

2010-11-04T14:46:00.001Z

In the distance I can hear water falling into a bowl of water, a steady stream ending with a soft tinkle.
Gently I adjust the down pillow and ignore the fact that I too may have to pee in a very near future.

Diver Dude crawls back into bed and wraps his warm arm around me.

A wet nose touches my hand.

Slowly I open my eyes to look into Kona's asking brown.

I let one leg fall over the side of the bed, followed by the second and then rest of my heavy, sleepy body sits up.

With searching limbs stretched out in the dark I find my fluffy slippers and the big robe.

I walk through the hallway guided by the faint glimmer of distant stars and open the front door.

Kona goes outside to do his business, a quick pee and a big gulp from his blue plastic water bowl.

Back in the bedroom Kona lays down after spinning around twice and letting out a content sigh.

I continue in to the bathroom to empty a full bladder in hopes of adding another few hours to the night.

After dropping the robe on the floor I climb back in under the soft, warm covers and wrap Diver Dude's arm around me.

The alarm goes off.

Bubba greets the loud noise with a few startled movements and then continues to slowly roll, poke and prod.

I roll over to kiss my sleepy husband good morning.

A new day has started.

It's a little person in there!

2010-10-29T16:20:00.001+01:00

Spending an hour yesterday looking at Bubba from all different angles makes me feel like I've gotten to know the little person growing inside me a little bit better.

Everything went well and all major organs were well within limits. Major relief. The femurs measured almost a week ahead but we're both tall people so no big surprise there :) Heartbeat was strong at 159 bpm. Placenta was posterior, so that explains me feeling a lot of movement early. Bubba was head down low during the whole hour and only moved arms and legs leisurely. Cervix measured 3.5 cm, which is shorter than the baseline but I'm trying not to worry until I get to speak to Dr. Swedish. Ha!

When it came time to find out what flavor Bubba is, our tech ran in to some difficulty. Bubba's legs were tightly closed at all times and would not give us even a little sneak peek. Until I went to the bathroom and danced a little mambo. When I laid back down, the tech quickly placed the wand on my belly and for a moment we caught a glimpse before the legs closed again.

Diver Dude jumped out of his chair and cheered loudly only to immediately after have big tears fill his eyes. Choked up he managed to whisper: "Munchkin, we're having a son". The tech confirmed with a smile and told us congratulations. I was immediately so filled with happiness I couldn't say a word.

Bubba is a boy.

We're having a son.

Yes, there's a tiny pee-pee in me and Diver Dude is not only OK with it, he's happy about it! In any other context that would be the weirdest sentence ever :)

I'm in love.

Sometimes I forget...

2010-10-26T14:49:00.000+01:00

There are still days when I'll see a woman with a beautiful bump in the corner of my eye and feel my heart squeezed tight in an all too familiar way. For a brief moment it knocks the wind out of me. The moment after I suddenly realize I've caught a glimpse of my own reflection.

Infertility is not cured by pregnancy. The soaring happiness I feel over the life growing inside of me is so fragile and comes with such deep fear. I cherish every second of this miracle but fear that any moment things can go wrong. It's exhausting. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

Thursday is our anatomy scan. I'm thrilled with the thought of seeing Bubba again and excited to find out what flavor he/she is. At the same time I'm absolutely terrified, hoping with all my being that our little Bubster is healthy and growing strong.

What do you think? Is Bubba a boy or a girl?

I am that woman.

2010-10-21T10:25:00.000+01:00

I am the elusive woman you hear about from at least one of your friends/family/colleagues when telling them about your battle with infertility.
I am the sister of your brother's coworker's aunt's cousin's neighbor.
I am the urban myth not even Dr. Google can find.

I am the woman who got pregnant while getting ready to start IVF. The second time.

During the past three years I've heard so many miracle stories about women who have gotten pregnant before their first cycle of IVF, after their husbands had a vasectomy, or before/after adopting a child - but the person telling the story has never known the person first hand or been able to provide details of their medical diagnosis. So for every story told I choked on a slightly bitter laugh and dismissed it as an attempt of encouragement or just utter bull-crap.
If that small voice of hope had the audacity to ever make as much as a peep, I quickly shut it up with our statistics and medical facts:
• Diver Dude has obstructive azoospermia after an unsuccessful vasectomy reversal
• I have one unblocked tube on the left, and a history of uterine polyps and cervical cancer
• Our Swedish clinic gave us an estimated success rate of 35-45% per transfer with IVF/ICSI and PESA, and less than 0.01% the old fashioned way
• For our first IVF, Diver Dude's planned PESA had to be turned in to a TESA because no mature sperm were found in the epididymis and even then only a few swimmers were found in his testicles
• The IVF/ICSI+TESA gave us four blastocysts of excellent quality - the first transfer resulted in a BFP only to be followed by a heart breaking miscarriage at 6 weeks, the second transfer gave us a nothing but a shadow of a second line, and the two remaining blasts resulted in a cancelled FET when they against all odds didn't survive the thaw
Surprise natural pregnancies might happen to other infertile couples but clearly no such thing could happen to us.

And yet, here I am.
20 weeks pregnant against all odds.
Miracles do happen.

I am that woman.

Welcome all you lovelies visiting from ICLW, I can't wait to get to know you!
If you'd like to know more about me and this crazy story (there's so much more to it) feel free to prowl around previous posts :)

Lots of love,
Circus Princess

It's still dark...

2010-10-13T06:28:00.002+01:00

...outside my window and I'm still snuggled up under the covers. Diver Dude just left with coffee in hand after giving me a big kiss and the house is quiet. Bubba is stretching and poking my insides and I have a big smile on my face. For the first time in a few weeks my back is feeling great thanks to a folded tempurpedic pillow top and a surrounding wall of pillows. Only thing missing is a pea under the mattress :)
Today is going to be a great day!

To be tagged and awarded - and then cheat!

2010-09-28T13:48:00.004+01:00

I've always had a hard time following rules. I usually read chain letter emails and then promptly discard them without forwarding, putting myself at risk of missing out on eternal love, friendship, luck and what have you. Bloggy-awards are different, I feel honored and special whenever someone hands me one but then utter laziness hits me and I struggle to answer the questions that come with it and to forward said award to any of my many blogging heroines.
So I've decided to cheat!
I'll thank all the wonderful ladies that have given me awards, try to answer all the questions, and then simply create and forward my own special little award - with no strings attached other than to pass it on!

Here goes:
1. -Thank you irrationalexuberance at So much for simple and easy for tagging me in the "let's learn more about each other instead of about our periods and hormones" game :)
What's the best dish you can cook?
I make a mean artichoke and crab dip that has people licking the hot dish when they run out of chips.
Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? What for?
Yes, a few times actually, for reasons ranging from getting married, having parties that went out of control and receiving awards in my field of business.
What's the worst/most memorable job you have had?
Strawberry picking as a teen during a very wet season in Sweden. Every morning that summer I got up before five, rode my bike five miles in the rain and then spent all day on my knees in the mud picking berries. The smell of ripe, moist strawberries still makes my muscles ache and my stomach turn.
When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision getting married?
In my early teens I dreamt of a fairy tale wedding but never had a specific age in mind, as I grew older and turned feminist I decided that getting married was archaic and not for me. Until I met Diver Dude.
What's your most hated household chore? What's your favorite?
Most hated is cleaning toilets, emptying the cat's litter box (fortunately I'm relieved of both those duties right now) and picking up dog poo in the yard. My favorite is vacuuming with my ipod and ironing either outside on a sunny day or in front of a good classic movie.
What's your earliest memory?
I fell off the toilet when I was three and had to get stitches. Only I screamed bloody murder so my parents decided it was best the doc just taped me up instead. Still have a nice horizontal scar on my forehead.

2. -Thank you PunkRockMom for the awesome Cherry on Top Award
If you had the chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?
I firmly believe that every event in my life - good, bad, beautiful and ugly - has led me to where I am today and changing it would turn me in to a different person in a different kind of life. So. I wouldn't change a thing.

3. -Thank you Journey Girl and HopeSprings for the Beautiful Blogger Award
Tell us 7 interesting things about you:
• I dream of writing and illustrating a children's book about different kinds of family building - It's still in the idea/sketch stage...
• I was born with a strawberry mark on my left shoulder - now it looks more like a pale raisin
• I've been accused of being "too nice" more times in my life than anything else - but I secretly wish I could be nicer and more honest - I know, yuck!
• I love the smell of raspberries - my grandpa used to grow them on his farm and one of the few memories I have of him is picking and eating berries off the bushes, his big warm hand holding mine
• I pick my nose. A lot. Even in front of Diver Dude. I know, it's disgusting
• I'm really scared of horses. They're too big to squish with a swatter when they show up in, or around your house...
• I used to drink double cream every day as a child because I thought my legs were too skinny. They still are, the rest of me, not so much

4. -Thank you to the lovely Mrs. Farmer for the Gorgeous Blogger Award
5 Things About Me:
-I just listed seven above, that counts right?

5. -Thank you Sass for the Happy 101 Award - you make me smile :)
List 10 things that make you happy:
• When Diver Dude brings me flowers for no reason at all
• The way Kona grunts and sighs happily when he's all stretched out in the couch
• When Athena paws my hair in the morning while I'm half asleep on the toilet
• The tiny flicker of Bubba letting me know s/he's there
• Sunday mornings in bed with no immediate plans
• The sun warming my skin
• The warm ocean caressing my body
• Nephew yelling -Mama Sann! when he sees me and throws his little chubby arms around me
• My family. I love them to pieces. If you could choose your family, I so would've chosen mine
• Snow. It's white, and cold, and you can build stuff with it

6. -Thank you again Mrs. Farmer for the Valued Blogger Award :)
How did your journey into blogging begin?
When we were getting close to beginning our first performance in this circus a little over a year ago I needed a place to talk openly and honestly about my experiences and all the thoughts, hopes and fears that came with it. I had found Mel at Stirrup Queens and realized there was a whole community out here going through similar things and wanted to be part of that.

7. -I'm totally embarrased but I can't remember who gave me the Versatile Blogger Award, I need to be slapped!
List seven things about yourself:
- Again, I'll refer to the list above but adding to it:
• I have a really short memory and have to write down everything on little post-it notes. And when I can't remember where a specific note is, I'm fudged. I lost the sticky-note about this award.

8. -The fabulous Kakunaa at Spermination Station just reminded me that she tagged me in Blog Tag - thank you, with friends like that who needs sticky-notes?
What's your perfect date night?
Dinner and a movie - weather it be take-out-indian-food-curled-up-with-critters-on-the-couch-with-DVD or fancy-restaurant-three-meal-course-and-VIP-seats-at-the-movies-too-full-to-eat-popcorn style.
What was the last new food you tried?
Fried chicken feet - not a fan!
What hobby would you like to start but it seems to keep getting pushed to the back burner?
Playing the piano. And reading music.
Favorite vacation destination?
Hmmm, it's a toss-up between Maui, HI and Rome, Italy. Both awesome in different ways!
What are you most looking forward over the next month?
Bubba growing and feeling him/her move. The anatomy scan in week 21.
Which fall TV show are you most looking forward to?
Grey's Anatomy and Sons of Anarchy - so different and yet so similarly supreme!
Your favorite holiday tradition?
In Sweden Christmas is celebrated on Christmas Eve, with Santa coming to your house around six in the evening to deliver presents. Mamma would decorate our home the night before and to get to sleep in the morning of, she'd have us count all the little Santas around the house and open special morning presents. Just me and my sister tip-toeing around the house lit only by the lights of the Christmas tree, counting Santas, makes me all warm inside. I'm looking forward to reviving this Christmas tradition when Bubba is old enough.
Are you a morning or a night person?
I used to be a night owl, but then I married a morning star, and now it seems I'm just tired all the time :)
- And I answered all these questions before I read the questions at the end of the post that we were actually supposed to answer and now I'm pooped so screw it, I'll just stick with these. Please love me anyway Kakunaa?

And now, I present to you The Super Duper Special Award that comes with no other rules than this:

Give it to someone that is super duper special, tell them why, and ask them to pass it along!

You know you're all wonderful special women that rock my world on a daily basis but today I'd like to give this award to Robin at Looking for My Keys because she just found out that instead of her first IVF resulting in the first word of PUPO it's ended up being the last - Robin, you're a beautiful woman with an honestly positive outlook on life even through times that would knock most people on their butt. Your words never fail to move me in their simplicity when describing complex emotions. Kisses to you Robin!

My cervix is super!

2010-09-24T15:12:00.000+01:00

How often do you get to say that? Average cervix length in pregnancy is 3.6 cm from what I understand and guess what my super duper cervix measured today? Over 5 cm long and nicely closed! Now that's a cervix to brag about!

In my anxious mind I've been going over all the things that could possibly make my cervix incompetent. All the biopsies over the years when I had constant cell changes of various degrees, the invasive cone biopsy of 1.3 cm when they discovered cervical cancer almost ten years ago, and the colposcopy last year when they removed a polyp from the top of my cervix. I've turned to Dr. Google too many times to look up symptoms and warning signs for incompetent cervix and actually stayed in bed almost all day Wednesday for fear of Bubba falling out. I know, I'm hysterical. Diver Dude had to give me a firm reality-check-pep-talk to snap me out of it when he came home.

Bubba looks good, he/she is a bigger gray blob now with fluttering arms and a completely visible spine. Legs were crossed most of the time though so we don't know what flavor he/she is. Heart rate has slowed down to 140 bmp which apparently is normal at 16 weeks. My weight is up a total of three pounds - four since last appointment - and I'm sporting a nice "beer gut".

While at the clinic, on doctors orders, I went down to get my flu shot. To think I used to pass out at the very sight of one of those. I believe IF has almost cured my fear of needles. That's an unexpected bonus.

I think I've been feeling Bubba for over a week now. It's that same small pop-pop-pop feeling I experienced at 10-ish weeks but now it's more intense, lasts longer and feels more like a nerve twitch - you know, like when your eye gets a twitch but it's down in babyville. I can't wait for it to be more frequent and unmistakable. I read somewhere that the first felt movements of the baby is called "the quickening" and I can't help but think that it sounds a little spooky. Kind of like the title of a horror flick. It's funny, because the feeling is as far from scary you can get, it's a beautiful, almost spiritual feeling of your baby letting you know it's there. The Quickening.

OK, I'm rambling. I'm just very relieved that everything seems to be going well. Hopefully this calm will stick around for at least a couple of days before I find something else to worry about. Anatomy scan is scheduled for October 28 at 21 weeks. How will I handle five weeks without seeing Bubba? I might just go a little crazy. Alright, a little crazier.

The Big Reveal Dinner

2010-09-21T13:40:00.000+01:00

Saturday, September 4th we had planned a traditional swedish crayfish party at my parents' cabin by the sea and invited my closest family. Our ulterior motive to eating lots of red shellfish, drinking a few schnapps and singing some obnoxious drinking songs, was of course to reveal our "little" secret.

As I struggled to decide what to wear Diver Dude kept laughing and pointing out how obvious my bump was becoming and that my family would know as soon as they saw me. After three or four changes I decided on an outfit including a big colorful scarf to distract and hide the bump and went inside to help Mamma with the finishing touches to the meal. She looked at me, smiled, rubbed my belly and said "good try Princess".

Around five they started arriving. Cousin Emil, his partner and their twin boys, cousin Ida with partner and two boys, my uncle Anton and his partner, and finally my Sister, Mr Sister and Nephew. The cabin was a warm chaos of hugs, happy voices and laughter. I was almost immediately cornered by Cousin Emil's partner who asked me with a wink if we were home for something other than just family time and before I had a chance to answer continued telling me a story about a friend of hers who switched fertility clinics and got pregnant with twins. I caught a few glances aimed at my mid-section but thankfully nobody dared to ask or comment about my mysterious one-point weight gain.

Everybody arrived hungry and we all sat down around the table before I had another chance to put a foot in my mouth. Diver Dude tapped his glass to get everyone's attention, cleared his voice and began saying the words we had rehearsed earlier: "First of all I'd like to say how happy we are that you all could make it here tonight, so I don't have to drink all the schnapps by myself. I think you all know the reason for us to come home this time was to do our second round of IVF. But when we talked to the doctor she told us that Circus Princess is not allowed to take the medication." Here he paused and we both looked around the room at the rows of raised eyebrows and open mouths before he continued: "And the reason for that is..." I stood up, lifted up my shirt to reveal the words Baby Bump embroidered on my maternity jeans, and said: "I'm already pregnant."

The noise on the porch drowned out the sound of the crashing waves. The symphony of laughter and words like what?, how? and when? made my heart so full of joy and gratitude I could hardly breathe. We were attacked with swarms of hugs as we tried to tell the story of our miracle, how we don't have any answers to how it happened, that we're still completely overwhelmed with happiness and that we just hope everything will turn out OK.

When everybody had settled and the noise died down a little my Sister quietly stood up and said: "Well, I might as well take this opportunity to tell you that we're expecting a baby too". This was followed by a second wave of loud congratulations and big hugs before we could finally dig in to our shellfish feast. And let me tell you, crayfish has never tasted so good.

While I write a post about The Big Reveal Dinner...

2010-09-13T12:07:00.000+01:00

Here's all my belly shots so far - all but two taken on Saturday or Sunday before breakfast. The first one is taken only a few days before Week 5, and Week 13 is taken in Sweden after a giant breakfast and I'm obviously bloated and look about 6 months pregnant.

Promise to tell you all about The Dinner soon :)

A trip to the Mother Land

2010-08-31T11:00:00.000+01:00

Right now I've got two loads of laundry going, two bags spread out on the bed and a very impatient dog pacing through the house. Tomorrow morning we're heading to Sweden to spend a week with the family. I feel unbelievably fortunate to be able to see them as often as we do, there was a time not too long ago when once a year was all we could manage.

Most of the family, except Mamma, Pappa and Sister & Co, believes we're coming home to do our second round of IVF. This Saturday we have planned a big family dinner to reveal or "little secret" and I can't wait to see their faces! Promise to tell you all about it when we get back.

Now I better take my pooch for a walk before he creates a pacing path in the wooden floor.

Aloha :)

12 weeks and we're all mmkay!

2010-08-26T17:40:00.000+01:00

Huge sigh of relief! All is well in babyville! I weighed in at 164 lbs, 1 lb less than where I started. Good news considering I hope to pack on a hefty amount of baby weight in the near future :) Baby's heart was found without too much fuzzing around with the doppler and was beating at a beautiful 166 b/min. Go Bubba!!

I'm starting to think this might actually be happening. For real. I mean, we may actually get to bring home a healthy baby in March. WOW. Butterflies are still going nuts in my belly, but this time they're of a much happier variety.

We've decided not to do the NT scan or the blood test to check for chromosomal abnormalities for a couple of different reasons. First of all, should they find something to indicate a problem we feel we'd be adding unnecessary stress since we would not consider termination. Second, if there is a problem we'll most likely find out anyway at our 20-22 week scan. I know this can seem archaic to some, but we feel it's the right decision for us. This way, should there be a problem, we'll still have plenty of time to make the extra preparations to add this child to our family.

My next scan will be in a month. I asked for an extra scan to make sure my beaten up cervix can take the extra pressure. An extensive cone biopsy to remove malignant cells in 2001 and a polypectomy in 2009 is what's causing us to take these precautionary measures. I'm thinking long and closed, long and closed.

Today I've entered the 12th week and the future is looking bright enough to wear sunglasses.

Butterflies

2010-08-26T10:54:00.001+01:00

are going crazy in my belly. Flapping their wings and stirring things up. In two hours I've got an appointment with Dr. Swedish to check on Bubba. Hopefully today we'll be able to hear that beautiful little heart beat on a doppler.

I'm nervous and anxious, haven't slept well in two nights and battling a splitting head ache. Please let everything be OK. Mmkay!

A different kind of WTF-meeting

2010-08-19T13:10:00.002+01:00

You may remember that I sent an email in June to the Swedish Clinic with 101 questions in preparation for the start of our upcoming second IVF Circus this fall. When I hadn't heard back a week later I called and talked to my favorite Nurse Inga but got a less than fuzzy feeling about coming back. Anyway, when she couldn't answer all my questions she set up a phone consult - a WTF-meeting - with Dr. Boss Lady. Last week Thursday was when that meeting was scheduled. Yup, it took a month and a half to even get to speak to her on the phone (vacation is Sweden is a subject for a whole different post).

The phone rang at four o'clock and after the initial greetings and polite small talk about summer Dr. Boss Lady started out by apologizing for not getting back to me sooner and for not replying to the email. She then continued by saying she'd love to go over the email since she now had it in front of her. -Well, I said, we've actually had something pretty amazing happen to us this summer. I paused and waited for a reaction and she immediately said: - Don't tell me you've gotten pregnant on your own? I told her that we had indeed gotten a surprise BFP early July, that I was almost ten weeks pregnant and that we had seen a strong heartbeat at six and eight weeks. The other end of the phone went silent. After a while I said - Hello? - and heard her clear her voice and start talking almost like to herself. -It's just unbelievable, but I guess just because I didn't find any sperm in the epididymis during PESA that doesn't mean one couldn't have snuck through at a later point. But, WOW, out of all my patients... I would've never thought.... WOW. Well, congratulations!!! That's just fantastic!! I couldn't help but smile when I told her that I really hoped I wouldn't have to see her again any time soon. She laughed and made me promise to send pictures when the little miracle is born and to please come back if we ever want to try for a sibling. And suddenly the warm fuzzy feeling came back and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for what we'd been through.

This was one WTF-meeting where the abbreviation got a different meaning all together. This was a "What? That's Fantastic!" -meeting :) and I wish somehow all WTF-meetings could be just that.

FYI, the shoes in my last post are from Rieker - totally the most awesome shoes ever!!

Back-ache fashionista and a popping feeling

2010-08-16T14:06:00.000+01:00

Over the past few months I've been blessed with very few, and all minor, pregnancy symptoms.

• Boobs have been sore off and on (and every time the soreness goes away for a few days I panic)

• Nausea that have been more like mild motion sickness

• Dull crampy feeling in uterus

• LOTS of discharge (followed by many frantic dashes to the bathroom to check color and consistency)

• Burping that puts burly men to shame

• Hunger attacks that border on nausea

• Lovely metallic taste in my mouth that won't go away regardless of how much Scope I use

But the last two weeks something feels like it's being pinched in the lower left side of my back/butt. Several times I've found myself "stuck" on the toilet unable to get up and instead having to crawl on to the bathroom floor and get up with the help of a sink or bathtub. And this morning when I tried to get my walking shoes on I could not find a way of tying them up. Not sitting down, not leaning over, not even with my legs bent and angled out to the sides while sitting on the floor. So today, in the rain, through the fields and muddy streets, I walked Kona wearing these:

Easy to get on and off, and stylish too. Not quite so white anymore though...

This morning when I was eating breakfast, comfortably seated in my favorite leather chair, cat purring in my lap - shhhh, don't tell Diver Dude - I suddenly felt something odd. It was as if three little bubbles burst inside babyville - and as I felt the pop-pop-pop, Meow-girl actually turned and gave me a puzzled look. I've never felt anything similar in my life and although I know it's waaaaay too early - 10w4d today - I'm absolutely convinced it was Bubba moving. In reality it was probably a fart trapped sideways, but it put a big silly smile on my face.

Why I live where I live

2010-08-11T09:37:00.000+01:00

A few weeks ago Miss Ruby had a post about what she calls home and how she ended up in that particular place in the world. With readers from around the globe from different walks of life she's curious to find out how we all found our current home, or if maybe our home found us.
Today I'm happy to be her first guest in this traveling questionnaire.

If you'd like to share your story, please email dearmissruby@gmail.com.

Lady Merlin's Wall

2010-08-10T10:52:00.002+01:00

Last week me and Diver Dude had our final joint session with Lady Merlin. The time before I had told her about Diver Dude's change of heart and this time we had even more surprising news for her. It was a great session, lots of small talk, laughter, and some good advise on how to handle the "telling" with Diver Dude's daughters.

Lady Merlin told us she was pleased with our progress and that she was very happy for us. She also told us that this isn't the first time she's had a couple going through ART spontaneously get pregnant while in her care. She told us about the wall of photos in her London office with babies that were supposed to have been ART-babies but are in fact "miracle"babies. "The mind-body connection works in mysterious ways" she said with a sly smile and continued to tell us how when you truly let go and free your mind, magic things can happen.

I don't know what to think. Part of me hates the similarities with the over-used, nonchalant advise of "Just relax, and it will happen", and part of me can't help but see the interesting contradiction in the statement. You can't relax with the purpose of wanting to have a child. It's impossible. But, somehow, in the midst of one of the hardest times in my life, my mind was forced open by something more terrifying than the fear of never having a child and relaxed. And something very similar must've happened to Diver Dude when he changed his mind that morning.

In my mind I've gone over all the things that changed in our lives since last year when Diver Dude was diagnosed with azoospermia and we went through the IVF. Everything from eating habits and work-out routines to social networks and states of mind. What did we do differently? Diver Dude quit chewing tobacco on New Year's Eve. When we were in Jamaica in January we both smoked some pakalolo - first time in 30 years for Diver Dude, 7 for me. There were a lot of trying times - the miscarriage and two failed FETs followed by the crisis when Diver Dude called it quits - but there were good times too. Moments of true connection, love and adventure. Spiritually things changed for me. I found a voice. I'm not sure how else to explain that.

I know, I'm over-thinking and over-analyzing this miracle that has happened. I should just shut up and be grateful.
I am. Shutting up. And I am so very, very grateful.

I hope we get a chance to add Bubba to Lady Merlin's Wall of Miracles. Nine weeks and five days today.

Two peas in a pod

2010-08-05T12:28:00.001+01:00

No, I'm not having twins (as far as I know) but it looks like our baby will have the next best thing to a twin.

My sister called me up yesterday and asked if I had time to Skype. I said sure, hung up, and went downstairs to start up the computer. As I sat there my mind was trying to jump the gun. We had talked only a few days ago, and nothing required a follow-up call... I had told her about a dream I had about her expecting a baby girl that was due a month after mine... ! ... ?

She popped up on the contact list and shortly after I saw her sweet face. She said "Hey sis', guess what?", I tried not to yell WHAT, WHAT and drown out what came next, "I'm pregnant!". I started clapping my hands together like a moron, screaming and laughing. "Yeah, can you believe it, I peed on a stick this morning, and it looks like I'll have a baby about a month after you". Cue more screaming and clapping on my side. I quickly calculated her due date to be April 12, 2011 before Mamma came on with a big smile on her face and said "Looks like next summer's gonna be a busy one".

I can't tell you how excited I am to be able to go through this with my sister. When she was pregnant with Nephew, me and Diver Dude had just started trying and while her belly was growing bigger mine stayed painfully empty. This time our bellies will grow in sync and we can be fat together :)

Systrami - Jag älskar dig, and I hope our children get to experience some of the wonderful friendship and unconditional love we share.

Beautiful Bubba

2010-07-30T08:06:00.000+01:00

I was a wreck going in to the OB/GYN clinic yesterday afternoon. It's a small miracle I made it to the appointment without crashing my car, and that my legs carried me up the stairs and into the examination room. Dr. Swedish walked into the room chewing his lower lip and, after greeting me in swedish, confessed that he was nervous too.

The lights were quickly turned off, the wand introduced, I grabbed Diver Dude's hand and held my breath while Dr. Swedish studied the ultrasound screen. What seemed like an eternity later Dr. Swedish smiled wide and exclaimed "It looks beautiful!", turned the screen towards us and turned on the sound.

Bubba's heart was beating in a rapid swooshing pace, and it was the most wonderful thing I ever heard. My eyes filled up with warm tears and I heard myself laughing as Diver Dude squeezed my hand tighter.

The image is not great because my bladder was full (it seems impossible these days to empty it often enough) but you can see that Bubba grew up a storm and is now measuring 8w2d (2 days ahead). The CRL was 19mm, and the heart rate an amazing 173 beats/min.

All is well in this circus, and our next appointment is in four weeks.
Unless I have a mental break-down before that :)

New skills and obnoxious preggo-ladies.

2010-07-29T11:34:00.000+01:00

I have a new skill.
I can burp like a man.
You know, the deep, vibrating, ear-deafening kind of burp only burly men can produce.
Burly men and me.
Diver Dude would like to know who kidnapped his Princess and replaced her with this burp-monster.

Yesterday's orientation went well. I only had to bite my tongue a few times when one obnoxious preggo-lady kept complaining about her symptoms, and how shocked she was to be pregnant, and how inconvenient it had been when she was pregnant with her daughter because she had a small placenta and how that caused her to go two weeks over the time, and how she REALLY hopes this one has a normal sized placenta so she won't have to be pregnant longer than necessary. When another preggo-lady told us all with a big sigh how her husband had had a vasectomy because they did not want any more children but here she is "knocked up" again - all this said in front of her own two children - I had to hold my legs to not kick her hard under the table.

I was surprised at the up-beat mode in which everything was reviewed. Not once were the words "if" or "hopefully" used in regards to our pregnancies. Not once was the word "miscarriage" mentioned, and when the first preggo-lady cracked a joke about us all going in to labor at once I nearly gasped at her optimism. I was quiet and tried to listen to the different up-coming scans and tests and the different labor options available but I'm happy we got a stack of paper with the information because I honestly can't remember much. It was like being in bizarro-world.

This afternoon I have an appointment with Dr. Swedish to check on Bubba. My knees are shaking just thinking about it. Please let everything be alright.

Road-trippin' in Scotland

2010-07-27T11:35:00.001+01:00

It's been a great week. Just me and Diver Dude on the road, discovering a country from the comfort of his Dodge Ram. It's always an interesting combination with a big american truck and narrow british country roads. More than once I've seen oncoming drivers freak out and swerve when they see what's coming towards them. The power of gross tonnage almost always works to our advantage. Except when it comes to filling up the gas tank. Ouch!

Anyway, without further ado, here's our Scotland trip in pictures.

Our first castle was actually on the English side, right on the water. Bamburgh Castle - parts of it dates back to 547 AD

When we reached the scottish border we saw Hadrian's Wall - erected in 122 AD to defend the northern frontier of the Roman Empire.

Just in case we forgot where we were going :)

The capital of Scotland is Edinburgh - a beautiful city with gorgeous architecture, a river running through it, and lots of green parks.

A seagull blocking the view from Edinburgh Castle of the city.

Edinburgh Castle perched high on a hill in the city.

Bag pipers were everywhere. Love the haunting sound of it.

Candles in a church in Edinburgh. Every little flame burning for somebody special.

Streets of Edinburgh.

A small village in the mountains - Birnam - Beatrix Potter (author of Peter Rabbit) spent her childhood summers here and got inspiration for many of her children's books from the surrounding forests.

Playground in Birnam on a rainy and misty evening.

Our hotel in Birnam.

Blair Castle outside of Atholl (no, I don't have a lisp) - 13th century

Deer on Blair Castle grounds.

A train bridge on our way to Loch Ness.

Probably the most famous lake in Scotland - Loch Ness. No, we didn't even get a glimpse of Nessie :)

The Scottish Highlands - beautiful even in the rain

I love me some fuzzy Highland cows!

One of many distilleries - Ben Nevis

Another distillery - Auchentohsan

Loch Lomond at dusk

Loch Lomond at dawn

New Lanark - A cotton mill village founded in 1786 with the ground breaking concept of free housing, schooling, and medical for the workers.

Our last castle in Scotland - Drumlanrig Castle - a renaissance building commisioned in 1691 by William Douglas. It had an impressive collection of art and we found to our surprise an original Rembrandt.

The view from Drumlanrig Castle. I could have my morning coffee here. Decaf of course :)

It's good to be back home, but being explorers by nature I know it won't be long until we start talking about where to go next. Prague is on our list. So is Paris.

Tomorrow I have an "group orientation" at my OB/GYN clinic. Me in a group of normal fertiles. Actually having conceived without the help of a team of doctors. Weird. I'm afraid I'll feel like a poser and like I don't belong there. It's still all so surreal.

Pregnancy symptoms are mild. Nausea that can be compared to being slightly motion sick most of the day. Boobs are sore off and on. I'm hungry all the time and I know where all the restrooms are located along A1 going up to Scotland :)

I worry a lot.

A LOT.

But I try very hard to focus on being positive and believing in this miracle.

So much to say and no time to say it...

2010-07-18T07:25:00.001+01:00

I can't leave for a week of adventure in Scotland without posting the first picture of our miracle - who we're lovingly calling "Bubba The Miracle".

At 6w2d Bubba measured 4,6mm with a heart rate of 118, and my HCG levels were over 100,000!! Dr. Swedish was convinced we had two in there and searched for quite a while, but could only find one :)

Lots of love to all of you my lovelies!!

A teeny tiny update

2010-07-14T16:10:00.000+01:00

About an itsy bitsy heart beat.

It seems this miracle is not just a fiction of my imagination.

I'm in awe and really happy I have ears so my smile don't split my head in two.

Amazing. Just amazing.

July 12, 2010

2010-07-12T08:51:00.001+01:00

Over the past nine months I've looked at this date in my calendar so many times, wondering what I would feel on this day. Expecting sadness and a feeling of loss, secretly hoping the day would come and go without much fuzz.

Here it is. Acrobat's expected due date.

In my heart I believe our Acrobat was never meant to be in my arms. From the very beginning there was all this drama, and although I hoped and prayed with all my being for a different outcome, deep down I think I knew it wouldn't turn out the way we wished.

Loosing the Acrobat taught me so many things. It taught me to trust my body to know how to heal. It taught me to see sunshine through the rain and the outpouring of love from friends and strangers in a time of darkness. It taught me to trust in the higher order of things, and it taught me to be strong when I was feeling weak.

I'm forever grateful for getting through a grief that knocked the air out of me, and for surfacing on the other side a stronger person. I'm grateful for the short time Acrobat was with us.

Today is so different from anything I ever expected. I'm five weeks and four days pregnant with a miracle. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

Life finds a way.

2010-07-07T08:20:00.001+01:00

One moment I'm struggling to believe this is really happening, and the next I'm laughing like a crazy person. I'm overwhelmed with gratefulness and hope, but also consumed with fear and doubt.
Could this truly be the kind of miracle that you think is just an urban legend?

The night of the 2nd, me and Diver Dude got a little crazy and ordered a last minute trip to Sweden. 12 hours from the idea was hatched we landed in Denmark and boarded the train to Sweden and surprised my whole family. The look on their faces when we showed up in their backyard was priceless.

We had a wonderful weekend filled with lazy days on the beach for Mamma, Sister, Nephew and me, golf for Diver Dude, Pappa and Mr. Sister, good food, fierce card games, and lots of laughter. The small fact that my Bloody Monster was missing in action an increasing period of time I simply blamed on the heat wave, traveling and good living (i.e. a few extra pounds that have snuck on my body over the past couple of months).

On our way home Monday night, Diver Dude asked me if Aunt Flo had showed up yet, and I said no. He asked how late I was, I quickly calculated with the help of my fingers and was surprised with the answer of six days.
- Could you be pregnant? His question nearly knocked me out of my seat. But when I added up the sore boobs, the nausea spells and the obvious lack of bleeding/spotting, a tiny light of that insane hope started flickering. I told him that if it wasn't for the fact that I knew it was nearly impossible I'd almost think so. We decided I should pee on a stick in the morning to at least rule it out.

Yesterday morning I woke up around five with a bladder that was about to burst. I ran in to the bathroom, sat down to release the Niagara Falls and suddenly remembered what I was supposed to do. Pinched off before I started and scrambled to find a cup to pee in, aimed carefully and released again. Then I tore off the clear plastic, opened the card board box, ripped open the inner foil case, removed the blue cover and dipped the cotton part in my steaming pee. And then I watched as that magic blue plus sign appeared right before my eyes in mere seconds.

- Holy sh#t! was what came out of my mouth and Diver Dude asked what was going on. I grabbed the stick, showed it to him laying in bed, smiled like an idiot and screamed: - I'm freakin' pregnant! He immediately echoed my initial classy statement and then started laughing. I jumped in bed with him and we looked at each other in chock between awkward hugs and nervous laughter. - Can you believe we did it on our own?

And the funny thing is, when I look back through my diary I've realized that this miracle must've been conceived the morning Diver Dude changed his mind. Yeah, really. It's the stuff fairy tales are made of. I just couldn't make this up even if I tried. And, urban legend or not, me and Diver Dude - him with obstructive azoospermia and me with only one proven functional tube - appear to be pregnant without any medical intervention. It seems life has found a way.

You didn't think I wouldn't POAS again did you?

Dear Bloody Monster. You're fired.

2010-07-06T07:42:00.003+01:00

Last time you went MIA for three days, I told you I'd fire you if you ever pulled that stunt again.

Needless to say, after seven days of tardiness I have no other choice.

You're fired!

But...

If you stay away for nine months, you'll be promoted...

And right now, it looks like you'll get a raise too...

I don't know what to say, it's a bloody miracle!!

Pardon me while I flip out!!

UPDATE: For some reason comments are not showing, but I'm getting them all. Thank you for all the love, promise a longer post as soon as I get my hands to stop shaking :)

That warm fuzzy feeling...

2010-06-30T11:24:00.000+01:00

It just isn't there anymore.
Between me and the Swedish clinic that is.
It seems the more questions I ask, the less love I'm getting back.

I sent an email about a week ago to Dr. Boss Lady and haven't heard back so today I decided to call. My favorite Nurse Inga answered the phone and was happy to hear we're looking at joining the circus again this fall. She immediately gave me the tentative run-down of "wandings", "shoot-ups", "pick-ups" and transfers, but I stopped her in her happy ramblings by saying:

- I do have a few questions before we commit to anything.

She asked me to go ahead, and I started down my list of questions for Dr. Boss Lady:

• Our first round of IVF gave us four blastocysts. The fresh transfer resulted in a miscarriage. Our first FET was negative (with a faint second line that disappeared the day after). Our two remaining blasts did not survive the thaw.
Do you have any theories about why we had a statistically bad outcome? Egg, sperm, and/or embryo quality? Immune problems or a combination? Any suggestions to improve the stats this time is greatly appreciated.

Nurse Inga: - You realize we have very high standards for the embryos we freeze here, and there's an 8% risk of embryos not surviving the thaw in spite of being top notch.
Me (thinking, not saying): - Um, yeah, but last time I checked 2/3 is more like 66%. If this happened in any other situation I'd assume the team responsible would at least have an internal discussion of what went wrong.

• Do you believe that we can increase our chances by going through additional testing? Karyotype and immunology testing.
Should I have a hysteroscopy to look for polyps since I'm experiencing similar symptoms as before my polypectomy in Feb 2009?

Nurse Inga: - I'm writing, immune testing, polyps...

• I've heard of positive effects of using baby aspirin in combination with IVF, I also understand that there's no studies to prove it. My question is: Can it hurt?

• Egg retrieval of my left ovary was complicated because of its location and required the pain management nurse to assist the doctor by pressing down on my abdomen, leaving her unable to administer more meds. Can I request an additional person in the OR?

Nurse Inga: - Oh my, I'm sorry to hear that, we'll make sure a third person is available for your retrieval this time. You shouldn't be in pain.
Me, (thinking): - You think! (saying): - That would be great.

• Diver Dude's planned PESA turned in to a TESA when they were unable to find a sufficient amount of sperm. Is there any reason for a back-up plan such as donor sperm?

Nurse Inga: - Well, we don't have a donor program at our clinic...
Me, saying this time: - What? so what happens if there's no sperm? We just pack up and go home?

• Can you send my prescriptions here, or can a family member pick them up at the pharmacy for me?

• If necessary can I have some of the evaluating ultrasounds done locally?

• Could you please send copies of our medical records, electronically or via snail mail?

When I finished my list of can-do?'s the other end of the line was quiet.
- Hello? Are you still there? Nurse Inga let out a small sigh and asked me if I would like to schedule a phone consult with Dr. Boss Lady. I told her it sounded like a good idea and we agreed that August 11 would be a good day. After Nurse Inga promised to send our record promptly we ended the conversation.

Now I've got a bad taste in my mouth. I shouldn't feel like I'm inconveniencing them by calling. I shouldn't feel pushy or rude for not wanting to be "just a patient" and demand personal attention. Should I? This clinic in Sweden has one of the best statistics in Europe and the their prices for treatment is about half of what it is here in England, and oceans away from american IVF costs... Should I just trust that they know what they're doing and go with it?

I could get a second opinion, but I'm not sure we could really afford going anywhere else. Possibly another clinic in Sweden... I don't know, I don't think that I have much of a choice.

Any success stories you have of pregnancy in spite of a less than perfect relationship with your clinic and/or RE would be greatly appreciated. Or, I guess, success stories of changing clinics/REs would be helpful too.

Glad Midsommar!

2010-06-25T10:18:00.002+01:00

Today in Sweden, my family and friends are celebrating Midsummer. It's a holiday originating in pagan times to celebrate the summer solstice and to sacrifice in the sign of the norse godess of fertility, Freya. It's a celebration of the longest day of summer, a day to dress your maypole (or in my family's tradition, an old lamp post in the front yard) with flowers and dance around it, a feast when you eat new potatoes, herring and freshly picked strawberries, and a time when all the girls put flowers in their hair. Ever since I was a little girl it's been my absolute favorite holiday.

One of the traditional things to do as a young, unmarried girl is to go out in the midsummer night in silence and pick seven different flowers. You then place the flowers under your pillow and that night you will supposedly dream of the boy whom you'll marry. I have many memories of me and my sister picking flowers after dark trying not to giggle and break the silence, but I can't remember any dreams of a future husband.

In 2004 on midsummer's day I married Diver Dude for the second time. Surrounded by family and friends, standing in front of a dressed maypole, we repeated our vows to each other. It was a perfect day. It rained a lot, and the priest was so nervous about speaking english he nearly forgot to bless our rings and pause for my sister's solo, but it was perfect.

I may never have dreamt about who my husband would be, but every day I wake up next to him I know he's The One.

Today we celebrate our sixth anniversary of our second wedding and in spite of being in England I'll put flowers in my hair, eat some good traditional swedish food and possibly also dance around some kind of phallic symbol :)

Glad Midsommar! Happy Midsummer!

Perfect Moments

2010-06-23T09:22:00.002+01:00

What can be better than this?

Walking around the fields of wheat on a sunny day with my dog as only company.

K-boy getting whiff of something interesting and taking off in a frenzy. Watching him disappear for a second in the tall straws only to see him bounce back up the moment after. Down. And up. And down.

Finding my two babies snuggled up together at the end of an exciting day.

Life is pretty good.

Father's Day

2010-06-21T10:36:00.002+01:00

Diver Dude,

I wish I get to experience a day when the disappointment in your eyes, after realizing the voice on the other end of the line doesn't belong to any of your daughters, is softened by a smile when the child in your lap cups its hands around your ear and whispers "Happy Father's Day Daddy".

All my love,
Circus Princess

It's all about love

2010-06-15T14:45:00.000+01:00

I honestly don't know what made Diver Dude turn the corner. I could speculate and say Lady Merlin helped us communicate better or that he found a window to my thoughts through this blog. I could thank my lucky star or four leaf clover. But in my heart I believe that he was finally strong enough to re-discover the part of him that wants this as much as I do.

The turning point came Sunday morning. Diver Dude woke up early and went upstairs to make coffee and left me snoozing away in bed. A couple of hours later he came down, laid down next to me and woke me up with a soft kiss. "I think we should talk" he said and my heart missed a beat. I feared the worst, braced myself for him to tell me he'd come to the conclusion we should go our separate ways. Instead, he said: "I don't want to loose you. I miss you, I miss my best friend, my confidant, my wife and lover. What's important is you and I, everything else comes second. I want to grow old with you."

Suddenly there he was. My strong, beautiful, fantastic husband. He had come back to me. I felt drunk with happiness. Tears and laughter came in sudden bursts of joy. He kept going: "If it's OK with you, I think we should stick with our original plan of three IVFs. We'll do two more fresh cycles, use the embryos we get and keep our fingers crossed it works." I struggled to say something coherent and failed to say anything but "Thank you". He smiled and said it was a strange thing to say. I looked out through the window, towards the sky, and said it again. Thank You.

Although we're now back to our original plan of three IVFs I feel enriched by this experience and know that a few changes need to be made. I need to focus on a fuller life. I need a job to find a different self worth, continue my education to expand my mind, and grow the budding friendships I've made to expand our social network. I need a life that's fulfilling and can make me happy with or without children to complete it.

I know that I'm a very lucky woman. I have a husband who loves me with all his heart and who wants to journey with me through this life. Come what may. That's what it's all about.

Yggradsil - Tree of Life in Nordic mythology

It's a brand new beautiful day

2010-06-12T11:20:00.000+01:00

Diver Dude has come around.
He's ready to move forward in our relationship and give us another shot at having a family.
He chose us after all.

I can't tell you how relieved and happy I am.

It's like waking up from a really scary dream.
Waking up to sun shining through your window and your husband pulling you closer and kissing your neck.

Wonderous Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-09T10:23:00.006+01:00

Small miracles happen every day. All around us.

We just have to remind ourselves to look for them.

Here's a few I managed to capture on "film" this week.

After a long day of gray skies and pouring rain.

Sunshine is reflected in drops of water.

After a seemingly endless journey.

A finish line is reached.

After a long winter when all seemed lost.

Life finds a way.

After grasping for something to get you through the day.

A four leaf clover is found.

One day at a time. With eyes wide open.

Thank you

2010-06-07T09:18:00.000+01:00

For your overwhelming response to my last post "An impossible choice". Most of your comments were kind and supportive with wishes of peace. Some offered new angles to look at the problem, some shared life stories of similar choices made, and some thought it necessary to defend Diver Dude's right to his dream of a childless future. Some angry, some sad, some seemingly based on that post alone with insufficient background knowledge, but all good. All wonderful. All valid.

I wrote my last post from a place of disappointment and a feeling of entrapment. Of course the choices entail more possibilities than described, and naturally I have no idea what the future holds. None of us do, right? This blog is also a place where I try to sort out my thoughts. The good and the bad. The positive and negative. The sane and the crazy.

Tamsen pointed out in her comment that Diver Dude is willing to give up our relationship to not have more children - he has already made his impossible choice.
And he didn't pick me.
It hurts more than I can explain.
But he made his choice when in a hurt and vulnerable state. I have a hard time accepting that this is what he really wants and not just a reaction to a different kind of pain that stems from guilt over not being more involved in his daughters lives. His choice was not to follow a dream of living child free, but to give up on the dream of having a second chance. A shared dream we had in fact worked towards for almost three years.

Another reason why I have a hard time accepting Diver Dudes choice is the agreement we made when moving to England. He was to pursue a new career and I was to "focus on having a baby". We knew that there would be medical involvement, we knew it was going to take a lot of time and money, and in order to be able to have treatment in Sweden I would not be able to take a job. Economically it made complete sense. We also agreed before starting any treatment that we would do three rounds of IVF, and if it hadn't worked by then, that would be it. We did one round.
One pregnancy.
One miscarriage.
One possible chemical.
One hell of a circus and more emotional pain than any of us were prepared for.

Regardless of what choices I'm forced to make in the near future, I've promised myself (and Lady Merlin) not to make them in a state of sadness, hurt or anger. For now, I'm making other life changes. I'm looking for work, researching art schools and getting the rest of my life in order and shifting focus. It's not been healthy for me to have a future child as my sole purpose. It's exhausting to work towards a goal that is so elusive. I need to define myself in independent terms again.

And while I'm taking one day at a time, I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

An impossible choice

2010-06-04T10:02:00.002+01:00

I had a beautiful post filled with hope already written in my mind about the story of Pinocchio and how Diver Dude picked one out for me in a quaint wood shop in Rome. But events have taken a different turn since Wednesday night.

The past few weeks seemed to be moving in the right direction. We talked, laughed, made love and truly connected the way we used to before this circus started. I felt stronger and more confident than I have in a very long time. Our weekend in Italy was icing on the cake. One perfect night in a small bar in Rome, Diver Dude took my hand to the sound of the italian version of Bob Dylan, looked me in the eyes, and said: "You know sweetie I think we'll get through this, and even though I'm not ready to commit to having a child yet, I really want you to know..." I stopped him with a kiss and asked him to please not say anything before he was ready. And in my heart hope started spreading its wings.

Wednesday night after a single session with Lady Merlin, Diver Dude came home in an agitated state of mind. I turned the TV off and asked him what happened. He told me how hard this all is for him and how much he loves me, but that if he's being true to himself he does not want any more children. That he can't. He may have thought for a moment he could, but he can't. The flutter of hopeful wings grew quiet and instead I felt dark sadness pour back into my heart.

If he has made this final choice and is willing to take the consequences for it, he leaves me with an impossible choice to make.

I could stay with Diver Dude knowing that we will never have children. I will never be a mother. He won't be the father of my children, simply a father to his. I stay with a man I'm madly in love with knowing that it denies me the chance of ever having a family. I'll be with the man I love. Some people search their whole life for true love. I'll have that. But he's a lot older than I am and if nature takes it's course I will be a fairly young widow. I will be alone.

Or.

I could leave the man I love in an effort to have a child and pursue donor sperm IUI. If it's successful I'd be a single mother to a child I wish had a father like Diver Dude. Is it fair to let a child shoulder the burden of his mother leaving the man that should've been his/her dad just to get a chance to become his/her mother? It seems wrong on so many levels.

If it's not successful I'll live my life childless and without Diver Dude. Regardless of the outcome, and possibly in a different way, I will still be alone.

I may find somebody else to love and maybe even have children with, but I truly believe that love like ours come around but once in a lifetime.

It is an impossible choice to make. No matter what choice I make, I'm afraid I'll end up resenting myself once it's too late. No matter how I look at it I don't know what to do.

I'm not a fool. I know that even if Diver Dude against all odds decides to give IVF another go, we might not be successful. I may stlll end up childless. But at least we'd give it a fair chance and that's a risk I'm willing to take. It's the risk I agreed to when I married a man that had had a vasectomy.

For now, I pray for a miracle. I pray for guidance.

And I will get down on my knees.

The beach in Sweden where I grew up.

Photo taken the day I found out our last blast didn't survive the thaw.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday - Rome, May 2010

2010-06-02T19:06:00.002+01:00

The Colosseum - Flavian amphitheatre completed 80AD under Emperor Titus

Piazza Navona - Fountain of Neptune by Antonio Della Bitta 1878

The Pantheon - temple of all the gods - 126AD

Tre Scalini at Piazza Navona - Scrumptious pasta

View after climbing the 138 steps of The Spanish Steps

Original Caffe Latte

Street art

Tre Scalini waiters

The Pantheon at night

The Trevi Fountain - I threw a coin for all of us but wasn't allowed to do a "Dolce Vita"

Sunday morning stroll along the river Tiber

View of St. Peter's Basilica from the river Tiber

St. Peter's Basilica

Nuns in St. Peter's Basilica

The line to get in to the Vatican Museum

Raphael's School of Athens 1511

Michelangelo's Creation of Adam inside the Sistine Chapel - NO PHOTOS ALLOWED heeheehee

Anti Pasti

View of the Alps flying back from Rome

I love Rome.

L.O.V.E.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-05-27T09:00:00.001+01:00

Or since I'm a day late and not really not using any words, Few Words Thursday.

And this is where we'll be this weekend.

I'm super excited.

No, I'm SUPER EXCITED!!

Promise to tell you all about it when we get back :)

One day at a time

2010-05-24T13:07:00.001+01:00

"Where do you see yourself a year from now?" Diver Dude asked me out of the blue on Friday night.
I looked over at him standing with a camping chair in one hand and a beer in the other and stumbled over my words when I answered. "Well, um, I'm here in England, I have a job I like and make decent money, I strive to experience every day to the fullest, appreciate all that I have and to be happy... and hopefully I'm pregnant."

Diver Dude listened and nodded his head but just as I was about to return the question our neighbor walked over to invite us over for a bbq. So we chatted with him for a while, ordered food from our favorite indian restaurant and went about our night until I remembered half way through dinner. "What about you, where do you see yourself a year from now?"

Diver Dude gave me a crooked smile and said he was just waiting for me to ask. He told me he wants to stay here in England, that he hopes his job will get better, and that he seconds my thoughts on seizing the day. Then he said: "It makes it so hard to tell you this, because I love you, and you're my best friend, but I can't commit to having a child with you right now". He also said that at times he feels like the best thing to do would be to "set me free" so I can find somebody else to have babies with.

And for the first time I was able to talk to him without having my vision blurred by tears or my words jumbled by sobbing. I told him that I think it's childish and self centered to think that he's replaceable, that I want a family with him, and that the only other option for me is to have a child on my own. I explained to him about the biological time issue, the fact that I may only have a couple of years left to become a mother. I explained that what hurts most about this isn't that I might never have a child with him, but that he's not willing to give us a chance to be parents. I told him again how much I love him. I told him that I'm willing to give him some time and that I hope he'll be able to reconnect with the part of him that wants a second chance at fatherhood.

He then asked if it would be okay to just take it one day at a time for now. I said yes. We hugged and we kissed, turned on a good movie and gathered our pets around us in the couch and just enjoyed the rest of the night. Because if you just take one day at a time, you can't worry too much about the future.

I hope you dance

2010-05-19T11:31:00.007+01:00

I'm allowed. Allowed to long for a child, and to want to become a mother. Allowed to dream of a family of my own, and to hope that this family will start with Diver Dude and me.

I'm not allowed to label myself the victim and Diver Dude the bad guy. If I do, Diver Dude may, friends and family might, and most likely it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. You see, if you're wearing brown socks but everyone around you keeps telling you they're blue, soon you'll start to question weather your socks are really brown. I am not a victim and Diver Dude is not a bad guy.

If I say these things out loud, it makes me feel stronger. It makes it hard to feel sorry for myself.

I'm working on centering myself and focusing on who I am. Somehow along the way in our marriage I started leaning, and a couple of months ago I actually tumbled over. Unfortunately the same holds true for Diver Dude, and in spite of our best intentions, instead of helping each other get back on our feet in a balanced way, we keep pushing each other over.

So I'll just pick myself up and wait for him to do the same. When he does I'll be here to greet him with strong open arms. I'd like to think of it as asking him to dance. An invitation from one individual to another to move together as one. It may take some work to make it flow and toes may be stepped on occasionally, but when we dance it'll all be worth it.

I hope you still feel small when you stand by the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

Lee Ann Womack - I hope you dance

Centering myself

2010-05-17T15:42:00.001+01:00

Lots of things are happening over here but I need to organize my thoughts... In the meantime I'll leave you with a couple of event nuggets.

• I've had two great sessions with Lady Merlin, one I left bawling my eyes out, the other with a big smile on my face.

• My parents have been here for ten days and I've gained a whopping five pounds. Grunt. I blame Mamma's cooking.

• Diver Dude is back from his trip to the states a new man. Stronger, sexier and with an open mind.

• I've found a central piece of me that I didn't realize I had lost in the first place.

I'll be back to explain (or possibly add even more confusion) later. First I have to go spit out the gallon of teeth whitening gunk I have in my mouth. Loads of kisses to you my ladies!

Three days

2010-05-08T12:21:00.001+01:00

It might not sound like much. How much silly hope can you accumulate in three days?
Now that it turns out the universe was just finding another way of fcking with me, too much.

Un-dear Bloody Monster,

Welcome you old beotch.

Next time you're late, you're fired!

Furiously,

Circus Princess

Dear Bloody Monster.

2010-05-07T09:50:00.000+01:00

Please don't play tricks on me. I don't think I can take it.
You see, my stupid naive mind lets hope seep in.
And I don't feel strong enough to handle the disappointment.

You're never late.
Why now?

If this isn't the sign of a miracle, get your ass over here ASAP!

Respectfully,
Circus Princess

The story of us - part 2

2010-05-03T10:07:00.003+01:00

In an effort to try and get some perspective on things I thought it'd be a good time to continue the saga of Circus Princess and Diver Dude. In case you missed part 1, get that story here.

Back in Sweden after almost three years in Hawaii, Circus Princess tried to make a life for herself but her heart just wasn't in it. She applied for a dozen jobs, redecorated her parents house completely and tried to figure out how to ignore the way her heart ached from missing Diver Dude.

It was impossible. Instead, her longing grew stronger with every phone call they shared. They talked about politics, religion, life and love. And somewhere in one of their endless conversations a plan started taking shape.

It was a wild and crazy plan. A plan that would make their friends and family gasp with disbelief. But it was the only plan that would give them a chance to be together. The one thing that would enable them to figure out if their love was meant to be.

Three months after Circus Princess had left Honolulu, Diver Dude got on a plane to Sweden. When Circus Princess saw him in the crowd of arriving visitors at the airport she knew in her heart that their plan would be worth it no matter what the outcome would be. And in a cabin by the sea that dark autumn night, Diver Dude asked Circus Princess to be his wife. There were no rings, just a roaring fire, a man on his knees and a woman with a big smile on her face confidently nodding her head.

The ten days they spent together in Sweden were filled with a mix of wild passion and frenetic planning. A trip to the american embassy in Stockholm made it clear that the original plan of getting a fiancée visa would keep them apart another six months, a trip to the jewelers equipped them with engagement bands with the latin words Amor Fati - destiny of love - and a stop at the travelers office turned Circus Princess into a future american tourist with a hidden agenda.

Two months later a trembling Princess stood with an immigration officer in Seattle with her left hand concealed under the desk. When the sound of inked rubber on passport pages reached her ears she knew that only a short flight separated her from the man that would soon become her husband.

With a lei of purple orchids and a big white smile, Diver Dude received her at the airport. With a house filled with lit candles and rose petals leading the way upstairs he welcomed his Princess home.

Less than a month later Diver Dude and Circus Princess stood barefoot on the beach promising to love and honor each other for all days of their life. For better or for worse. In sickness and in health. And to let love be their destiny.

to be continued...

Can our love build a bridge over this canyon?

2010-05-02T12:12:00.002+01:00

This Friday, the night before Diver Dude's two week trip to the U.S, we went down to London Gatwick for some much needed R&R.

After a two hour drive in the company of our favorite comedy podcasters we checked in to our four star hotel and got ready for a romantic evening for two. We explored our surroundings and checked out the menus of the different restaurants available.We shared a bottle of Cabernet at the bar while giggling and making up possible stories for our fellow hotel dwellers. Our mood was up beat and giddy.

Later we sat down to enjoy a candle lit dinner at a french bistro. Conversation was smooth and we started talking about how we met, what we used to enjoy doing together. Diver Dude told me about his surprise when I fearlessly jumped up behind him on the fender of his Pit Bull chopper. I laughed at the memory of his license plate boldly exclaiming "NO WIFE". We talked about the endless rides we did around the island of Oahu. The sun, the hawaiian music and our rich social life.

Suddenly he says "I wouldn't mind going back one day". He continued saying how he'd consider moving back to Hawaii when he retires from his current career. How he'd golf all day and just enjoy the laid back life style.

In an instant that possible future hit me. Ten years from now. The two of us, back in Paradise. Him retired and me, at the age of 45, back in a place I gave up to follow the man of my dreams. A life I gave up in pursuit of the possibility of having a family. Back with the same man but without any of those dreams. Back where we started. Without children and with an expired biological clock. And my heart became so heavy. My vision blurred with tears.

Still with a smile on his face he looked up from his plate to ask me what I thought of that. I couldn't meet his eyes. I couldn't answer his simple question. He looked so hurt and puzzled when he discovered the change in my mood. But I couldn't explain. I couldn't tell him that the picture of this future he so optimistically painted sounded like a dark and scary place to me.

I struggled to swallow my fear and stoically ignored the giant pink elephant on the table and changed subject. I asked him about his trip. What he's looking forward to doing while in San Diego. Places he'll go eat at. Old friends he's going to see. His daughter and grandkids.

But in spite of my best effort, the rest of the evening that big pink intruder accompanied us in everything we did. It was a silent part of all our conversations. A big mountain between us in bed. It's presence made our good bye kiss seem cool and as Diver Dude walked away toward his gate it blocked my view.

If Diver Dude's decision to no longer pursue a family with me is final, I don't know how to get around it. If we don't share the same dreams anymore, how can we stay together? All the love in the world can't fix that. Can it?

No comment

2010-04-29T11:22:00.002+01:00

Out of more than 200 friends, not a single person commented on my link to Keiko's video on facebook yesterday.

Not.
a.
single.
comment.

A lot of my friends and family know what we've been going through this past year but to most it would be news. I'm a little sad and somewhat surprised. Even made sure again today that the link actually works. It does. So I guess my big "outing" went by unnoticed. Not sure what I expected. I didn't think it would make headline news or anything, but I was expecting some sort of reaction.

I can only hope it touched somebody that just didn't know what to say but felt a little less alone.
It made me feel quite the opposite. Ouch.

What IF I posted this on facebook today?

2010-04-28T15:28:00.002+01:00

Keiko at Hannah wept, Sarah laughed made this amazing video and I couldn't resist. I posted it in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week and all of us wondering What IF?.

I guess I'm out of the closet to ALL my friends, family, stray co-workers, their dogs and their uncles.

So there, What IF this week we all posted this on facebook?

CLICK HERE to watch the video

Staying buzy

2010-04-28T12:27:00.000+01:00

I just moved half a ton of dirt. With a tiny shovel and a wheel barrow. Therapeutic? I'm not sure. But all I can think about right now is the lower part of my back. So that's good. Kind of. I also have a very pretty back yard with freshly planted beautiful flowers. And that's good.

I'll just lay on my stretcher looking out at my lovely garden. Sipping some ice tea. Wait, there's nobody here to make me ice tea. Hello? Anybody there?

On the couch again

2010-04-23T17:00:00.001+01:00

We had a session with Lady Merlin again last night. I know she's a professional therapist and all, but man is she good at reading people!

She pointed out that the way we handle conflicts actually triggers a bigger conflict between us. Diver Dude raises his voice, gets mad and attacks while I shut down, cry a lot and starts defending myself. His anger makes me cry more and my tears make him scream louder. Awesome.

She told me to breathe (again... and seriously if I wasn't actually breathing I would die, but whatever), plant my feet firmly on the ground and center myself. And instead of bottling up emotions and only talk about them once I have collected an ocean of pain and hurt and is already upset, to simply say "I need to tell you that..." and then leave the room. That way Diver Dude will know my thoughts before they grow into something big and bad and I don't have to worry about starting a conflict.

She talked about Diver Dude's two contrasting worlds. His professional world where a hard exterior and tough attitude is not only encouraged but necessary and his personal world that is filled with smart, opinionated, emotional women. How he needs to leave the military way of dealing with problems at the door when he's with his family.

This past week has been pretty good, we've laughed a lot and things have felt almost normal. Until Wednesday night when Diver Dude was browsing sports cars online (his kind of internet porn) and wanted me to look at this Audi-something-something. Over the past year I've looked at so many different sports cars I've lost track and been somewhat amused at his dreaming but this time something snapped. I told him it was selfish to want to buy another "toy" for that much money and that he should consider the fact that he'd be making that a priority over things we could enjoy together. Insert growling, yelling and a few swear words and it made for a pretty bad night.

Lady Merlin immediately pointed out a possible reason for my sudden snappish behavior. She asked why I didn't think Diver Dude deserved to dream about a big boys toy. Did it have anything to do with him taking away my dream of becoming a mother? Diver Dude looked like a 1000W bulb went on over his head and squeezed my hand. All I could do was nod.

Again she asked Diver Dude to go back to the place where he felt he wanted a second chance at becoming a father and describe those feelings. Once again I felt a small flutter of hope.

Maybe, just maybe, things will be just fine.

Doing our homework

2010-04-19T14:24:00.000+01:00

One of the things I appreciate about you is:
Diver Dude:
- You are so creative. You make even a small weekday dinner a special occasion just by making the table and lighting candles. (yup, I have skills)
- The way you're always honest, supportive and loyal. I truly feel like you're my best friend. (seriously, that's the sweetest things ever)
Me:
- You sing along out loud (and out of tune) to songs you love. Even in a crowded bar. Or a public library.
- How you deal with Mother and your siblings and how you make sure you stay in each others lives in spite of having had a far from perfect childhood and complicated relationships.

What I'd like a little more of is:
DD:
- Physical activity. Doing something together. Like playing golf. (or taking dance lessons?)
- Head. (seriously?)
Me:
- Compliments.
- Team work (this was after we had spent 3 hours building flower boxes and him constantly needing whatever tool I was currently using. Le sigh.)

What I'd like a little less of is:
DD:
- Clothes in other places than the closet. (do door knobs, floor surface or chairs count as closets?)
Me:
- No's when I suggest something. Like dinner and a movie. (and having a baby!!)

What I'd like to stay the same is:
DD:
- Our sex life! (didn't he just say he wanted more oral pleasure?)
- That you close the toilet lid after flushing (I've managed to change my bad habit of not closing the lid after almost 7 years of pleading. Yes, I'm worse than a man. And I'm a slow learner.)
Me:
- Yes on the sex life!
- Ummm... (decisions about family building we made three years ago!!)

OK, so I didn't mention the b-word or anything about three letter procedures all weekend but I had to bite my tongue constantly. I'm working hard at giving him space and trying to remember to breathe.
I do feel like we've made some progress and we were actually able to relax and share a few heartfelt laughs this weekend.

And Little Man Chevy came home from the hospital Saturday and is recovering nicely.

There's hope in the world.

Taking a step back

2010-04-16T07:31:00.002+01:00

Our counselor lady is a wizard. In fact, that's what I'll call her, Lady Merlin. She waved her magic wand around and, poof, the giant pink elephant was transformed into a little pink ant.

It wasn't quite that simple. There were a lot of tears. A little snot. A huge amount of guilt. And a lot of fears that were brought out in the open.

She asked me to take a step back and allow myself to breathe. To allow Diver Dude some space to breathe. She asked me to not see myself as a victim but to allow myself to grieve. When I explained my desperate fight with time and the fear of missing my chance of becoming a mother she simply said: If in a year you feel the same there are clinics in London that will take care of that for you. In the meantime, if you want a shot at making your marriage work, you need to regroup and refocus.

She asked Diver Dude to tell her what the man who went in for a vasectomy reversal felt 3 years ago. What his hopes and dreams were. She asked him about the "armor" he protects his heart with. And she asked him to not take advise from anyone but himself.

She told us that situations like ours certainly may lead to a break but that if we're both strong, brave and honest we have a chance. She said the fact that we came to her indicates our will to make it work and that it's obvious we love each other very much. She also said she sees that we pay a lot of attention to each other but that most of that attention is negative. Ouch.

We'll see her again next week together but we're also going to see her as individuals the following week. Until then we'll do our homework like good little students and do these exercises every night at dinner:

Toast of Appreciation - Lift your glass and say "one of the things I appreciate about you is..." This exercise might make us pass out on our plates if done the way she suggested, with wine, but we'll be drunk and appreciative damn it.

What I'd Like - Start sentences with "What I'd like a little more of is... ", "What I'd like a little less of is..." and "What I'd like to stay the same is..."

I'll take a step back and try to ground myself.
And I will practice to breathe. In and out. With a steady rhythm. And to let my selected color spread throughout my entire body with every breath.

There's a tiny speck of hope.

Little Man Chevy is doing good

2010-04-15T10:33:00.000+01:00

He went through several hours of surgery like a champ and although the original plan to have endoscopic surgery had to be scratched, he's doing fine. A little swollen apparently, but just fine. Now we hope for a successful and speedy recovery for the little guy and some peace and calm for his parents.

Tonight Diver Dude and I will meet our therapist for the first time. I hope she can give us some tools to deal with this emotional cluster fuck. I hope she waves her magical wand and makes everything alright. The least she can do is give us some kind of bulldozer to remove the damned pink elephant.

I can't take much more of this.

Do you think you could actually loose weight by puking up tears and snot. That would be something.

Just wanted to let you know how much it means to read your encouraging words and feel the warmth of your virtual hugs, you guys really help me get through the day. Thank you!

Hopes for today

2010-04-14T11:25:00.001+01:00

Today I applied for a job. When I sent in the CV tears was dripping down my keyboard.

When we moved to England a year and a half ago our mutual plan was to "focus on having a family". The plan was for me to stay home and take time to start fertility treatments in Sweden and for Diver Dude to work, make lots of money and start his second career.

Today I don't know what the plan is. All I know is that Diver Dude and I don't share the same hopes and dreams anymore.

I'm so filled with sadness I don't even know where to turn, how to begin, or what to end. I miss my husband. I miss the child we lost before we could hold it. I miss the happy, naive person I used to be.

Today my littlest bonus-grandson is having major surgery to correct his craniosynostosis.

I'm afraid to hope for anything good. It seems like lately when I wish or hope for something, things turn out going in the complete opposite direction.

Please let today turn out the best way possible.

The intruder

2010-04-10T08:49:00.000+01:00

We go about our day as usual. We talk about work and what we should do this weekend. We walk the dog together. We even hold hands now and again, but when I look over in search of my husbands eyes my view is blocked by this big pink elephant walking between us.

Our insurance company has approved 8 visits each to see a therapist for "grief induced depression". First joint visit will be on Thursday.

Still waiting for someone to pinch me really hard. Having an uncontrollable urge to kick the pink intruder in the gonads.

Somebody please pinch me

2010-04-05T08:03:00.000+01:00

- Sweetie, I can't do this anymore.
His words hit me with the force of a hurricane. I looked into his eyes in search of a sign that he was joking. It was April Fool's after all. No such sign.

Diver Dude is telling me he can't take any more fertility treatments. The baby quest is over for him. He's telling me he's changed his mind. He can't continue with the three IVFs we originally decided to do. He's saying he's not willing to risk his existing family to start another. He's letting me know how deep Party Girl's words have dug the knife in his chest. He quotes her when he says he's not worth a second chance as a father.

I find myself falling. My head is spinning. I'm angry and I feel cheated. I feel like my life as I know it has been stolen from me. I'm in the middle of a night mare. Somebody please wake me up.

Calling a family counsellor today.

The phone call

2010-03-30T12:11:00.000+01:00

On our way to Gothenburg my phone rings. I stop breathing. I know before I answer that it's bad news.
Dr. Jaws voice greets me on the other end of the line: "Circus Princess, I'm so very sorry to have to tell you this but our embryologists have been studying your thawed blast for the past hour and unfortunately it's not looking good. We have to cancel the transfer."
I feel like I've been kicked in the nuts. Or that's what I envision it feels like. Chock and pain and disbelief. I think I stayed on the phone and asked a few questions but cannot for the life of me remember any of it. As soon as I pressed the off button on my phone I started sobbing. I barely noticed Pappa turning the car around and Mamma stroking my head.

It's over before it even started. I'm lost. I'm scared. And struggle to see some light ahead.

I called Diver Dude as soon as I got home and all he said was "I'm so sorry, please come home".

Thank you for all your heartfelt support. It seems like this circus performance is over.

I'm asking

2010-03-29T21:46:00.000+01:00

for a big favor by a small gesture of compassion.
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing tomorrow, I'm asking you to take a minute of your busy day and cross your fingers and hearts for this little life to have a chance.
I'm desperate.
I really need this to work.

I love all of you beautiful, strong, amazing women. Thank you for being who you are.

Wandypalooza

2010-03-27T00:02:00.000Z

When your left ovary is of the shy, seclusive kind, and said ovary is the one in charge this month, trying to find it can be very interesting. And not in a good way. It took Dr. Boss Lady and her partner Mr. Wand a good 10 minutes with the old crappy u/s machine and another 15 minutes with the high tech machine before she was able to confirm ovulation.

I feel slightly molested.

But lining looks good and ovulation was confirmed so the transfer is on for Tuesday afternoon. So it's all good. Even the fact that I'm walking around looking like I've got a ball stuck between my legs.

I should be excited but honestly I'm just tired and wish I was with my Diver Dude.

On top of what's going on with Little Man Chevy, there's been a major misunderstanding between Diver Dude and Party Girl (his oldest daughter). I don't want to go into any details but so many hurtful words have been spoken by his daughter that I have to bite my tounge and sit on my hands not to get involved. Behind her words I hear her mothers voice. We just need to figure out how to turn the situation around before it gets any more out of hand.

Right now I just need some sleep. And a whole lot of positive vibes.

We have lift-off

2010-03-24T07:35:00.000Z

This morning I was greeted by a smiley face signaling that we're good to get started with this FET au natural. I called the Swedish Clinic to tell them the good news and got scheduled for u/s and progesterone check on Friday 26 and transfer Tuesday 30th if all goes well. So I'm throwing a weeks worth of clothes in a bag and getting on a plane to Sweden tonight. Up in the stirrups and back in the saddle it is :)

I leave you with this little picture of happiness:

Going Rogue

2010-03-22T09:25:00.000Z

No, it has nothing to do with Sarah Palin. I'm talking about going rogue during our FET au natural. Feel free to yell at me at any point.

You see, I spoke to Dr. Boss Lady last week. I asked a million questions. Questions like: What went wrong? Should we try something different? Why have 3 out of 4 beautiful blasts not made it? She had one answer: "We simply haven't gotten to the right embryo".
Sigh.

Swedes in general are a trusting people. Especially when it comes to medical care. But I've lived in the land of "question everything" too long to just accept a simple "leave it to chance" answer. Even if I should. Even when Dr. Boss Lady started getting slightly annoyed.
I asked her about doing immunology testing and she said they simply don't do that unless you've had three miscarriages. I asked if she thought my period being two days late and the "invisaline" on HPT 10dp5dt could be an indication of a chemical pregnancy. She said there's no way to find out and she doesn't recommend an HCG-test, "just wait and see if you ovulate this month". I asked what she thought about my BBT not going down as much as expected when I started bleeding. She asked why I was charting and told me to stop it. I asked about putting me on a low dose of aspirin, she said it would be "like shooting in the dark".
Insert me banging my head against the wall.

In spite of everything else that's going on in our life Diver Dude convinced me that we should just go ahead with embaby #3 this month. So I'm getting right back up in the saddle again. And I plan to hang on for dear life. I'm hoping to get a positive OPK sometime tomorrow or Wednesday, leave for Sweden Wednesday night, u/s to confirm ovulation on Friday and ET end of this month. Crazy. I know.

And after some consideration I might just go rogue and take baby aspirin in spite of what Dr. Boss Lady says. 'Cause I don't mind shooting in the dark if it gives me a better chance of actually hitting the target. Am I being crazy?

Little Man Chevy

2010-03-17T13:41:00.002Z

My littlest bonus grandson is not doing so good. He's been having trouble eating and keeping down food since the day he was born and have been in and out of the hospital every week. Last week he finally met with a neurosurgeon and was diagnosed with craniosynostosis. He will be going through surgery some time early next month and will most likely spend a good part of his first months wearing a helmet. More surgeries are likely to follow to reshape his cranium and eye sockets. We don't know yet when and for how long we'll be able to go over and lend a helping hand but Diver Dude is worried sick and just wants to leave today and stay however long it takes. Being this far from J-girl and her family is really rough in times like this. If you're the praying kind please include him in your prayers and if you're not some good vibes and happy thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I've been tentatively cleared to go ahead with our FET this month. We will hopefully get the final approval from Dr. Boss Lady on Thursday. But that's all up in the air while we wait to hear about J-girl's little guy.

One day at the time. One foot in front of the other.

Ink therapy

2010-03-15T11:11:00.000Z

collage, crayon, acrylic, ink, photoshop

Four letter words

2010-03-12T09:57:00.000Z

There, I said it. Now that that's out of the way I'll try to regroup and think of something nicer to say.

I had a long talk with Diver Dude last night over beef Wellington, red wine and tears. I love that man to pieces. He may be a hairy biker hard-ass military man, but boy does he have a big heart. When faced with my blubbering mess of fear, disappointment and what-if's he simply asked me to take one day at the time and to just get back in the saddle (or stirrups) as soon as possible. I was surprised at how calm it made me to think about our next attempt and at the amount of hope I still have. Because I do still think this will work. I have to. And I will get back on that stupid horse again as soon as my RE will let me.

I'll have my WTF conversation with Dr. Boss Lady sometime early next week and I've prepared a few questions for her:
• Delayed period and a very faint line on HPT at 10dp5dt - could it mean chemical pregnancy?
• If so, do I need to check HCG?
• When can we give it another shot?
• 3 out of 4 blasts have failed, 1 m/c, 1 chemical/failure to implant and 1 didn't survive the thaw. Any thoughts?
• What, if anything can we do differently?
• Would you consider putting me on a low dose of aspirin?

Can you ladies think of anything else?

Now I intend to inhale a few cleaning products, drag the vacuum cleaner around the dust bunnies, walk the pooch and start packing my bags for our road trip tomorrow. First stop is Tattershall Castle.

There it was

2010-03-11T18:32:00.000Z

a speck of blood in my white panties. In combination with this morning's small drop in temperature and another lonely single line on the hpt, I knew what it meant. It's over.
Diver Dude heard my loud sniffle and came in to see what was wrong and found me crying like a baby hunched over on the toilet seat. He got down on his knees and held me while stroking my hair. Told me he loved me and that he was sorry.
As I'm searching for words to describe how I feel, every single one I can think of consist of four letters so I better not write anything else right now.

White spaces and high temperatures

2010-03-10T06:28:00.001Z

Shouldn't go together, right? I'm starting to think Dr. Jaws (new doc at ET this time) had a good point when he adviced me not to test until the 14th. Because this is torture. I got up this morning thinking that today I'd get a nice second line on my cheapo test or a drop in temp to signal the arrival of the Bloody Monster. Instead I get a white space (with something of a shadow or an illusion of a line) and a slightly elevated temp...
Trying to be patient, but this "no beta business" is driving me bonkers!

Since I don't have a good enough scanner or camera to capture the "invisa-line" I'll just post my chart this month for you to help me analyze...

9dp5dt

2010-03-09T07:22:00.000Z

No symptoms.
No Bloody Monster.
No second line.
Unless I stare at it for a very long time.
Then maybe there's something very faint there.
Or maybe I'm just imagining things.

A coffin in Paradise

2010-03-04T12:34:00.000Z

With a colorful backdrop of plants, animals and naked men my Farmor's coffin stood adorned with her favorite flowers, red and pink roses. A long line of men and women dressed in black approached the coffin to say their final goodbyes to their mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. Most of them with tears in their eyes, some with the hint of a smile, but all with a somewhat confused look on their face.

Farmor's funeral service was held in a small church in Ljungby. It's adorned with wall paintings by a famous local artist depicting Paradise in a vey playful way. You might even mistake it for the work of a child. Vibrant colors, monkeys the same size as elephants and polar bears next to kangaroos. At the very center is a semi-nude man (who I assume to be Jesus) in an oval shape (very much resembling the female gender) perched in an apple tree. There is also an anatomically correct stark naked man next to this tree who I assumed to be Adam (I kept looking around for Eve, but she was nowhere to be found). In front of all this stood the priest dressed in black, with a solemn look on his face, among bouquets of condoleances and a coffin made of oak.

This ambiguous atmosphere set the tone for the ceremony and the reception. It was a beautiful ceremony with a comical twist. A sad day with moments of laughter. A day of mourning Farmor but also to cherish the reunion of our family. It was good. And if Farmor looked down at us she would have had a great big smile on her face.

Ice Skater on board

2010-02-28T17:45:00.000Z

Due to a sea of melting snow and spotty internet I haven't been able to keep you up to date, but all is well in circus land.
I just got back from Gothenburg with a little Ice Skater on board. It's a little surreal since my body's in it's normal state of self. It's not bruised from daily shots and have no pills shoved up any orifices. In other words I've got nobody to blame for pontential hormonal rages but me. Todays transfer was as close to a natural conception you'd get in a sterile room with two strangers and your mother.

Yes, Mamma got to be in the room with me and witness the magic of seeing the little skater first as a close-up on the flatscreen and then on the u/s as he/she slid through the catheter on to his/her stage in my womb. She loved it and got so excited she completely blew her one task of photographing the little guy. Oh, well :)

Unfortunately we lost the first one of our embryos in the defrosting process. When they thawed our day 5 blast, it didn't look good and it arrested shortly after. The one I have on board now is one of our day 6 blasts, and the other one is still frozen. It's sad but I'd rather this happen than have it transferred only to have it stop developing inside of me. Hopefully our ice skater is a fighter with olympic skills and will continue to develop nicely in his/her new home for the next nine months or so.

I missed my Diver Dude terribly today. He should've been there next to me holding my hand and witnessing the miracle that took place in that small hospital room. I sent him a text after the transfer to tell him all went well and skyped him as soon as I got home. He made me feel loved and missed and even made me laugh with crazy camera filters. He asked me to take good care of his spawn :)

Wednesday is my Farmor's funeral and I'll be 3 days in to my 2WW. Life and death all weaved into one.

Smile, you're on CD 15!

2010-02-23T08:30:00.001Z

CD 14 - 6am - Negative
CD 14 - 4pm - Negative... Is that second line getting darker?
CD 14 - 10pm - POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!
And this morning I confirmed with the fancy-schmancy test and was greated by a smiley face!

Thank you ladies for all your encouraging words and advise, you helped me stay on the saner side of crazy :) Funny what stress can do to you, I don't think I have ever ovulated this late, day 14 has always been O-day for me.

I have my next u/s to check lining on Friday and if all looks good in baby-ville the transfer will happen Monday afternoon. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I'm now back to thinking FET au naturel is da bomb!

Desperately searching for a Smiley Face

2010-02-22T05:35:00.002Z

CD12 - OPK negative
CD13 - OPK negative...?
CD14 - OPK.......negative!?!?
I'm starting to freak out. Normally I ovulate like clock work on CD14 and that means the LH surge should have been indicated on CD13. But there was nothing. nada. zilch.
My mind is searching for possible explanations: Did I ovulate early CD12 and miss the surge (slight rise in temp on CD13). Am I late this month? Or worst option of all, did I not ovulate this month at all?!?
So much for peace of mind this cycle :(
FET au naturel is more stressful than I could imagine!

Please ol-bod-o-mine, cooperate!

A gold star for my follie

2010-02-20T13:23:00.005Z

I'm so proud of my A+ follie that behaved like a champ for Dr. Doodle yesterday. Luckily the lead follicle is on the right side since my leftie was her usual shy, hiding self. It measured 13mm on CD 11, and I officially started OPKing this morning (unofficially I have been peeing on sticks since CD9). Hoping to see that Smiley Face* tomorrow morning! I'm supposed to call the clinic when I get a positive, come back two days later to check that I actually ovulated, and 6 days after positive I'll be boarding one of our little ice skaters. FET au naturel is da shit!
I asked Dr. Doodle about the quality of our blasts and he smiled and said "they're as good as they get, you were really lucky to get four excellent blasts". He also told me they're very picky with the blasts they freeze because they want to keep their FET success rates as good as the fresh cycle. Music to my ears!

I feel surprisingly hopeful about this cycle. Relaxed, happy and optimistic. I am however well aware that in this circus things happen fast and that being thrown between extreme emotions without warning is more a rule than exception, so all I can do is enjoy this current peace of mind :)

Hanging out with Louise-in-the-middle was awesome. We had lunch, did some retail therapy and she came with me to my appointment. Our conversation flowed easily about everything from olympic medals, new donor lists and tougher topics like our resent losses. It's so rare to talk to somebody that actually understands and I cherished every moment. Thank you L, for an awesome day!

Last night we got another feet of snow so I've spent the morning shoveling snow. Who needs aerobics or step when you've got snow! Expecting a very sore upper body tomorrow :)

*LH surge on Clearblue's OPKs

Chi-chi-chi-chilly

2010-02-18T22:26:00.002Z

I'm in Sweden. And they weren't kidding when they said they've got a ton of snow. Holy cow. And it's frickin' cold. Brrrrr!

Tomorrow afternoon is the appointment at the clinic to check for a lead follicle and decide when it's time to start peeing on a stick (like I haven't done that obsessively the past 3 days to make sure I don't miss a freakishly early LH surge) -Please, work with me here dear body!

Also, I've got a rare treat to look forward to. Louise-in-the-middle is coming down from The Big City to meet me in Gothenburg. I'm so excited to see her and look forward to a fun day together. I love it when last minute plans turn into something great.

Right now my pillow is whispering my name seductively and I can't wait put my head on it. Being up since 4 in the morning is not my cup o' tea :)

Nighty-night!

Yesterday

2010-02-14T08:56:00.001Z

morning my Farmor (paternal grandmother) passed away. 94 years old. Clear as crystal and a tougher cookie than most. Her four children sat with her this week even though she told them to "not sit around and wait for me to die".

My heart aches when I think about her and the times we had together. Not all happy. Not all covered in a rosy shimmer. But all important and never dull. All things that made me grow as a person.
I have so many things to thank her for. The many times we spent looking through old photo albums from her youth when she told me the story of her family. Giving our family story a sense of adventure and mystery and making me feel part of that story. All our conversations about life and love. Her patience through my rebellious twenties when I among other things questioned the very essence of her world, marriage and children. And her knowing smile when I told her I was getting married when I met Diver Dude. Her blunt way of asking when it would be our turn to have children with the question "have you found out what's wrong with you". And her caring questions about reproductive procedures she didn't understand but knew was important to me. The way she would stroke my cheek and smile at me.

This trip to Sweden will now not only be for a chance to start a new life but also about the end of a loved one's.

Thank you for everything dear Farmor, may you rest in peace.

Tack för allt älskade Farmor!